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Ranking Movie Trilogies: Indiana Jones May 29, 2008

Posted by Mitch Kayak in Indiana Jones, movie trilogies.
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There’s been a lot of talk about the Indiana Jones trilogy, with the release of the new one (which I have yet to see, although I hear there are Commie-fighting monkeys), but I think we need to spend some time dissecting which of the trilogy is the best. I really think there is only one ranking:

1) Raiders of the Lost Ark:
There is really no debate that the original is the greatest. The opening scene has been copied, duplicated, studied, for years. Between not seeing Indy’s face to the amazingly funny special effects on the death of Alfred Molina (playing a Spanish dude?), that scene will live for ages. Plus, the movie doesn’t slow down. There are Nazis, snakes, killer Jew ghosts, annoying French villain, and the guy from Sliders. How can you go wrong?

2) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade:
The addition of Sean Connery as Indy’s dad real kicks this up a notch. This movie seems a lot more playful than its predecessors, but still has the action of the earlier films. Again, this comes from a strong opening with a young coked up Indy dying in front of a Los Angeles club. Wait, no that is River Phoenix. Anyways, you get the idea. From there it just gets stronger, especially in all the semi-slapstick scenes between Indy and his dad. The increased use of Marcus Brody also helps up the comedy, seeing as I think he was vastly underused in the first film.

3) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom:

I’ll relive this movie for you:

Indy: “Sarcastic Remark”

Short Round: “Broken English quip”

Spielberg’s wife: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHINE MOAN BITCH”

Seriously, that is the whole movie. I have never actually gotten a headache from a character in a movie before. Kate Capshaw is a horrid horrid human being and actually destroys the film. If I was Indy I would have let them sacrifice her to the moon gods or whatever they were doing. There are only two redeeming things about this movie. First, Short Round. Sure he is a terrible stereotype straight from a Bugs Bunny cartoon, but come on you laughed. Second, the bad guy fucking rips a dude’s still beating heart out of his chest. That fucking rocks no matter how you cut it.

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God Bless America’s Wang May 21, 2008

Posted by Mike in Florida sucks.
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I took this picture over three years ago on a trip to Florida, and I’ve never had a decent place to put it until now. Why don’t we just let these people secede already?

Top Fives: Best Minor Characters in 80s/90s Action Movies May 20, 2008

Posted by Mike in top fives.
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We all love action movies from the past few decades, but some of the best lines and characters are around the edges – mostly there to give a couple of one liners and then die in some horrific fashion. The more times you watch these movies, the more you recognize and care about the guys who ultimately end up in a bloody pile or have been forgotten about at the end of the movie. So without further ado, our lists of the top five minor characters in 80s/90s action movies.

Mitch Kayak:

5) Benny (Total Recall)

Profession: Cab Driver
Rules Because: Have to love the fast talking mutant Martian cab driver who you know ultimately sells out Arnold and then of course gets impaled by Mr. Governor for his services. Plus, how can you fault a character who takes Arnie to his fateful meeting with the three boob chick?
Memorable Quote: “Baby, you make me wish I had three hands.”

4) Cooke (Commando)

Profession: Mercenary Bad Ass 
Rules Because: The dude who plays Cooke is one of those random actors that you recognize in every movie, and can never remember what you have seen him in.  Thankfully in Commando, he gets to steal some sweet one liners from Arnold and ultimately fights Arnie to the death in a hotel room. Arnold never told him he was going to kill him last, so he didn’t have to lie. (Yes, I know that picture is of him from Predator, so go fuck yourself – it’s the best I could find, and it’s basically the same movie anyway.)
Memorable Quote: “You know what I like best about this car? The price.”

3) Harry Ellis (Die Hard)


Profession
: Investment Banking Cokehead 
Rules Because: No 80s movie is complete without the yuppie cokehead douchebag, babe. He is like Dennis Miller without the overly complicated self satisfied jokes.  Too bad Hans saw through his schtick and shot him in the face while he was drinking a Coke.
Memorable Quote: “Hey babe, I negotiate million dollar deals for breakfast. I think I can handle this Eurotrash.”

2) Captain Koons (Pulp Fiction)

Profession: Being John McCain, but cooler and less insane
Rules Because: Listen, if you need someone to talk about carrying a watch up one’s ass, of course the first person you go to is Christopher Walken. Actually if I ever make a movie, I’m casting Walken as every character. 
Memorable Quote: “The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He’d be damned if any slopes gonna put their greasy yellow hands on his boy’s birthright, so he hid it, in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.”

1) Blain (Predator)

Profession: Most Awesome Person Ever Born…err..or some Army dude.
Rules Because: He might have the best lines in the movie and he carries a mini gun. If you don’t agree, then you are probably a slack jawed faggot.
Memorable Quote: “I ain’t got time to bleed.”

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MJP:

5) Harry Temple (Speed)

Profession: SWAT Explosives Expert
Rules Because: Here’s the thing. Speed came out at just about the same time as Dumb & Dumber, and in each movie, Jeff Daniels played a guy named “Harry”. Tell me that every time Daniels spoke in Speed, no matter how brave his character was, you didn’t see him as the dog-grooming idiot from D&D? When he realizes the house is rigged with explosives and he’s about to die (above), they really should have just let him wear the powder blue ruffled suit.
Memorable Quote: “You shot me, I can’t believe it. They’re giving you a medal for shooting me, you little prick!”

4) Iceman (Top Gun)

Profession: Fighter Pilot, Awesome 80s Aviator Sunglasses-Wearer
Rules Because: He thinks Tom Cruise is an insufferable douchebag, and I can get behind that. Also, he was the one who cut off Maverick, causing Maverick and Goose to fall into a dead spin, and indirectly leading to Goose’s death. Why does this rule? Because fuck Goose, that’s why. Plus, come on – the ridiculous “click my teeth in defiance at you” move.
Memorable Quote: While Maverick is explaining that during his manuever he was inverted, Iceman coughs, “bullshit!”

3) Miles Dyson (Terminator 2)

Profession: Inventor of Skynet
Rules Because: Ostensibly a “good guy”, he’s responsible for the deaths of about three billion people on Judgement Day, and then for good measure blows up a building full of cops on his way out. Truly, history’s greatest monster.
Memorable Quote: Ahh-heh… ahh-heh… ahh-heh… ahh-heh… ahh… heh… ahh….. heh… ah… *boom*

2) Marvin (Pulp Fiction)

Profession: Small-time Crook, Bullet Magnet
Rules Because: It’s really less about anything Marvin does, than what he sets up for other characters. Really, Marvin does two things in the entire movie: his only line of “it’s over there” sets up Jules for one of his best lines, “I DON’T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GOD-DAMN THING!”. Then, of course, he get his head blown off, which leads to Jimmy asking if his house has a sign that says “Dead Nigger Storage!” Marvin gets so much from so little.
Memorable Quote: Not by Marvin, but by Vincent Vega: “Oh man… I shot Marvin in the face.”
Bonus: Phil LaMarr, who played Marvin, is the voice of Hermes Conrad on Futurama. My manwich!

1) Theo (Die Hard)

Profession: Terrorist Computer Expert
Rules Because: Not only is he a terrorist, he’s a sarcastic asshole who seems to generally enjoy being a terrorist. He cracks jokes (see “The quarterback is toast!” after his cohorts bomb the police armored car) and there’s also an incredibly subtle moment that’s really easy to miss: after Hans repeatedly asked Mr. Takagi for the computer codes to no avail and ended up shooting him in the face, you can see Karl (the tall blonde terrorist) looking disappointed and slapping a $20 in Theo’s palm. They bet on whether Hans would shoot someone in the face! Now that‘s badass.
Memorable Quote: “Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring… except for the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation.”
Bonus: Do you like Die Hard? Do you like football? Well, why don’t you click here to see the stupidest yet greatest thing the Internet has ever vomited up. Make sure you have the audio on.

It’s 1991 All Over Again! May 19, 2008

Posted by Mike in remakes, the raping of our childhood.
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Bush is in the White House, we’re at war in Iraq, American Gladiators are on the air, the New York Giants just won the Super Bowl, and the Penguins are in the Stanley Cup finals! In honor, I’m breaking out my New Kids on the Block sleeping bag again, which gets you surprisingly different looks when you’re 26 as opposed to 10. On the CW, they’re doing their best to turn back the clock with a modern-day spinoff of Beverly Hills 90210. Looks like they’re covering all of their crappy early-90s bases in the adult casting here; they’ve already got Full House‘s hot Aunt Becky, Lori Loughlin (guess what: she’s 43 and still hot); Rob Estes, who was apparently on Melrose Place, and even former 90210-er Jennie Garth reprising her role as Kelly Taylor, who’s now a guidance counselor. All they need now is to nail down Alfonso Ribeiro, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and Mayim Bialik!  Anyway, Kelly really has all of the qualities you’d want in someone who’s helping to help raise our nation’s youth, including:

being date-raped, using diet pills, being tricked into joining a cult, being able to quit the cult, being caught in a fire, temporarily becoming addicted to cocaine,being shot, getting amnesia, being raped, shot the rapist, going to rehab, being stalked and almost killed by a patient from rehab, becoming unexpectantly pregnant and having a miscarriage, and learning that she might not be able to have children because of a condition in her body.

Actually, who am I kidding? That kind of backround qualifies as “tame” for high-school students today. Also, look at this cast shot:

90210

I know it’s not 1991 anymore, but you just can’t call a show 90210 and replace sideburns with prissy emo-fag haircuts. You just can’t. It’s just not right. Just you wait: less “Peach Pit”, more “Starbucks”.  On the other hand, Jessica Walter is involved, and as far as I’m concerned, anyone who’s been in PCU and Arrested Development can do whatever they goddamn like.

But here’s the thing: remaking shows from my childhood could be a great idea! Except we can do way better than Beverly Hills, 90210. Attention, Hollywood: get on these ideas immediately!

The Wonder Years: The original The Wonder Years aired in the late 80s/early 90s and focused on 20 years prior, in the late 60s/early 70s. Hell, if 90210 is going to be set in 2008 but remind us of the early 90s, let’s just bring back TWY and have it actually be set in 1991! Kevin Arnold can explore the scary world of Zubaz, Starter Jackets, Tecmo Super Bowl, and sexually-transmitted diseases.

Quantum Leap: Dr. Sam Beckett leaps through time setting wrong what once went right. Why? Because he’s a dick now. That’s right, the future sucks; deal with it. Just wait until he jumps into the body of JFK and decides to invade Cuba during the Missile Crisis! By the way, want to feel old? This futuristic series was set in 1999. Oh boy!

The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.: If you have to ask, you just don’t get it.

 

Do you see what happens, Larry? DO YOU SEE?!? May 19, 2008

Posted by Mike in Big Lebowski, movies I quote entirely too often.
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Also: best Halloween costume ever:

Finding a stranger