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An Open Letter to The Disgrunted Fan Waiting Behind Me to Get Into Shea Stadium August 25, 2008

Posted by Mitch Kayak in Uncategorized.
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So, I’ve decided to steal an idea from McSweeny’s (David Eggers’ literary magazine). Basically they have people submit letters to people or things that are unlikely to respond.  So without further ado my first crack at it:

 

Dear Disgruntled Fan,

                First I must offer you my sincerest apologies and at least explain my situation.  You see I was visiting a friend in Long Island this past week and made the unfortunate mistake of deciding to attend a Mets home game on my way back into the city without going 45 minutes out of my way first to drop of my bag.  This led me to be standing in front of you in this particular situation.

                As the obviously apathetic security guard began to search my duffel bag, I believe you had a very witty and spot on comment that I had “brought my fucking luggage”.  This sort of humor was seemingly over my head, as I did not respond.  So you followed this ingenious observational note up with letting your friend who had already passed through the line know that you would be there “eventually”.

 How inconsiderate of me to not poll all the people waiting on line to see who absolutely needed to be in their seats at least 45 minutes before first pitch. I’m sure your lengthy and important pre game ritual was cut short by the 30 seconds extra it took our young friend in the yellow shirt to search my duffel bag.

In closing, I hope in the future if we ever cross paths again we can have a lengthy discourse about the proper procedure at such sporting events.  Perhaps you can even give me tips on grooming, as I don’t believe I have ever seen a woman with such lovely back hair.

 

Sincerely,

 

Mitch Kayak

 

P.S. Go Fuck Yourself

P.P.S. The Mets Bullpen is awful, and it is your fault.

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The Dangers of Special Editions August 21, 2008

Posted by Mike in Big Lebowski, cancer jokes, movies I quote entirely too often, special editions.
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You probably haven’t figured this out yet from the name of the blog or the banner image, but we sort of like The Big Lebowski around here a little. If you haven’t seen it, or worse, aren’t a believer, stop reading this right now. Go outside and run facefirst into a lightpost for 15 minutes. Then head to the nearest video store and rent the movie.

Or better yet, buy the 10th anniversary edition DVD that’s coming out. As you can see below, it comes in a really clever package of… a bowling ball.

This got me thinking; what other movies, were they to put out special edition DVDs, could go with unique packaging like this? There’s one that sprang to mind immediately for me – but we’ll save that until last.

* Pulp Fiction
Comes contained in your very own red ball gag! Except that in order for the DVD to fit in it, it’d have to be a pretty goddamn large ball gag. Perfect for you fatties out there. That’s right, I’m talking to you. Fatty.

* Thank You for Smoking
Comes tastefully packaged in an enormous cancerous mass. We all know Nick Nailor was ending up with the big “C”. I just haven’t figured out if it came from his massive smoking habit, or if Xenu willed it upon him because he slept with Katie Holmes. But that’s besides the point: your DVD will come encompassed in cancer. Just like your black, black lungs.

* Apocolypse Now
Arrives in a special edition Vietnam-era U.S. Army hand grenade. Just pull the pin to get to the DVD. Hey, what’s that ticking sound?

* Star Wars
This one seems obvious – it comes in the Death Star! Less obvious? When the Death Star becomes fully operational and vaporizes your other DVDs, all for the glorification of that douchebag George Lucas. Fuck you, George Lucas.

And finally…

* Seven
Just like in the Lebowski example above… except that instead of coming in a bowling ball, it’d come in a replica of Gwyneth Paltrow’s head. She’d look like all the Canadian characters on South Park. I like to think that there’d be one extra special edition, in which it would really be Gwyneth’s head. “What’s in the box? What’s in the box!? Oh, it’s a special edition DVD with outtakes and director’s commentary. In your girlfriend’s head.”

An Album For Every Year August 13, 2008

Posted by Mitch Kayak in Uncategorized.
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Remember when they didn't suck?

Remember when they didn't suck?

So as I was smurfing the world wide weird (thanks FJM), I found this fun little activity that will give you something to talk about with your friends in between shots of whiskey and vomiting on the bar. Basically, you pick an album for every year you have been alive.  Sounds easy right? Well it isn’t.  First, who remembers what year albums come out?  I’m sure if you are out there alphabetizing your collection by mood, then maybe you might.  Meanwhile the rest of us are outside enjoying life.  Second, the early 80s are sort of a wasteland for me.  I was a toddler and listened to whatever my parents listened to.  So soft rock.  I had to improvise and pick albums that I might not have heard every song off of but that I think I would like.  So without further ado, here is my sure to be mocked list:
Year Album Artist
1980 More Specials The Specials
1981 Talk Talk Talk Psychedelic Furs
1982 Thriller Michael Jackson
1983 The Hurting Tears for Fears
1984 Born in the USA Bruce Springsteen
1985 Greatest Hits The Cars
1986 Graceland  Paul Simon
1987 Appetite for Destruction Guns and Roses
1988 Sufer Rosa The Pixies
1989 Devil’s Night Out Mighty Mighty Bosstones
1990 Shake Your Money Maker The Black Crowes
1991 Blood Sugar Sex Magik Red Hot Chili Peppers
1992 Rage Against the Machine Rage Against the Machine
1993 In Utero Nirvana
1994 The Blue Album Weezer
1995 The Bends Radiohead
1996 Sublime Sublime
1997 Whatever and Ever Amen Ben Folds Five
1998 Aeroplane Over the Sea Neutral Milk Hotel
1999 Midnite Vultures  Beck
2000 Mass Romantic The New Pornographers
2001 Wasted Days The Slackers
2002 Yankee Hotel Foxtrot Wilco
2003 Give Up The Postal Service
2004 Funeral  Arcade Fire
2005 Apologies to the Queen Mary  Wolf Parade
2006 Boys and Girls in America The Hold Steady
2007 Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer? Of Montreal
2008 Consolers of the Lonely The Raconteurs

 

Think I listen to too much indie rock nowadays? Yeah I probably do. Maybe I should quit my job, move to Fort Greene, stop showering, and complain about how Of Montreal was used in an Outback commercial. Then have someone shoot me in the face.

Something’s not quite right with the Dark Knight August 5, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in Batman.
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Robin has never looked so masculine.

Robin has never looked so masculine.

First, this is not a review. The movie was great. Just assume that I loved everything about TDK that you loved…because I did. Except…

1. Attack of the Pig-Faced woman.
The problem wasn’t her performance as the lame, plain, boring assistant district attorney. It wasn’t because she isn’t as good looking as Katie Holmes, who isn’t good looking. It was because Batman’s love story should be a side note which is a recurring problem in the batman films. But instead there was all this talk about Rachel, and Rachel’s dating Two Face, and ‘They’re trying to kill you!’ and ‘Who killed Rachel?’ and Why did Rachel have to die!’ Who cares about Rachel? No one. Because she’s not a comic book character. All her screen time, save 5 minutes, should have been Heath Ledger time or even Two-Face time, or even Miley Cyrus time…mmmmmjailbait

2. Thank You for Burning Half Your Face Off.
Another let down was Aaron Eckhart having to be Harvey Dent for all but 30 minutes. Eckhart’s ‘Man without a Face’ impersonation blew away Tommy Lee Jones’ previous rendition and the special effects was a gay-necrophiliacs wet dream. But Nolan only gave us thirty minutes of shooting cops, drinking whiskey, and kidnapping families. The second best film rendition of a Batman villain, behind Ledger’s Joker and just ahead of DeVito’s Penguin, was criminally short on screen time. Side note: Lando Calrissian was a better Harvey Dent.

3. Brokeback Villain
Not enough Joker. I hope they put the corpse of Heath Ledger in the third installment. They could even cut his face up for real this time. I’m sure he’s still got enough percocet in his system to not feel a thing!

You heard me.

4. Bale-ly Acting.
Did Christian Bale show up to the set? Was he distracted by how much he hates his family’s pleas for financial handouts? Did he ruin the Batman voice as a practical joke? Was he too nauseous from looking at Pig Face to concentrate? The only thing for sure is that Adam West’s Batman was less cheesy. Also..Christian..fix your teeth. Batman is a billionaire, not a Pomeranian.

So I guess my only complaint is that it could’ve been the perfect comic book movie, but it wasn’t.