1 Minute Movie Review – Where the Wild Things Are October 24, 2009
Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.2 comments
When fully aroused it's this big. It could crush you and your self confidence. Now stop asking me about it.
Where the Wild Things Are (Warner Bro’s)
Spike Jonze turns the kids book into an adult film (record scratch). Well, its more a film for adults. No wait. that’s doesn’t sound quite right either. Jonze has made a grown up film that deals with the emotions and tribulations of being a child and how even as adults we still struggle to dominate them but that at the end that’s okay because its a task we all have to handle. The best way to describe it is to compare it to a stage play. The movie is dependent on mature dialogue that crisply outlines plot, allegory, and character development rather than using lots of fantastical action, violence or cheap scares. Though it does have a dash of each. So if you go see it be prepared to learn something about anger, family and giant furry costumes at a calm pace.
Verdict – Watchable. Insightful with out beating you about your furry monster to get the point across. And it’s touching… aaaaawww yeah. Also the voice talent of Tony Soprano, Catherine O’Hare, Chris Cooper, Ghost Dog and the red head chick from Six Feet Under do a great job.
Director: Spike Jonze. Producers: Tom Hanks and others. Writers: Jonze and Dave Eggers (Who wrote A Heart Breaking of Staggering Genius and The Wild Things)
Previously Reviewed, Still Worth Watching October 21, 2009
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Didn’t see it in the theater? Check these titles out. the Downright Vindictive Detractor approves and suggests:
Zombie lesbian love hasn't been so classy since Thelma & Louise
Drag Me to Hell; 72% on rottentomatoes, 7.4 on IMDB. This equates to an A- for a horror comedy.
State of Play; 87% on rottentomatoes, 7.4 on IMDB. Did Syriana escape your gray matter? Rent this.
Adventureland; 89% on rottentomatoes, 7.3 on IMDB. Kinda funny, kinda charming, kinda better than everything else Hollywood rams down your throat Polanski style.
The Girlfriend Experience; 62% on rottentomatoes, 6.0 on IMDB. Steven Soderburg’s beautifully shot Sundance Film Festival submission is the best period piece focusing on the economic collapse of 2008 featuring a real life porn star (Sasha Grey) playing a high priced whore. Also, it’s the only period piece focusing on the economic collapse of 2008 featuring a real life porn star playing a high priced whore… Now go ahead and google pictures and video of Sasha Grey. You know you have the time and the tissues for it.
What about this photo of Sasha Grey doesn't say Sundance Film Festival?
the Downright Vindictive Detractor of DVDs – The Land of the Lost October 21, 2009
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In a land of man lizards and dinosaurs McBride, Ferrel and Friel were more surprised and disgusted by the Black Eyed Peas DirectTV commercial. Makes me want to vomit just thinking about it.
Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions? the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.
The Land of the Lost (2009) – Will Ferrell and Danny McBride get lost in the past, present and future land of cro magnon men, humoid lizards and pineapple flavored heroin. That’s right, the H Train in fruit form. Overall The Land of the Lost is disappointing. Though since no one anticipated it to be entertaining then it has a surprising amount of laughs. Ferrell is a watered down version of Ricky Bobby, Chaz Michael Michaels, Ron Burgendy, and/or Jackie Moon. He manages to squeeze out a couple choice lines like exclaiming ‘Captain Kirks nipples!’ when caught off guard. Danny McBride mostly struggles through the 90 minutes and doesn’t bring anything special to the screen. The special effects are better than a direct to DVD sci-fi fair, not by much but they suffice. That dude from Lonely Island puts down the best performance of all the actors as the mongaloid ‘Chaka’ which gets most of his laughs from grabbing Anna Friel’s boob. That should sum up how watered down the comedy is in Will Ferrell’s latest flick. A monkey grabbing a semi-hot English lady’s boob.
Verdict – For Ferrellfiles only. Or if you have an eighth that you need to smoke before the sun comes up and you’ve already watched seasons 1 through 3 of Arrested Development and need to wind down by watching something dumb before eating your 20th bowl of cereal. Mmmmm… Reese’s Peanut Butter Puffs…
Downright Vindictive Detractor Extras:
This movie got people fired from high paying jobs while simultaneously pissing off anti-smoking advocates. Hmmm, Will Ferrell, while being not quite as funny as he should be, got doucheington Hollywood douches fired from jobs they don’t deserve but also got douchier anti-smoking advocates press… I guess that’s a wash. Seriously, AMAA stop telling smokers to not smoke. They know it’s horrible for them. They know it makes them smell like a frat house basement and taste like Amy Winehouse. But damn it, tobacco can be delicious and provides a quick, cheap buzz. Not to mention it’s been a part of human society since before complaining was invented by the British.
Two Minute Movie Review: Drag Me to Hell June 4, 2009
Posted by Mike Scioscia's tragic illness in 1 minute movie review, Drag Me To Hell.1 comment so far
(Hey, Wilson. Yeah, you. I just posted this and only then did I realize that you did the same thing yesterday. Well, I’m still putting it up. Done.)
You know how there’s some directors where you can turn on just about any of their movies, and you know immediately who it is just by the style? It’s wordy, violent, and pompous? Ahh, that’s a Tarantino. Full of explosions, bad CGI, explosions, ignorance of plot & character development, explosions, and cinematic cancer? That stench can only be coming from Michael Bay-splosions.
Cute. Soaking wet. Digging up corpses. Dream girl?
It’s much the same with Drag Me to Hell, which couldn’t have been more Sam Raimi if it had “BY SAM RAIMI” in sub-titles on every frame. Over-the-top cartoon-esque bodily fluids? Check. Doorway to another dimension? Oh, sure. Eyeballs getting squeezed out of a woman’s head? You better believe it. Invisible evil raising havoc with a person all alone in a house? That’s a paddlin’. I mean – yes, definitely.
You almost get the feeling from this that Raimi sat down and said, “you know what? I’m finally going to write Evil Dead 4. But, hey, Bruce? Yeah, I think I’m going to replace you with a cute blonde girl. Uh huh. Sorry about that. How do I sleep at night? On a giant pile of Spiderman-colored money. Take care.”
I don’t know if I’d say this is worthy to be mentioned in the pantheon of an all-time classic like Evil Dead 2; probably not, because there were some flaws, firstly that the Apple Guy’s father didn’t say “Fuck you, Jobu” (think about it), and secondly that the Apple Guy didn’t die a horrible Ipod-related death.
But know this: I don’t care how much you hate cats. Short of watching an actual feline snuff film, you will never squirm at a kitten-related incident more than you will at this film. Seriously, I’ve never seen so much of a crowd with their hands over their eyes. At least there was Indian Jonah Hill for comic relief!
Now, where did I put that button?
1 Minute Movie Review – The Girlfriend Experience. May 27, 2009
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What part of this woman doesn't say Sundance Film Festival?
The Girlfriend Experience (Magnolia Pictures) – Steven Soderbergh’s films have recieved 13 Oscar nominations and 5 Oscar wins, one for Soderbergh as the director of Traffic. Afterwards he cashed in with the commmercially whorish Ocean’s Eleven trilogy but has returned to making things that don’t suck with a movie about someone who sucks for a living. The main character is a high-end whore played by the whor-esque pornstar Sasha Grey. Actually, she’s a full-on whore who’s won an award for ‘Best Three Way’ which is now my favorite award for anything, ever. Wait… what was I writing about? Oh yeah… So the The Girlfriend Experience is rather experimental, but not that way. Soderbergh finds new ways to shoot things out of focus and overexposed blah blah blah… there’s no sex in this movie. I know, ridiculous. But it actually worked. This film isn’t for everyone. The plot is slow to pick up, its quiet and serene and it takes a contemplative and existential view of going to bone town for straight duckets, which was the title of my senior thesis at film school. My professor reduced my grade by a letter because I used urban vernacular in the title.
Verdict – Very watchable. Ms. Grey does a good job at playing a whore, huge stretch, but the only way she’ll play Ophelia in a production of Hamlet is if a ten inch penis plays the title character. But if you enjoy a thoughtful period piece/slice of life film, leave the Jergens at home and see this at a theater near you.
You know her birthday wish was for a penis flavored cake... with Duck Butter icing.
One Minute Movie Review – Star Trek May 13, 2009
Posted by Mike Scioscia's tragic illness in 1 minute movie review, Star Trek.add a comment
Don't pretend you don't want to see these two boning in a zero gravity situation.
AKA, “Beautiful People in Space”. You know, there’s a well-known “curse” on Star Trek movies – the odd-numbered ones suck, while the even-numbered ones are pretty decent, best said by Simon Pegg in his brilliant sit-com “Spaced”, which none of you have seen because you are simply unworthy. This is how you end up with odd-numbered movies about fighting a giant self-aware space cloud and going to the end of the galaxy to meet God. Meanwhile, the even-numbered ones include the classic villian Khan and going back through time in order to bring a humpback whale to 1986 San Francisco. Yes, that’s a thing.
By this logic, the new Star Trek reboot, the 11th in the series, would inevitably have to suck. Yet: it’s rad. Let’s be honest, a good deal of the credit is due to the fact that movie technology has reached a point where the future actually looks badass, as opposed to the original show where (despite it being set in the 2200s) you get to see what people from 1966 thought 1989 was going to look like. Even if the bridge of the Enterprise now looks vaguely reminiscent of an Apple Store.
Shatner upon being told he was not invited back for the new movie.
Look, when I go to a movie, I want it to look good, I want it to sound good, and I want it to kick my ass all over the place. This movie did all that and then some, just further proving that J.J. Abrams is king of the world. Well, universe. Though, it’s possible that after seeing the god-awful trailer for Transformers II before this, I could have watched “I Love Toy Trains” for two hours and been just as entertained.
It also answers the age-old questions: will Iowa in the 2200s have its own Grand Canyon; and will the Beastie Boys still be the music of choice? Yes and yes. This is a future I will be proud to have died 90 years in advance of.
1 Minute Movie Review: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Weekend Edition) May 8, 2009
Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.1 comment so far
I cut down trees, I skip and jump. I like to press wild flowers...
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (20th Century Fox)
Movies better than XMO:W : The Dark Knight, Iron Man, Batman Begins, X-Men, X2: X-Men United, and Point Break.
Movies worse than Wolverine: X-Men The Last Stand, Matrix Revolutions, The Spirit, Soul Plane.
Wolverine may have been just as good as X2 if they didn’t dress Jackman up like an lumberjack looking for a good time at a truck stop. It also would have benefited from limiting the number of ‘holding a dead/dying person and primitively yelling straight up to the sky’ shots to less than one per scene. Fox should just give up and make Marvel Zombies (make sure to watch through the credits for a special cameo!), it’d be less cheesy
Weekend Preview.
Star Trek (Paramount) – Apparently all the other major studios decided to get out of the Enterprise’s way because there’s only one other movie making a nation wide release this weekend. And that’s exactly what trekkies need; a nice, soothing full release with a happy ending. Because they’re nerds. Who never get any action. Cause they’re nerds. And so far the movie critics are giving it to them by orally pleasuring the 11th installment of the series by slobbering a 96% fresh rating on rottentomatoes.com all over J.J. Abram’s cloverfield. What?
I'm jus sayin', the show was better when it was bout doctorin'. But afta seezin figh, it be like all about J.D. and his love child and got all gay an shit.
Next Day Air (Summit Ent.) – Mike Epps, Mos Def, and Donald Faison breakdown racial stereotypes by starring in a film about underachievers who are terrible at their jobs and are also terrible at selling drugs. With a 14% fresh rating MLK Jr. would be proud. Or devasted. Definitely one of the two.
Recommendation: If its still in a theater near you, go see Adventureland. Or stay home and clean your pee with female hormones and then claim that you were just following doctors orders. See you July 1st Manny!
Esoteric Movie Tips – Towelhead. March 17, 2009
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Eckart was not thrilled at how much it actually did resemble his chin.
The E.M.T. is here to revive your slowly dying ability and motivation to find movies that don’t involve computer generated graphics, fat Mall Cops, or Tyler Perry.
Towelhead (Warner Independant) – Available on Netflix, Lackluster.com, cafedvd.com, DVDavenue.com and iTunes.
‘Towelhead’ is your classic 13 year old hottie turns every dude who isn’t a crazy racist into a foaming at the mouth sleezebag. A story to which we can all relate. Well maybe not all of us. Probably just the 1% of people that are petterasses actually. In fact, it’s pretty disgusting and off-putting, yet alluring. Wait what? It’s terrible. It’s sexy. It’s wrong. It’s sexy. It’s illegal. It’s skin is so soft. Oh my god what has happened!? Was she askin’ fer it? Probably not.
What this movie demonstrates is the duplicity (sorry if you have to look that up in a dictionary, I know learnin’ is dift-ticult) of Middle Easterners’ experience in the understanding, diverse and intellectual environment of early nineties Texas. A state that’s very progressive when compared to 1930’s Germany.
Click More for the rest of this fine article about a girls cuming of age story.
With Me You Only Need 2 Minutes… March 6, 2009
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I’ve been working and have abandoned my child… I have abandoned the stranger in the Alps. So here’s the new version of the Detractor… with me you only need 2 mintues… because I’m so intense… awww yeah.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall is prety forgettable. How many sappy love movies are the Judd Apatow crew going to make? Too many. ‘I Love You, Man’ looks like the next Superbad only older and gayer. Actually, nothing could be gayer than Superbad.
Quarentine is if ‘Cloverfield’ had dirty sex with ‘28 Days Later’ and then locked its ugly love child in a small apartment building until everyone exposed to it dies from suffering through plot holes.
Futurama: Beast of a Billion Backs has a billion jokes 50 of which are funny. The movie has a flash of the old style of Futurama and some good chuckles but for the most part the humor has turned to cheesy puns and some ‘Family Guy’ like non-sequiturs. Wait… no, ‘Family Guy’ stole that from Matt Groening. I hope Seth McFarlane chockes to death on a chunk of his grandmother’s corpse.
speaking of which…
Choke is Chuck Palaknyukka’s (Palahniuk) second novel to hit solenoid and it was as boring as it looked in it’s commercials. Why won’t someone make Invisible Monsters into a movie? You couldn’t make a story about drug addled super models/transgender freaks boring. Especially if Jessica Biel played the man character, uh, I mean main character. Yeah…
Those dogs are more feminine that Biel. Shit, my penis is more feminine than her overies. Too far?
Esoteric Movie Tip – Paprika January 26, 2009
Posted by The Ringer in Esoteric Movie Tips, movie reviews.add a comment
The E.M.T. is here to revive your slowly dying ability and motivation to find movies that don’t involve computer generated graphics, vampires, or Robert Downey Jr.
Boobs... the stuff dreams are made of. Or in this case, Booby-Boob... made with 100% Real Dream Fruit Juice.
Paprika (Sony Pictures Classics) - Available on Netflix (and Netflix Instant*), Lackluster.com, CafeDVD.com, and iTunes.
‘Paprika’ is your everyday story of a machine that psycho-analyzes your dreams by displaying them on a monitor with full color and sound and can even let someone else jump inside your dream, not only to observe your dream but also to interact with you and your dreamscape. How could anything go wrong? Well the machine that makes all this possible, the DC mini, if worn long enough will entrench itself into your skull and put you into a collective dreamscape that follows a giant parade of inanimate objects, flouting frogs and dolls, millions of dolls… permanently. Which is actually less tormenting than sitting next to your least favorite cousin at Thanksgiving dinner.
Paprika is beautifully animated. It’s probably the most visually intriguing animated movie I’ve ever seen. It’s strange blend of fantasy sequences and reality (or is it? oooooooooo… the intrigue!) make for a stoner’s wet dream and anime lover’s treasure chest, which is normally filled with Star Wars novels, Star Wars porn and regular porn… cause they’re lonely people.
For more click (More… ) If not then proceed to hit up your favorite pornography site, because you know you’re only surfing the rest of the web to make yourself feel better about eventually looking at other people do it.
