When fully aroused it's this big. It could crush you and your self confidence. Now stop asking me about it.

Where the Wild Things Are (Warner Bro’s)

Spike Jonze turns the kids book into an adult film (record scratch). Well, its more a film for adults. No wait. that’s doesn’t sound quite right either. Jonze has made a grown up film that deals with the emotions and tribulations of being a child and how even as adults we still struggle to dominate them but that at the end that’s okay because its a task we all have to handle. The best way to describe it is to compare it to a stage play. The movie is dependent on mature dialogue that crisply outlines plot, allegory, and character development rather than using lots of fantastical action, violence or cheap scares. Though it does have a dash of each. So if you go see it be prepared to learn something about anger, family and giant furry costumes at a calm pace.

Verdict – Watchable. Insightful with out beating you about your furry monster to get the point across. And it’s touching… aaaaawww yeah. Also the voice talent of Tony Soprano, Catherine O’Hare, Chris Cooper, Ghost Dog and the red head chick from Six Feet Under do a great job.

Director: Spike Jonze. Producers: Tom Hanks and others. Writers: Jonze and Dave Eggers (Who wrote A Heart Breaking of Staggering Genius and The Wild Things)

What part of this woman doesn't say Sundance Film Festival?

The Girlfriend Experience (Magnolia Pictures) – Steven Soderbergh’s films have recieved 13 Oscar nominations and 5 Oscar wins, one for Soderbergh as the director of Traffic. Afterwards he cashed in with the commmercially whorish Ocean’s Eleven trilogy but has returned to making things that don’t suck with a movie about someone who sucks for a living.  The main character is a high-end whore played by the whor-esque pornstar Sasha Grey. Actually, she’s a full-on whore who’s won an award for ‘Best Three Way’ which is now my favorite award for anything, ever. Wait… what was I writing about? Oh yeah… So the The Girlfriend Experience is rather experimental, but not that way. Soderbergh finds new ways to shoot things out of focus and overexposed blah blah blah… there’s no sex in this movie. I know, ridiculous. But it actually worked. This film isn’t for everyone. The plot is slow to pick up, its quiet and serene and it takes a contemplative and existential view of going to bone town for straight duckets, which was the title of my senior thesis at film school. My professor reduced my grade by a letter because I used urban vernacular in the title.

Verdict – Very watchable. Ms. Grey does a good job at playing a whore, huge stretch, but the only way she’ll play Ophelia in a production of Hamlet is if a ten inch penis plays the title character. But if you enjoy a thoughtful period piece/slice of life film, leave the Jergens at home and see this at a theater near you.

You know her birthday wish was for a penis flavored cake... with Duck Butter icing.

I cut down trees, I skip and jump. I like to press wild flowers...

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (20th Century Fox)

Movies better than XMO:W : The Dark Knight, Iron Man, Batman Begins, X-Men, X2: X-Men United, and Point Break.

Movies worse than Wolverine: X-Men The Last Stand, Matrix Revolutions, The Spirit, Soul Plane.

Wolverine may have been just as good as X2 if they didn’t dress Jackman up like an lumberjack looking for a good time at a truck stop. It also would have benefited from limiting the number of ‘holding a dead/dying person and primitively yelling straight up to the sky’ shots to less than one per scene. Fox should just give up and make Marvel Zombies (make sure to watch through the credits for a special cameo!), it’d be less cheesy

Weekend Preview.

Star Trek (Paramount) –  Apparently all the other major studios decided to get out of the Enterprise’s way because there’s only one other movie making a nation wide release this weekend. And that’s exactly what trekkies need; a nice, soothing full release with a happy ending. Because they’re nerds. Who never get any action. Cause they’re nerds. And so far the movie critics are giving it to them by orally pleasuring the 11th installment of the series by slobbering a 96% fresh rating on rottentomatoes.com all over J.J. Abram’s cloverfield. What?

I'm jus sayin', the show was better when it was bout doctorin'. But afta seezin figh, it be like all about J.D. and his love child and got all gay an shit.

Next Day Air (Summit Ent.) – Mike Epps, Mos Def, and Donald Faison breakdown racial stereotypes by starring in a film about underachievers who are terrible at their jobs and are also terrible at selling drugs. With a 14% fresh rating MLK  Jr. would be proud. Or devasted. Definitely one of the two.

Recommendation: If its still in a theater near you, go see Adventureland. Or stay home and clean your pee with female hormones and then claim that you were just following doctors orders. See you July 1st Manny!

Gran Torino (Warner Bros.) is racism squared multiplied by the square root of racial slurs MINUS bigotry plus unintentional hilarity, and twirling… always twirling towards freedom. Seriously though, Eastwood brings his geriatric cowboy/Dirty Harry persona to a Korean neighborhood and spends 2 hours calling everyone ‘zipperhead’. This would be uncalled for and offensive if it wasn’t coming out of an old man with his pants lifted above his bellybutton who then saves all the aforementioned zipperheads from gang violence. He’s like Archie Bunker with guns, chewing tobacco and shitty classic car.

Verdict – Very Watchable. Eastwood is a badass crotchedy old man who makes ya laugh, and he makes ya sad. The touching end of the film had the audience dead silent and there were multiple people weeping. Not me though, I was still laughing at the rampant racism.

 

 

Bald Bull's 'Bull Charge' was the end for Little Mac

The Wrester is why we suffer through countless weepy, pretentious, and conceited Indie films. Darran Aronofsky, the director of The Wrestler, made math interesting with ‘Pi’ then he made drugs seem terrible and depressing with ‘Requiem for a Dream’, then he made Hugh Jackman actually act in ‘The Fountain’ and now he’s made professional wrestling seem gritty, real, and entertaining. To him the impossible is nothing.

Verdict – Mickey Rourke + violence x Marisa Tomei toppless a lot = damn fine Oscar worthy film making.

Extra Fun Fact – The X-Men Origins: Wolverine trailer showed before the movie, and it looked lame.

If you loved the Bond of ‘Casino Royale’ but thought the poker section was its only campy misstep then you

Craig was unamused as the stunt coordinator described what he had to do to the man in the helmet after trousers were dropped.

and I should hang out sometime and drink beer until George W Bush is de-inaugerated from office, then vomit and “beer shit” until Obama is out of office. Until then go see ‘Quantum of Solace’. Its got all the shit ’splodes on a constant basis that you can handle and then it shoots you in the stomach just cause Bond doesn’t like the cut of your jib. You sketchy bastard.

Verdict – You owe yourself to see this after not watching MNF because your girlfriend threatened to leave you b/c all you do is ‘guy stuff’   For the lady readers…see this movie if you’d like to stare at Daniel Craig for 1.5 hours, which isn’t a bad idea after hanging out with your ugly boyfriend all Monday evening.

Don't blame me, I voted fer Kodos.

Many people will say Oliver Stone hasn’t made a great movie since 1991’s JFK. Not me, I like to stay awake while watching movies. Others say Oliver hasn’t made a great movie ever. But no one is calling “W.” great, because it’s beautifully mediocre. It’s so ‘middle of the road’ it’s brilliant. What? Exactly. This movie is what you want it to be. If you hate the movie’s possibly mentally challenged subject then this flick will be a lampooning satire. If you think Georgey W. Bushy Buns has gotten a bad wrap then this movie will seem like a fair, understanding biopic. Either way…Stone finally delivers a film that says, ‘You can’t blame a dumbass for being stupid.’

Touche Stone, touche.

Verdict – Much like Magic Eye it all depends on the viewer.

P.S. – It’s a sailboat.