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Something’s not quite right with the Dark Knight August 5, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in Batman.
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Robin has never looked so masculine.

Robin has never looked so masculine.

First, this is not a review. The movie was great. Just assume that I loved everything about TDK that you loved…because I did. Except…

1. Attack of the Pig-Faced woman.
The problem wasn’t her performance as the lame, plain, boring assistant district attorney. It wasn’t because she isn’t as good looking as Katie Holmes, who isn’t good looking. It was because Batman’s love story should be a side note which is a recurring problem in the batman films. But instead there was all this talk about Rachel, and Rachel’s dating Two Face, and ‘They’re trying to kill you!’ and ‘Who killed Rachel?’ and Why did Rachel have to die!’ Who cares about Rachel? No one. Because she’s not a comic book character. All her screen time, save 5 minutes, should have been Heath Ledger time or even Two-Face time, or even Miley Cyrus time…mmmmmjailbait

2. Thank You for Burning Half Your Face Off.
Another let down was Aaron Eckhart having to be Harvey Dent for all but 30 minutes. Eckhart’s ‘Man without a Face’ impersonation blew away Tommy Lee Jones’ previous rendition and the special effects was a gay-necrophiliacs wet dream. But Nolan only gave us thirty minutes of shooting cops, drinking whiskey, and kidnapping families. The second best film rendition of a Batman villain, behind Ledger’s Joker and just ahead of DeVito’s Penguin, was criminally short on screen time. Side note: Lando Calrissian was a better Harvey Dent.

3. Brokeback Villain
Not enough Joker. I hope they put the corpse of Heath Ledger in the third installment. They could even cut his face up for real this time. I’m sure he’s still got enough percocet in his system to not feel a thing!

You heard me.

4. Bale-ly Acting.
Did Christian Bale show up to the set? Was he distracted by how much he hates his family’s pleas for financial handouts? Did he ruin the Batman voice as a practical joke? Was he too nauseous from looking at Pig Face to concentrate? The only thing for sure is that Adam West’s Batman was less cheesy. Also..Christian..fix your teeth. Batman is a billionaire, not a Pomeranian.

So I guess my only complaint is that it could’ve been the perfect comic book movie, but it wasn’t.

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Comments»

1. MitchKayak - August 13, 2008

Agreed on all points. Although I think I am the only man alive who finds Maggie G attractive. Go see Secretary and you will change your mind. Or you will James Spader will freak you the fuck out.


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