The E.M.T. is here to revive your slowly dying ability and motivation to find movies that don’t involve computer generated graphics, vampires, or Will Smith.

I don't get it...I look like something that rhymes with Delores? Is it Mulva?

Transsiberian (First Look Studios) – available on Netflix, Lackluster and iTunes.

Director Brad Anderson defies Indie cannon by using plot elements beloved by the mainstream like American tourism, drug running, murder and mixing them with well known Hollywood actors. Going mainstream is the new Indie. Anderson’s previous efforts, both of which are worth renting, were the uplifting romps “The Machinist” and “Session 9″ both of which were terribly depressing yet…hypnotic. With “Transsiberian” Mr. Anderson continues his gentle touch for creepy but instead of steering away from typical Hollywood stories and plot structures he takes them into his arms, caresses them and then slyly unclasps her bra despite her declaration of “not” being ready.

Click on More for More…unless you’re not ready. And if you’re not…sorry baby, but I needs to gets mine.

Woody Harrelson (Doc Hollywood, The Cowboy Way) and Emily Mortimer (Notting Hill, Match Point) are

You should see me incorporate this cigarette into my ping-pong ball trick

American tourists traveling across China and Russia that befriend the couple staying in the same cabin bunk, a Spaniard and a scarlet American with the eye shadow of a Russian streetwalker. From there the flick goes pretty much where you’d expect it to go. The movies strong points are the actors. Normally naive tourists are an insufferable cinematic cliche but Woody shoulders that burden by himself and lets Mortimer be less ethnically caucasion…well not really. Don’t worry though this movie gives the business to Mediterranean Europeans, the Chinese, Russians and even Religious types! Actually, especially the religious types.

It seems like the movie won’t jump out at stand above the rest, and it doesn’t really. It just charms you slowly. You won’t realize the Harrelson’s “Roy” is a likable character…mostly because the character isn’t likable as a movie character. But in real life, if you met Roy he’d be that overly friendly guy that you’d consider punching in the nose for smiling to much but would win you over in the end

Christian was mistaken for Kate Moss on the set of "The Machinist"

and then buy everyone a round at the bar. Sealing the deal is Sir Ben Kingsley. SBK is Grinko [which is my new designate name for my 1st born son] a Russian narcotics officer who can turn a phrase, and probably kill newborn babies for fun on a Sunday afternoon because his blood runs cold with delicious vodka…but with charm.

Esoteric Movie Tips insurance policy – “The Machinist” stars Christian Bale as an insomniac machinist who gets distracted at work because he can’t sleep. No big deal. Except his coworker loses his arm because of it. Also of note, for this role Bale starved himself for months and had the body type of your grandmother after a fun month of Ramadahn. The trick…Bale then gained 100 pounds to play Bruce Wayne in “Batman Begins” for his next movie. Eat your fat and old heart out De Niro.