Because movies don’t come with a warning…

Movies to Avoid This Weekend:

Pirate Radio (Studio Canal via Focus Features)

The cast is impressive and enticing. Phillip Seymour Hoffman may be the best male actor in the business as of now,    Bill

Studies show when asked if they would nail Phillip Seymour Hoffman 2 of 3 women laugh histerically. The third considers it for the same reason she cut herself in highschool.

Nighy is and will forever be awesome for his role of Phillip in Shaun of the Dead and Kenneth Brannagh, whether you like him or not and percentages suggest that you probably don’t, has talent and is perfect for playing a deuchington that no one likes. Other than that Pirate Radio is a formulaic story that is 100% worth renting on DVD for semi-free on NetFlix while it’s only 50% worth seeing for $12.50 plus price of fifty ounce diabetes flavored soda.

Recommendation: For Seymour Hoffmanphiliacs only. Go see The Messenger instead and be inspired to do something good for this world, unless you aspire to swear on the radio.

2012 (Centropolis Ent. via Columbia Pictures)

Rolland Emmerich keeps getting his films made because movie studios might as well use the special effects they’ve

Rob made a top ten list of his favorite natural disasters. He and this child actor were dissapointed that Barry could not be there to disagree with them.

spent billions of dollars developing. This “film” looks so bad it might be good. This theory is supported by these three overtly sexual snipets from semi-legitimate reviewers:

“The audience paid for money shots, and money shots are what they get.” – Rob Vaux of Mania.com

“This isn’t disaster porn, it’s a disaster gang-bang.” – Scott Von Doviak of culturevulture.net

I should do more drugs to keep up the level of depravity that my peers are churning out.

Recommendation: Avoid at all costs unless you’re interested in a comedy. With a 37% rottentomatoes rating before its release it’s obvious that even the critics being paid to give it a good review won’t give it a good review. The safe bet is on this movie being worse than Rolland’s Godzirra. Go see Fantastic Mr. Fox. It will probably be funnier and less soul shattering as Wes Anderson should be allowed to make movies unlike Rollan Smellerich. See what I did there? I commbined smelly and Emmerich. C’mon, what do you want from me? Not every director’s last name lends it self to mockery like M. Night Shamalamasuckssweatydonkeyballsandthenmakesmoviesaboutwindkillingpeople.

The League (FX) – Thursdays at 10:30 and 11:30pm.

It appears that week 2 of the League was a trick play and the viewers just had the Statue of Liberty play run down the field all over them like that sophomore girl that was invited to Prom by that senior guy who was just short of being nominated for Prom King. She couldn’t say no. He was in the running to be in the running for Prom King. In the end, she should have said no. That guy ruined a perfectly good dress that she was never going to wear again which made her cry even though she was never going to wear the dress again anyway.

Sorry, too much ether last night.

The League failed to conjure multiple laughs after abandoning the successful strategy of using three dirty, naughty, awesome themes to make as many inappropriate jokes as possible.

Grade: D+  Intensely boring. At least they called Frank Gore getting hurt. The only reason to watch week for is that it’s still drafting behind It’s Always Sunny… twice in one night.

The League (FX) – Thursdays at 10:30 and 11:30pm.

Last week The League premiered and sucked. This week The League did not suck and was quite entertaining. Pilot

This may be the greatest combination for a man's solitary sex life since Jergens and Puffs Plus. Now you can be physically fit, avoid chaffing and be relaxed.

episodes are either the best episode of a show’s rookie season (Sopranos) or it’s a lackluster representation of a decent show that’s worth watching (Scrubs, The Simpsons). Two episodes is a tiny sample size and the future for this show remains uncertain. However, The League’s second showing took three themes and hammered out as many jokes as it could and it worked. Normally this strategy equals annoying repetition with a hand-off to boredom. But the themes The League picked were: jerking off to pornography, guys who nail the same women and vagina pride. All of which are funny and not discussed in such detail and with fervor on other shows. Fantasy football rides the pine for most of the game but subs in when needed and it works out. If The League continues to bring funny jokes about racy topics and ram them down your throat for 22 minutes then this show will have lofty expectations and will need to avoid the dreaded sophomore slump. If is a strong word when trying to hold onto some hope for a show that is based on a gimmick but The League may turn into a Cinderella story.

Grade: B  A second chance has turned into a third chance. On third and short will The League convert?* Would have been a B+ but there’s a trade that’s too preposterous even for blackmail. A show about fantasy football should know better.
*The stranger guarantees way less lame football references down the line.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia – Solid as usual. Plus they added 6 times the normal amount of large boobs. Frank

Lindsay Lohan x Amy Winehouse = The loveliness of Dennis in a man thong. Gross.

continues to be the most absurd character in live action television. His hair is beyond bed head and it embraces the fashion of the homeless. Kudos to you sir.

Grade: B+  It’s nice to see the gang back to a full episode of arguing.

Community – An excellent showing from my new favorite show that isn’t Curb Your Enthusiasm. This week unfortunately featured another weak opening but fully recovered with such amazing things as: an AIDS joke, a suicide note joke, a Brian Williams joke, a racist Michael Richards (the janitor from Weird Al Yankovic’s UHF)  joke and finally, a delicious herpes joke.

Grade: A-  Abed continues to entertain no matter what he does or says. McHale doing an Abed impersonation is entertainment squared.

Click More… For wrap ups of The Office, 30 Rock and South Park. Or be forced to not know if other people agree with you.

The Office – Pretty much the best episode of the season. Possibly the best episode in two years. All the characters make sufficient additions and do so while sticking to their wheelhouses and not getting cute with anything. Creed comes back with a strong moment and Dwight has an amazing moment during a confessional. This episode is classic The Office.

Grade: A  This episode could only be improved by changing the theme song to something that does not sound like an auditory carcinogen.

30 Rock – An unimpressive episode. Jack Donaghy goes through some trials and tribulation. Episodes where Jack is humbled are necessary to keep him from becoming a completely monstrous character similar to Monty Burns though he isn’t as funny during these episodes. 30 Rock’s 22 minutes are still worth watching for a couple rips on Lemon but living in a time slot surrounded by so many quality comedies it fails to shine.

Grade: D  Normally this episode would garner a C or C- but there was ZERO screen time for Cerie. None. Fuck you NBC.

South Park – This half hour of comedy needed to be made. Trey Parker continues to bring important societal and cultural conflicts and commentary into the living room and Matt Stone continues to help… apparently. Harley Davidson enthusiasts are awful. Thank god someone said it on a national stage.

Grade: B  Could’ve been funnier but it focused on doing something for the good of the community.

A Preview of Sherlock Holmes (Warner Bros – Village Roadshow Pictures) has been requested by a reader – Directed by Guy Ritchie – Starring RDJ, Jude Law, Rachel McAdams – Written by Michael Robert Johnson (this is his first go-round), Anthony Peckham (2001’s Don’t Say a Word and the upcoming new Clint Eastwood flick) and Simon Kenberg (wrote Jumper, X-Men’s Last Stand, Mr. & Mrs. Smith and XxX: State of the Union)

Ritchie is clearly trying to hammer down the sought after female/gay dude/sadist demographic which is the third largest demographic right after males 18-35 and female tweens.

Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes looks to be following the template of 2004’s Van Helsing; take a classic literary character, cast good looking guy with hot girl, turn into action movie, print money. Holmes probably won’t be as bad as Helsing… well, it WON’T be as bad as Helsing. Nothing is bad as Van Helsing. Herpes is better than that movie. Herpes with HIV filling isn’t as bad as that monumental disastrous raping of a literary icon. However Ritchie’s reinvention (re-envisioning?) of England’s second most famous sleuth seems to be a little, just a tad, geared toward a larger audience than the original character created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

In the original stories Holmes and Watson rarely used weapons. Holmes only used his cane twice as a weapon over the course of four novels and a multitude of short stories, according to the Almighty. He and Watson did in fact pack heat and engaged into the occasional pastime of fisticuffs but for the most part Holmes stuck to his favorites: talking, thinking, and doing drugs. The talking and the thinking will definitely play in the new film but the drug use isn’t tween friendly and it’s rated PG-13 which is lame.

Overall this film looks to be a slight perversion of the Holmes character and story style but will most likely be a blockbuster popcorn flick that will satisfy many a fan. Especially the ladies. Face it… this movie is designed to have enough action and violence for the gents and enough hunky man nipples for the bitches, I mean ladies.

There are 5 reasons to see this movie: RDJ, explosions,  RDJ, your girlfriend will probably see it with you, and RDJ.

There are 8 reasons not to see this movie: Guy Ritchie*, Jude Law, Simon Kenberg, partial male nudity, English accents, a PG-13 rating, your girlfriend will probably see it with you and then pretend your penis is RDJ’s penis the next time she lets you touch her in the pants-pants. AND IT’S CO-WRITTEN BY THE GUY WHO WROTE XxX: STATE OF THE FUCKING UNION!

* I know some people like Guy Ritchie’s films but then again Dancing with the Stars is the most popular television show right now.

The League – Thursdays on FX at 10:30pm and 11:30pm

Pretty simple stuff. The League is about suburban guys playing in a fantasy football league. They all have to deal with their lives and how it effects their fantasy seasons which is opposed to real people having to deal with their fantasy seasons affecting their regular lives.

It stars: Mark Duplass, one of the writers of ‘Baghead’ a horror movie from 2008. Nick Kroll, the

For a show that is directly targeting unathletic males 25+ years old this promotional picture sure is metro. And very draftable in the 13th round, rarrrrrrr. wait... what? Sorry, I'm going to go spend the next 3 to 5 minutes searching Jenna Haze on google to rebuild my sexual confidence.

voice of Stu in ‘The Life and Times of Tim’ and was a co-’star’ in Cavemen… the show about Geico’s cavemen. Stephen Rannazzisi, who had a bit part in ‘Paul Blart: Mallcop’. Jon Lajoie, a Canadien youtube sensation most famous for a song called ‘Show Me Your Genitals’ and ‘Everyday Normal Guy.” Paul Scheer, of Human Giant and the Upright Citizens Brigade (not the original MTV show but the still running improv troupe that performs in LA and NYC.)

So that cast sounds like a bunch of assholes plus Paul Scheer. Lajoie had some pretty kinda funny stuff on youtube but nothing that would make me say, ‘Oh thank zombie baby jesus! Someone finally gave Jon Lajoie a tertiary character on a basic cable sitcom!’

I do respect Scheer though. He’s been successful as an improv comedian and even has an improv show called FACEBOOK in which he makes fun of people’s facebook profiles. Wish I’d though of that.

The show itself is reflected by the quality of the cast. Nothing amazing and not the worst thing in the world. The pilot episode circled around two lifelong friends one of which isn’t playing in the league this year because his wife sucks and he’s whipped. Scheer is the loser character that everyone tolerates because they need a character every other character can rip on. Lajoie plays the sketchy friend they call Taco. This seems to be a half hearted attempt at creating the unfortunately named side character which was perfected by Growing Pain’s Josh Koenig as Richard Milhous “Boner” Stabone.

By the end of the show I had an overwhelming feeling of not giving a shit about this show. I’ll give it a second chance but only because it’s drafting off of It’s Always Sunny twice in one night. It was also created by one of the executive producers of Curb Your Enthusiasm Jeff Schaffer, who also directed 2 episodes of Curb and Euro Trip, so I guess that’s worthy of some benefit of doubt.

Grade: C-

Thirsty Thursday has come and gone but the hangover remains the same. But now… here’s a review of the best night in television (Not counting Sunday which is the best night in television by de facto Curb Your Enthusiasm viewing) because you have way too much work to do on a Friday to actually do it all.

Rule #420 When Tripping: Don't have a bird of pray mounted to your arm. Unless it's your spirit animal.

Community – Had a horrible start. Not only was it not funny for about 9 minutes it was negatively funny as it’s jokes missed the mark by a small football field. The second half was back to standard Community affair. It took Pierce (Chevy Chase) to new heights as a character with the best drug sequences since ‘That 70’s Show’ set the standard for drug scenes on network television. In fact, it surpassed 70’s Show.

Grade: B+  Because I love drugs.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you and fuck you. Except you Aziz, you're still cool. You're the only Indian that could pull off a T-Pain costume. I'm still pissed they kicked you off Scrubs.

Parks and Recreation – I’ve given up. I don’t see this show as funny, clever, or funny. Did I mention not funny twice? Yes I did. When a show has Louis C.K. in it and doesn’t get more out of him than a few chuckles worth then that show is dead to this blogger. R.I.P. P&R. Maybe I’ll visit your grave if my friends can convince me your show has completely changed.

Grade: Fail

The Office – This season’s theme seems to be that Jim is a jackass. So things could work out because Jim is a jackass. Though I was disappointed that they didn’t continue to step up the ‘Dwight’s espionage crusade against Jim’ this week. So I’ll assume they pick it back up soon.

Grade: B+

Click More for 30 Rock, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and South Park…

Less Frank reacting to gay dudes making out in costume...

30 Rock – This season isn’t wowing me so far. Though I do want to go to a gay Halloween party this weekend now. I think 30 Rock has corrupted my neural net processor, a learning to be gay computer. There better be hot chicks at the gay party I’m going to Saturday. Overall I wish I had watched the new South Park instead of this. Though I’m not giving up on Liz Lemon’s gang of morons yet, they are in fact relegated to being view on hulu the next day and South Park will be promoted to live viewing. Which brings me to the point that Liz Lemon needs to get laid this season. How many episodes will that take? 15, 20? I predict and hope she blows Donaghy in epsidoe 20 and they never mention it again as she fails to bring him to the precipice of physical joy inside a woman’s mouth.

More Xerox dressed as an Italian Senator... Id give her a seat anytime! If you dont get this joke kill yourself or get laid for the first time in your adult life. I hope you finally experience the precipice of joy inside of a woman.

Grade: C+  Points were detracted due to a Jeff Dunham appearance.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – Show of the Week. It started slow and then took off. Rickity Cricket returns and doesn’t disappoint. He’s one of the best throw-away characters in the history of television. Also in the show, Frank in a spandex onesy… hilariously disgusting. He’s been nothing but disgusting this season and it’s been glorious. Speaking of which, I didn’t mention this before and it must be discussed. The Snail jokes were amazing two weeks ago. I really hope she returns. I don’t feel good about that but it will be on my Christmas wish list.

Grade: A-

South Park – The Japanese really do hate dolphins and whales. And the show Whale Wars is really gay and nothing ever happens on it. Also, Poker Face is a really bad song that is sung better by Cartman than that thing people call Lady GaGa. With some laugh out loud moments this wasn’t there best or most controversial effort this season but still funny.

Grade: B-

When fully aroused it's this big. It could crush you and your self confidence. Now stop asking me about it.

Where the Wild Things Are (Warner Bro’s)

Spike Jonze turns the kids book into an adult film (record scratch). Well, its more a film for adults. No wait. that’s doesn’t sound quite right either. Jonze has made a grown up film that deals with the emotions and tribulations of being a child and how even as adults we still struggle to dominate them but that at the end that’s okay because its a task we all have to handle. The best way to describe it is to compare it to a stage play. The movie is dependent on mature dialogue that crisply outlines plot, allegory, and character development rather than using lots of fantastical action, violence or cheap scares. Though it does have a dash of each. So if you go see it be prepared to learn something about anger, family and giant furry costumes at a calm pace.

Verdict – Watchable. Insightful with out beating you about your furry monster to get the point across. And it’s touching… aaaaawww yeah. Also the voice talent of Tony Soprano, Catherine O’Hare, Chris Cooper, Ghost Dog and the red head chick from Six Feet Under do a great job.

Director: Spike Jonze. Producers: Tom Hanks and others. Writers: Jonze and Dave Eggers (Who wrote A Heart Breaking of Staggering Genius and The Wild Things)

Comedy Thursday! Pound for pound the best day of comedy!

A great comedian and Chevy Chase. Together they look like the last 2 people a 18 year old female freshman would want to find herself alone with at a kegger.

Community – Joel McHale’s first primetime network sitcom affair continues to be endearing, clever, occasionally out loud funny and backhandedly racist and sexist in a charming way.  I continue to love it more than other more developed, popular and sexier shows. Because it has personality and it does the dishes. You to should also date Commuity, I mean watch it.

This weeks episode – Troy Considers Playing Football and Brita Wants to Be One of the Girls. Abed doesn’t get much screen time but the Dean subs in beautifully and creepily. It was great. Grade: B+

Parks and Recreation – Amy Poehler’s foray  into primetime continues to be horrible, unoriginal and a huge disappointment for the female species. Ricky Gervais’ The Office has been rehashed in the U.S.A., France, Germany, Canada, and even Chile [in the Chilean version the whole office gets locked in the office for months and ends up eating the accounting department] but Parks and Recreation is like that loser in junior high that started wearing snap bracelets 5 years too late. Your attempt at popularity is flawed and isn’t helping your chances with the boys.

Mrs. Amy Poehler-Arnett-Bluth you are better than snap bracelets. You are better than this show. Aziz Ansari, you sir, are better than this show.

This weeks episode – Wasn’t funny. Grade: D

Click More for This Weeks The Office (which is trying to stay ahead of Parks & Suckreation) 30 Rock and Tosh.O

The Office – The new season continues to straddle a strange line between dram, comedy, dramedy and a show

Michael continues to make things frustrating. Are you bored as much as Jim yet?

that’s humorous with out punch lines. So much content of recent episodes lean on the viewers previous knowledge of each character. Example: Michael pretends to be blind and knock things over. The writers must assume that Michael being Michael is and will always be funny even it isn’t exceptional or shocking. Slightly offensive doesn’t cut it anymore for Michael Scott. Step up your game The Office.

This weeks episode – Pam flips out because Michael is banging her mom. Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this…and totally redeem yourself! And Jim vs. Dwight seems back to being in full swing. Thank god. This show only truly shines when Jim and Dwight or Dwight and Andy go head to head. Grade: A-

Hey, Liz Lemon! You're a bitch! And only funny when Alec Baldwin or me makes you say something funny under your breath as you walk away!

30 Rock – The season premier was mediocre. Jack wants a new cast member and… well, nothing else was too memorable. The second episode was much better because Tracy Jordan is hilarious and apparently carries reef sharks in garbage bags. Liz Lemon was whiny and shocked that people were mad at her. Will she ever notice that no one likes her? Stay tuned for the next 8 seasons or until the show isn’t profitable anymore because Tracy Morgan demands too much money after being arrested for nailing a 17 year old in the back of a Volkswagon and has outrageous legal fees!

This weeks episode: Everyone hates Liz Lemon and Will Arnett returns to take down Jack Donaghy. Will Arnett and Alec Baldwin deserve their own show a l
a Spy vs. Spy. Grade: A-

Tosh.O – Is awesome. Watch it. Comedy Central 10pm. If you find stereotyping to be racist then don’t bother. Go read the bible or walk in circles holding candles and bongos chanting ‘Hey Hey, Ho Ho, this Penis Party’s Got to Go.’ You’re no fun and no likes you. Those around you are simply tolerating you. The rest of us are enjoying Daniel Tosh’s razor sharp insensitive douchebagery and loving it.

This weeks episode: Crying New York Giants fan gets his attempt at redemption. Grade: B+