In the real world, both his shoulders would be dislocated

Holy crap. Seriously, holy fucking crap. That is all I thought walking out of this movie. It has some of the worst dialogue, acting,  and special effects ever created. Yet, on some level I enjoyed it. I think it mostly has to do with Terry Crews showing up with some sort of automatic shotgun and killing everything on-screen.

I’m not even going to do a recap of what happens in this movie because it really doesn’t matter. All you have to know is that if you were a young boy in the late 80s and early 90s you will probably like this movie.  Do not under any circumstances bring your wife/girlfriend/hooker to this movie. They will hate you for wasting their time and look at you with disgust when you tell them you strangely enjoyed it.

To wrap up my quick review, let me just break down one thing for you. Most of the movie takes place on a made up island called Vilena. At some point someone mentions that the island has 6,000 people on it. I’ve thought about it and I assumed that there was probably 1 solider for every 10 people on the island. So the climatic scene is five heavily armed guys against 600 heavily armed soldiers.  I tried to count how many people the five heavily armed men killed but I lost count somewhere around the 20th knife that Jason Statham launched through someone’s neck (how many knives did he bring??). So I’m going to assume that they killed 400 people. They killed 67% of this small island’s army.  That sums up this movie pretty well.

Oh and also Stone Cold Steve Austin catches on fire and Randy Couture kicks him in the face WHILE HE IS ON FIRE.

OSCARS FOR EVERYONE.

- Not sure who is worse, Billy Bush or Ryan Seacrest. They both seem to think they are insightful and funny yet come off as creepy and borderline racist most of the time.

- I still don’t get why Glee is popular. I’ve tried to watch an entire episode. It isn’t funny and mostly keeps you watching by tapping into the nostalgia of old 80′s songs.  What am I missing?

- I hate Jimmy Fallon and I’m not sure why. He tries hard and sometimes can come up with a good joke. Is it just because he was so terrible on SNL and ruined every skit he was in with his uncontrolled laughing? Yes,  that is probably it.

- Conan should have won the Emmy. Not just because he deserved it, but because I’m sure his speech would have been amazingly epic. Damn you NBC.

- Speaking of NBC, all their new fall shows look god awful. Jesus.  Not surprised, they are the people who gave Jay Leno an hour of prime time 5 days a week.

- Ricky Gervais probably got the biggest laugh of the night out of me. Can’t we just let him host every award show? Preferably drunk.

- As for the actual awards, meh. I’m glad Mad Men won and I’m a little annoyed Lost got snubbed completely in their last season. Besides that all I learned was that the voters really love movies about autistic people.  Noted.

Apparently Inception feels like the morning after your first night at college. Putting things in your brain make for flippery sloors.

Inception (Warner Bros)

Inception is the only summer blockbuster that’s worth paying eighteen dollars to see in IMAX in 2010. Well, such an expensive trip to the theater is hardly defensible but in New York Shitty no price tag is based in reality. The story’s complexity, the cinematography’s lusciousness and the expert acting make Nolan’s 10 year brainstorm one of the few action movies with an IQ above Michael Bay’s leather jacket. Even though it suffers from typical action/sci-fi pitfalls, like the endless stream of henchman unable to properly aim a gun at someone’s face and it requires the suspension of your disbelief and knowledge that most dreams just involve nonsense fit for a Teletubbies episode, Christopher Nolan pieces together a movie that’s classically imaginative and fun. Lastly, like a great detective story the viewer is supposed to piece the puzzle together as they watch to figure out the big question at the end.

Verdict: Very Watchable. M. Night Shyama-Please Stop Making Awful Movies-lan needs to watch this flick and learn. Nolan managed to have 4 plot lines occur simultaneously without making it superfluous or needlessly confusing. Plus, Leo is just dreamy… ugh, I don’t feel good about that joke but hey… I’ve yet to wake up today.

Complaints I heard from friends: “Too confusing”, “not confusing enough”, “It didn’t make me emotionally invested in the main character.”

Praise I heard from friends: “It kicked ass and I loved it.”

SPOILER ALERT DISCUSSION OF THE ENDING AFTER JUMP (and by spoiler alert I mean this will ruin the movie entirely)

The totum stops spinning after the last shot goes black. If it doesn’t and the whole movie is a dream then the time line wouldn’t make sense and the team of dream thieves would’ve hit the ‘limbo level’ after the hotel instead of entering the Snow Fortress level.

But this forces other questions to be asked. Why is it that all the character’s go to the same limbo level of dreaming? If your dream version of conciousness dies and your body is unable to wake up how could you share a dream space with someone else? Wouldn’t it be like when you’re in between dreams? As in, your not dreaming at all. But Leo, Juno, Cillian Murphy, and Ken Watanabe all enter the limbo Cobb and Mol built together over 50 dream years and continue to share a dream. So wouldn’t that mean they were all Leo’s projections in a coma length dream? Why is it that his projection of Mol appears even though he isn’t the architect (supposedly) nor the target brain that fills the dream with projections? Why aren’t any other dream thieves able to create projections in other people’s dreams? So, yeah, I don’t know if the damn thing stops spinning or not. And I prefer it that way.

Props to Nolan for walking the line on this. Paul Verhoeven’s Total Recall was the last sci-fi/action flick to achieve such ambiguity of evidence to support both “it’s all a dream” or “just parts of it were all a dream.”

He's like Seinfeld with red hair, funnier and a whole lot more reasons to be depressed... and jerk off jokes. Lots and lots of jerk off jokes.

Louie – FX, Tuesdays at 11pm

Meet Louis CK. He isn’t that famous off the stand-up circuit but he’s deservedly getting more recognition from general audiences. His dark, foul mouthed, self-deprecating style of comedy would be more depressing than hilarious in the hands of other stand-ups and TV writers. CK manages to create a more lovable, huggable, and non-threatening everyman character that gets away with discussing off-putting topics by exuding a nubile level of innocence stuck in a overweight and unattractive 42 year old man. Because he’s so talented as an entertainer his lovable loser schtick has reached a new height of cool. He’s like the James Dean of fat and ugly.

His new show on FX (also available on Hulu.com) is in the style of Seinfeld but in composition only. The show starts with Louie performing stand-up in a small comedy venue in New York City and bleeds into a story line that parallels the stand-up topics with more on-stage jokes sprinkled throughout the half-hour. Unlike Seinfeld, Louie has plenty of uncensored swears, it doesn’t dance around taboo topics and it’s characters aren’t synthetic and formulaic. It’s more like Curb Your Enthusiasm without a complicated blueprint.

Grade: A

The show is already more entertaining than its lead-in. A must see show for anytime of the year but because Louie CK isn’t well known the summer is the best place for him to find new viewers with nothing else to watch. So no excuses. Go meet Louie.
Sidenote: FX’s hilarious trio of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Archer and Louie the black sheep of the FOX Network is suddenly giving NBC a run for it’s comedy championship belt.

Tommy tries to reach his happy place before the Empire State Building gives him a prostate exam.

Rescue Me – FX, Tuesdays at 10pm

Rescue Me’s season premier usually clears the dirty dishes of the previous season and sets the table for the new one without any bombshell jokes or twists but this season’s start has not been less compelling as previous years. The first two episodes of the long delayed sixth season were sub-par. No big laughs. No shocking moments. No secondary plot lines to break up the melodrama of Tommy’s plight. Last night’s episode picked up the pace and had some laughs supplied by the firefighters of the 62 truck. But after five years of watching Tommy being pussy-whipped by Janet and Sheila maybe it’s time to change the basic skeleton of the show. Rescue Me needs to pull a Dexter and murder a main character. Or someone. Shit needs to shake up! You need to make me laugh… and bloooooow me. Because I deserve it. Sorry, but the Mel Gibson phone calls is still the funniest thing the summer has handed us.

Grade: C

The nighttime soap is fading fast. The show hasn’t done anything mind blowing since Tommy raped Janet in season 3. What’s worse is that Colleen’s alcoholism is ruining her skin complexion and her spot in the spank bank. So, c’mon Tommy. Hurry up and get Colleen off the hooch… or rape someone. I prefer you clean up your smokin’ hot daughter but a raping is acceptable. (Checks with lawyer) Fictionally raping someone… would be… entertaining… Uh, I feel awful for saying that but it’s true.

Have you ever wondered if an alien race would take the term "skull fuck" too literally? Adrien Brody has.

Predators (20th Century Fox)

Nimrod Antal’s “Predators” gets back to the basics of the original and does a decent job as an action flick. There’s some laughs, some unintentional laughs, good amount of gore and a musical score that’s nearly identical to Alan Silvestri’s composition for Arnold v Predator. The CD of soundtrack of that score runs $200 plus on amazon.com. So stealing it was a good idea as it helps the audience forgive them for skimping on fake explosions and a few other things.

Verdict: Watchable. It doesn’t match the original but it doesn’t embarrass the franchise.  Lovers of the Govenator’s best action movie will dig it a bit more than others. The reason for that is a few direct homages to the original. So… c’mon. Do it. Do it now. /listens to Little Richard’s Long Tall Sally.

Director: Nimròd Antal (Armored, Vacancy which is a decent genre flick) Producers: Robert Rodriguez (All sorts of action movies) and John Davis (All Predator movies, Grumpy Old Men, Marmaduke)

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Fun questions to consider while being forced to watch commercials at a movie theater before Predators: Will the black guy die first for the first time in the series? Will a female cast member in a major role ruin the movie like in Predator 2? Will Eric Foreman ever go to college?

Everyone's favorite Italian plumber/babysitter now brings movies along with his pedo-mustache.

Netflix will not be stopped. It will destroy Blockbuster. It will enter your home via mail carrier, TiVo, nerdbox 360 and now your Wii. At this point Netflix is daring anyone born after 1975 to not sign up and giving them no reason not to do it. And now if you’re a person who owns a smaller, messier, dumber version of themselves (a child) and you can’t stand talking to them all day you now have one more reason to buy them a Wii. This makes the Wii even more adult friendly and will make Netflix more kid friendly. Just wait till all 3,437,432 straight to DVD SpongeBob SquarePants movies are available for you to watch while smoking the devil’s lettuce… uh, I mean, for your child to watch while eating Booberry (who is the most stoned looking cereal logo since General Mills made Frankenberry open his eyes all the way… but this has nothing to do with anything.)

For their customers who already utilize their instant viewing services the only question is when will more than 10% of the list of movies available for instant streaming be worth watching?

Not any time soon. Hollywood will always make $25 DVDs available for purchase before they’ll be available for virtual rental but hopefully a few years down the line that timeline will shorten to a couple of weeks instead of months and in most cases never. But the new generation of Americans will want their entertainment to be viewable immediately and not just the second tier of movie titles but all the top notch crowd pleasers. The children who will be the most important consumer demographic in ten years will be accustomed to having a virtual library of thousands and they will lead us to the promised land… never having to leave the house to rent a movie or walk to the mailbox. God bless America… and the Japanese who make it all possible.

Viewers should consider similar products to enhance their instant viewing experience.

Franklin said some things whitey wasn't ready to hear. He also said some things African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.

Ever heard of a short-lived family sitcom that used to be on Fox called Arrested Development? If you have then you should probably watch all three seasons again or for the third or fourth time. If you haven’t then setting aside a half hour or more per day to watch this modern day classic is well worth your while.

America’s misfit dysfunctional family has found a new home at Netflix Instant View. Hulu.com and Universal HD had given them a couch to stay on for a little bit here and there but not all three seasons at the same time since Hulu began splitting up the seasons about a year ago. As of right now only the third season is available on their site.

But now all three seasons are primed, moist and willing for your convenience and viewing pleasure on with no commercials on Netflix. Live the greats all over again: Tobias Blue-ing himself, chicken dance after chicken dance, learning Pop-Pop’s lessons (especially the lesson on not giving people lessons), never-nude cut-offs, Charlize Theron playing the hottest retarded character ever, the corn baller, Lucille’s drinking and pill popping, everything that Buster does, Franklin the racist but funny puppet, STEVE HOLT! and everything in between.

Enjoy Arrested Development today on your computer or Xbox.

Warning: Fanboys will want to have some tissues ready to mop up any drooling while dreaming of the movie that’s in development.

Remember: Family first.

You know Mark, with all due respect, your brother was kinda douchey anyway.

Shutter Island (Paramount) – Leonardo DiCaprio runs around an island off of Massachusetts while trying to improve his Boston accent, which he didn’t, trying to find a mental hospital escapee. Mark Ruffalo tags along because if a movie is set in the 1950s then Mark Ruffalo’s automatically cast. Shutter Island has lots of flashbacks, corny dialogue and stupid haircuts. Ben Kingsly however continues to make bald beautiful and corny dialogue sound majestic. But the meat and potatoes of the film is the twist. Martin Scorcese takes his own slant on the surprise ending but not in a clever or non-completely predictable way. Shame on you Mr. Scorcese for making M. Night Shamalyamayam look like he’s good at what he does.

Verdict: Predictable twist ending + longest reveal ever = a surprising disappointment.

Weekend Preview

Cop Out (Warner Brothers) Kevin Smith is back with another comedy that’s not as good, interesting or original as ‘Clearks’.

So me, Stifler and John McClain have to go rescue the nun from Nacho Libre? We better bring toast...

The commercials make this movie look as appealing as a hot waxing after a long day in a tanning bed. But by the look of the red band trailer it’s obvious that the TV commercials contain the only material that isn’t R rated. So maybe it won’t be the worst movie Kevin Smith ever made because to be worse than Jersey Girl usually requires Liv Tyler’s amazing thespian talent. And besides, the smoking hot nun from Nacho Libre is in it… so, maybe there will be a taste of the glory! See what it tastes like.

The Crazies (Overture) Tim Olyphant and family try to survive non-un-dead zombies while the military kills everything that moves. With a pre-release rottentomato rating of 88% it’s probably more intriguing than being just another horror movie but post release the rating will be deflated and it will rightfully be a 65%-72% type movie. But for a horror movie a 70% fresh rating is like an Oscar.

Recommendation: Check out The Crazies. It takes a cool genre and makes it less camp. Could be worse.

Let's take a romantic bath together Dexter. I'll go warm up the water.

If you don’t know what spoiler alert means surely google.com will be able to find the definition for you. If you don’t want the ending of the fourth season of Dexter spoiled then don’t read the rest of this article. Or any of it.

In an entertainment world of cheap thrills, kitschy twists and infuriating cliffhanger season finales Showtime’s Dexter doesn’t follow the rest of the sheep. Each of the four seasons have ended succinctly and cleanly. All the story arcs come full circle with all the necessary information revealed. Most importantly each season ends at a significant turning point in Dexter’s life. Season one ends after he murders his brother who was the only person at the time to know Dexter’s secret. Season two ends after murdering his ex-girlfriend who murdered Sgt. Doakes, the only other person to know Dexter’s true hobby, leaving Dexter free to continue as a crazy fuck on the loose. Season three ended after Dexter murdered his new best friend whom found out Dex’s secret then convinced Dex to teach him the trade of murder for fun. Then he married Rita.

Click More… for the spoiler.

And most recently… season 4 ended after Dexter murdered Dick Solomon John Lithgow, the umpteenth person to know Dexter’s true nature, but not before Rita’s throat was sliced open with baby Harrison sitting on the floor with a front row seat. That’s correct. Rita Morgan was murked out by John Lithgow (a.k.a. Arthur Miller a.k.a The Trinity Killer) in the bathtub, with a knife with Dexter’s baby sitting in a pool of blood.

And this is why Baby Harrison will never use the boysenberry syrup at IHOP.

The show was due for a game changer. TV show audiences always need escalation of watershed events in the story line to stay interested. After killing off three semi-minor characters it was obvious that this season was going to up the stakes but it was a matter of who not when. In retrospect Rita was the obvious and excellent choice of victim. She didn’t have much screen time and her absence won’t affect the chemistry of the cast as most of the show’s content is between the detectives and Dexter. Also Rita was annoying, not funny and was a constant drag on Dexter’s murder schedule. Her death also presents several wrinkles into Dex’s life which might make it even harder for him to continue as a serial murdering vigilante. Will he be able to find a babysitter so he can follow, capture, dismember, and dispose of his next target? Can he take Cody to little league, Harrison to jamboree and Astor to piano practice and still have enough time to talk to his dead dad while trying not to throw up over the thought of Angel and LaGuerta naked, sweaty, covered in come and in the same bed?

No matter how season five proceeds Dexter has thus far proven to be a cold-blooded TV show. It has also proven to be a show conscious of which of its characters aren’t endearing to its audience. Thanks to Showtime for having some balls and killing a main character. Hopefully next year they’ll finally chop up Lt. Angel Baptista into tiny little bits wrapped inside one of his stupid shirts. Or LaGuerta. Preferably both of them.

Season Grade: A-  Better than season three. Not better than season two.

Individual Grades:

A- Dexter as a new dad kept things interesting and reflected many everyday problems real life serial killers must have. Stalking human prey in between changing diapers illustrated how fatherhood drains your energy but is also rewarding… unless the mother ends up dead in a pool of her own blood because you couldn’t kill John Lithgow quickly enough.

A+ Lundy dead. Awesome. Old men smooching young attractive women is gross. Plus as a Carradine he was doomed. Stay away from closets Keith.

A- Rita dead. She was getting more annoying each episode. Hot, yes. Funny, no. Eloquent, no. Replaceable, very. Good thing Dexter never officially adopted Cody and Astor or his “social” schedule will be fucked. Just kidding. Dexter will take care of them. Take care of them… for good. Just kidding. No seriously, they’re orphans which is sad.

B- Quinn started as a cheap replacement for Doakes that seemed stiff and uninteresting. After two seasons he’s fit in nicely as Debra’s at-work nemesis/partner/future fuck buddy. Honestly, it has to happen in season five.

F- Angel and LaGuerta hooking up. Blech.

A+ Angel and LaGuerta getting married. Nothing dooms a relationship like marriage. Hopefully it will culminate in the first episode next season.

A John Lithgow. An amazing actor with an amazing career took on an edgy role and played it extremely well. Not many could play a murder with so many different sides and personalities. Lithgow was a different person in every episode. He was creepy throughout and not nearly as annoying as Jimmy Smits. Give Lithgow a cookie. Or an Emmy for Best Supporting Actor. But that won’t happen because life is like a bathtub filled with blood and a corpse; it’s usually disapointing, messy and ruins the tile in the bathroom.