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Just In Case You Didn’t Hate Sarah Palin Yet… September 30, 2008

Posted by Mike in god damn it, pick a team already.
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July 16, 2007:

She adopted the Pittsburgh Steelers because of the team’s success in the 1970s and because there are no major professional teams in her state.

Sept. 12, 2008:

We might finally get to the bottom of the Super Bowl XL conspiracy if John McCain wins the presidency. VP candidate Sarah Palin is a Seahawks fan.

And not just a casual Seahawks fan, folks – Palin’s a member of the Seahawkers, the team’s official fan club.

Sept. 29, 2008:


I hate Dane Cook September 23, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in I hate Dane Cook.
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Dane Cook sucks at life. And is worried being kicked out of his apartment will ‘[interfere] with [his] connection to [his] creative muse,’

You were never creative anyway, and everyone knows it.

Danecook.com Note: Super Mario Brothers 2 was the worst of the series and the super finger is as cool as getting a roman helmet from your grandfather.

the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor of D.V.D.s September 21, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in D.V.D. reviews..., movie reviews.
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Utah!!! TWO!!!

I caught my first tube today...sir.

Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.

Street Kings – Keanu Reeves plays Keanu Reeves, only drunker.

A fuck ’em, bag ’em, and tag ’em…then ask questions cop drama, ‘Street Kings’ centres around a transparent conspiracy that envelopes the corrupt policemen that weave the conspiracy itself. Keanu plays the dumbest, yet most talented corrupt cop ever and he kills everyone in his path all while pounding nips of vodka….classy!  <Jump!> (more…)

1 Minute Movie Review – Tropic Thunder September 19, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
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To put real fear into the cast Stiller had Rosie O'Donnel ride onto the set...naked, spread eagle, on a water buffalo...eating ice cream.

To get a realistic reaction from the cast, Stiller had Rosie O'Donnel come onto the set...literally.

If you think racism, retards, and Jack Black on drugs is funny, then you and I share 3 things in common. If you like Ben Stiller continually acting like Derrick Zoolander, then I hate you.

Verdict – Ben Stiller does a much better job directing then acting.

Last second note: I hate Tom Cruise, but that motherfucker can act.

One Minute Movie Review – Hamlet Deuce September 17, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
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Worse than Vampiric Winehouse torture...but not waterboarding.

Worse than Vampiric Winehouse torture...but not waterboarding.

Hamlet 2 – I’d rather be locked in a drunk tank with a detoxing Amy Winehouse while she tears me to pieces and tries to snort my blood  than watch the entirety of this movie.

Verdict: If you’re bored enough to see this in theaters, walk out…like I did.

You taste like sig-a-retts.

You taste like sig-a-retts.

Ranking the Coen Brothers’ Movies September 12, 2008

Posted by Mitch Kayak in movie rankings.
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With Burn After Reading coming out today, I figure I would do an arbitrary ranking of their movies seeing as I have amazingly seen all of them.

So without any guidelines, here is my ranking:

1.) Big Lebowski– please, like there would be anything else at number one here? Added bonus, the first time I saw this, I was with my mom.  Her review, “It was good, but why all the swearing?”.

2.) Miller’s Crossing– excellent film noir

3.) Blood Simple – their first movie, and one of the most brilliant. Such a simple story that spirals out of control.

4.) No Country for Old Men – A lot of people think this is their best one. I enjoyed it but I like it more when they use their own characters to comment on the inherent evil of men.

5.) Barton Fink– Probably the best movie about writer’s block you can find. Plus: John Goodman as the devil!

6.) O Brother, Where Art Thou? – The main song got stuck in my head after I watched this movie at least 4 times on a transatlantic flight. Not sure if that is good or bad.

7.) Fargo– I agree, Steve Buscemi should die in a wood chipper. This one is so far down on the list mostly because of that awkward fucking scene with Frances McDormand and that Asian dude she went to high school with. What. The. Fuck?

8.) The Hudsucker Proxy– You know, for the kids.

9.) Raising Arizona – The only reason I pushed this all the way down here is because I saw this movie right before I moved to Arizona and it made me not want to go. Seriously.

10.) The Man Who Wasn’t There – To tell the truth, I don’t really remember this one that well. I should go back and watch, because I did enjoy it from what I recall. Also the ending is amazingly odd.

11.) Intolerable Cruelty – People think this movie is awful, but I disagree. I can appreciate what they were going for here. It was pretty much their take on a screwball 40s comedy.  It doesn’t always work, but when it it does it is comedy gold.

12.) The Ladykillers– The only movie of theirs that I just don’t like. Another remake that didn’t need to be made. Just go rent the original. Unless you want to see JK Simmons shit himself.

Feel free to disagree in the comments, I’m pretty sure you are wrong.

Movie Review: Zack and Miri Make a Porno September 9, 2008

Posted by Mitch Kayak in movie reviews.
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Last night me and my esteemed colleague Mike Scioscia’s tragic illness were able to attend a screening of Zack and Miri Make a Porno here in NYC. Going into this movie, I really had no expectations.  I mean as a young man of course I enjoyed Kevin Smith movies, but lately he hasn’t really released anything that I wanted to see.  Thankfully, after seeing the preview for this movie recently he has come back to topics I enjoy: Pornography and Sci Fi.  Also, he cast one of my favorite actors who steals scenes no matter what movie he is in: Craig Robinson.  You might not recognize the name, but probably know him as Darryl from The Office or the bouncer from Knocked Up.  Seriously, this guy could say anything and I laugh my ass off.

So with those thoughts in, let me just say that after viewing it I got pretty much what I wanted.  It is pretty hilarious and amazingly raunchy. I seriously have no idea how Kevin Smith got the MPAA to reduce the rating to an R without making any further cuts.  There is one scene in here that I had heard about going in but in no way was I prepared for it.  Just think 2 girls 1 cup without willing participants.

With all that said, the ending falls prey to Kevin Smith disease, where he feels the need to tack on a heartwarming ending that is just a little too neat. There were a couple lines towards the end were I had to stifle a laugh at how cheesy they were. To quote someone coming out of the movie, “can’t it just be about people making a porno?” Amen good sir, amen.  In today’s turbulent times we must, nay it is our duty, to learn about those valiant people churning out well meaning porn.

This is not to say I didn’t enjoy it.  Seth Rogen is his usual affable self, Elizabeth Banks gets in some good lines,  and porn star Katie Morgan and ex-porn star Traci Lords manage to not make me notice that they can’t act.  I’m also glad to see Jason Mewes and the dude who played Randall in Clerks and Clerks 2 are still getting work from Kevin Smith. And then there is the always reliable Craig Robinson who has some of the funniest lines in the whole thing.   To tell the truth the real scene stealer is Justin Long as a gay porn star.  Seriously, if for no other reason you have to go see the movie for his appearance at the beginning and the short before the credits. Anyone who can compare Brandon Routh’s asshole to an orchid deserves some sort of shout out.

Final Grade: B

Final comment: Hilariously demented, but sadly falls prey to Kevin Smith disease.

Added link:

Red band trailer:

I Love This Man September 4, 2008

Posted by Mike in But the Bengals still suck.

And now Yahoo! Sports is finally on board:

The Greatest Thing the Internet Ever Offered Anyone September 4, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in Big Lebowski.
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Good Actors, Bad Movies – Anna Faris is Funnier than You September 2, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in Good Actors Bad Movies.
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‘Just Friends’ (2005) is a Christmas story of Chris Brander (Ryan Reynolds) and his unrequited love for his high school BFF, Jamie Palimino (Amy Smart). It’s another mediocre Romantic Comedy/Family Christmas flick that could be overlooked if it wasn’t for its funniest character; Samantha James, played by Anna Faris.  Ms. Samantha James is a vapid, psychotic, obsessive, and talentless pop singer, kinda like Britney Spears, only without the whole Down-Syndrome look. Samantha’s career booms after her deliciously tasteful poster (pictured below) becomes the best selling poster in all of capitalism. Faris’ performance is just an impression of the America’s worst mom, but it is one of the best female comedic performances since Madeline Kahn in ‘Blazing Saddles,’ a 34 year gap.

This sundae is missing just one topping...

This sundae is missing just one topping...

Fact; women don’t get prominent, funny parts in Hollywood anymore. Try and think of one. Think of all the funny movies that have come out in the past decade. All of them star dudes like Will Ferrel, Steve Carrel, Ben Stiller, the fat kid from ‘Superbad’ or Jack Black (wait…Jack Black isn’t funny.) Ellen Page in ‘Juno’ is a borderline exception to the rule. She performed well enough but it was all deadpanned lines that relied on smart ‘n sassy dialogue. Amy Poehler did, kinda, break the mold in ‘Mr. Woodcock’ as Stifler’s alcoholic, bitchfest-agent, but she only has 15 minutes of screen time. This leaves Faris as the only woman acting in Hollywood getting roles that lets her flex her funny muscles [Ed. note: Heh, heh…funny muscle] in a true leading role.