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An Open Letter to The Disgrunted Fan Waiting Behind Me to Get Into Shea Stadium August 25, 2008

Posted by Mitch Kayak in Uncategorized.
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So, I’ve decided to steal an idea from McSweeny’s (David Eggers’ literary magazine). Basically they have people submit letters to people or things that are unlikely to respond.  So without further ado my first crack at it:

 

Dear Disgruntled Fan,

                First I must offer you my sincerest apologies and at least explain my situation.  You see I was visiting a friend in Long Island this past week and made the unfortunate mistake of deciding to attend a Mets home game on my way back into the city without going 45 minutes out of my way first to drop of my bag.  This led me to be standing in front of you in this particular situation.

                As the obviously apathetic security guard began to search my duffel bag, I believe you had a very witty and spot on comment that I had “brought my fucking luggage”.  This sort of humor was seemingly over my head, as I did not respond.  So you followed this ingenious observational note up with letting your friend who had already passed through the line know that you would be there “eventually”.

 How inconsiderate of me to not poll all the people waiting on line to see who absolutely needed to be in their seats at least 45 minutes before first pitch. I’m sure your lengthy and important pre game ritual was cut short by the 30 seconds extra it took our young friend in the yellow shirt to search my duffel bag.

In closing, I hope in the future if we ever cross paths again we can have a lengthy discourse about the proper procedure at such sporting events.  Perhaps you can even give me tips on grooming, as I don’t believe I have ever seen a woman with such lovely back hair.

 

Sincerely,

 

Mitch Kayak

 

P.S. Go Fuck Yourself

P.P.S. The Mets Bullpen is awful, and it is your fault.

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