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Devilishly Vindictive Detractor of D.V.D.s – Halloween Edition October 31, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in D.V.D. reviews..., movie reviews.
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Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
Since the your theater options this weekend are limited to Saw V and the Haunting of Molly Hartley, which apparently is worse than a Milky Way/razor blade medley you may want to consider a plastic alternative…so the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worthy of being burned onto disc, and which are expensive coasters.

Sunshine (Fox Searchlight) – Cillian Murphy as physicist IN space.

Didn’t you wish Danny Boyle (Trainspotting and 28 Days Later) had also directed “Apollo 13”? Your wish is Danny Boyle’s command. So he made ‘Sunshine’ last year

Some say Cillian under-reacted to the news of Heath Ledger's pharmaceutical experiment.

Some say Cillian under-reacted to the news of Heath Ledger's pharmaceutical experiment.

and hit plastic in January ’08. ‘Sunshine’ is a cross between ‘Event
Horizon’ and ‘Apollo 13’ with a twist of fucked in the head. While not
being a traditional horror or thriller its generally creepy. The
plausibility of the story isn’t its strongest feature and some of the
scenes logistical snafus could be pointed out by my semi-retarded 5
year old nephew, who just learned to doody in the pot pot. We’re so
proud. But the experimental visuals froth an earie atmosphere out of
your screen and into your retinas. Throw in a solid Cillian Murphy
performance, stir in a 2001: A Space Odyssey and bring to a boil!
Thankfully someone has done something similiar to a horror flick that
didn’t involve Japanese VHS tapes, zombies or Naomie Watts.

Verdict: Watchable.

Give your money to: Blockbuster, West Coast Video, Netflix. Available on DVD and Blu Ray. iTunes has featurettes but not the feature. Steve Jobs is stupid in a genius way.

Devilishly Vindictive Detractor extras:

iTunes has all the featurettes your eyes can handle.

Quick recommendation…

The Cottage

available on iTunes.

Its from England. Its mostly a comedy, but its also a gore/horror. True to the horror style of cheesy, bad acting, not great direction…but the ending is the payoff and makes it worth while…which is rare these days.

Verdict: Watchable only if you watch the whole thing. I know…that doesn’t make sense, and it won’t until you watch the whole thing.

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Downright Vindictive Detractor of D.V.D.s – The Incredible Hulk October 27, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in D.V.D. reviews..., movie reviews.
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Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.
I ATE TOO MANY BEEEEEEAAAAANS!
I ATE TOO MANY BEEEEEEAAAAANS!

The Incredible Hulk (Universal) – Ed Norton as the angry and unpredictable Jose Canceco. JOSE SMASH FRIENDS’ CAREERS!

As a kid I was a big fan of the television version of the Incredible Hulk. Of course I also was a big fan of Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire and Jose Canceco. The point is sometimes things are best left in the past. But Ed Norton wouldn’t leave a mediocre thing alone and teamed up with the incomparably mediocre Liv Tyler and churned out this anti-steriod, anti-military, anti-originality piece of celluloid. (more…)

1 Minute Movie Review – W. October 22, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
1 comment so far
Don't blame me...I voted fer Kodos. Heh.

Don't blame me, I voted fer Kodos.

Many people will say Oliver Stone hasn’t made a great movie since 1991’s JFK. Not me, I like to stay awake while watching movies. Others say Oliver hasn’t made a great movie ever. But no one is calling “W.” great, because it’s beautifully mediocre. It’s so ‘middle of the road’ it’s brilliant. What? Exactly. This movie is what you want it to be. If you hate the movie’s possibly mentally challenged subject then this flick will be a lampooning satire. If you think Georgey W. Bushy Buns has gotten a bad wrap then this movie will seem like a fair, understanding biopic. Either way…Stone finally delivers a film that says, ‘You can’t blame a dumbass for being stupid.’

Touche Stone, touche.

Verdict – Much like Magic Eye it all depends on the viewer.

P.S. – It’s a sailboat.

1 Minute Movie Review – Body of Lies October 14, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
2 comments
That's the LAST time I go out drinking with Russel Crowe! 

Leo learned his lesson about drinking with Russell Crowe the hard way... by using his face.

If you had no idea what the fuck was going on while

watching “Syriana” but liked it cause you could tell

you were suppose to…then “Body of Lies” is going to be more your speed…dumbass. Critics panned this movie probably just because its not Stephen Gaghan’s ultra-snotty confusing political thriller/snoozer. But then again, critics suck balls. I, however, draw the line at balls. Leo speaks Arabic and pulls it off without having to eat falafel or ride a camel. Crowe does nothing but eat and talk into a wire the whole time, yet he does it so impressively. If you’re IQ is over 100 I trust you to see this movie instead of “Eagle Eye” or “Beverly Hills Chihuahua”. If not, go buy a helmet… its gonna be a rough life.

Verdict – Watchable

the Downright Vindictive Detractor of D.V.D.s Busts a Giant Review Nut All Over Your Movie Loving Face…eww. October 13, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in D.V.D. reviews..., movie reviews.
2 comments
Did you haff to nail Albino Lepreccccchaun on Entourage

Did you haf to nail albino leprechaun in Entourage, or you bang turtle man?

Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.

Don’t Mess with Zohan – Adam Sandler destroys comedy. Babaganoosh! As a Jew!

Oh the hilarity! Jews love to eat hummus with everything, including coffee! And Middle Easterners run sketchy electronic stores! Adam can’t stop humping things! Arabs drive all the cabs in New York! Downright comedic brilliance! “Zohan” is Sandler’s funniest film since “Happy Gilmore”. Now there’s a joke. A joke in the same vain as the Sandler, Robert Smigel, and Judd Apatow penned “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan”, boring and unfunny. All sarcasm aside, it’s as funny as the Sandler/ Cheadle buddy flick “Reign Over Me”. If you haven’t seen that laugh-fest, Sandler plays a dentist who’s wife and three young daughters took a flight from Boston’s Logan Airport to L.A.X. that made a pit stop in New York’s skyline. My point being that “Zohan” isn’t funny at all.

(more…)

1 Minutes Movie Review – Eagle Eye October 9, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
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I bet I look even better while Drinking and Driving.

I bet I look even better while Drinking and Driving.

Shia LaBeouf (Pronounced LaBuff) as the star of Eagle Eye plays a panicked, confused and unlikely savior of the day, another stretch for a versatile Hollywood phenom. Eagle Eye’s plot line is so preposterous that it makes Die Hard 4 look like something that could happen to you on the way to work, or while standing at a water cooler. The film’s plot twist (oooh a plot twist! How innovative!) is so ridiculously unimaginable it rivals many satirical South Park episodes in its lack of real life applicability.

Verdict – The action sequences, the four funny lines, and LaBoof’s half beard will have conspiracy movie fans creaming their jeans till a quarter pound of butter falls out their pant leg.

TV Shows That Are Dead To Me: Heroes October 7, 2008

Posted by Mitch Kayak in Uncategorized.
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Fuck you Heroes.

Listen, I was able to explain away last season as a sophomore slump. Most people called me stupid.  How could I disagree? Not only did you stick Peter with some terrible ugly actress with a bad Irish accent but you gave him amnesia! Fucking amnesia!  That is the cheapest soap opera ploy ever.  Why not give him an evil twin or a retard child?  Then you went on to introduce the most useless characters ever: The Latin Wonder Twins.  What could they do? Kill people and then feel emo about it?  Fucking gay.  You even stuck your best character (Sylar) with them for the ENTIRE season.  JESUS CHRIST.  Not to mention you totally blew your load on the whole “eviler than Sylar character”.  So yes, when people said I was an idiot for apologizing for you at the end of last season, they were right.  However, I just couldn’t buy that the first season was a fluke. Here was an awesome live action comic book that was actually interesting. (more…)

the Disgraceful, Vindictive, Detractor of D.V.D.s October 5, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in D.V.D. reviews..., movie reviews.
3 comments
Class, this is called Career Suicide

Class, this is called Career Suicide

Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Disgraceful, Vindictive, Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.

The Happening – M. Knight’s allegory of the world’s reaction to “Lady in the Water.”

If you pay money to see this movie, kill yourself. If you like this movie, kill yourself for the good of mankind because you’re probably holding all of us back a little bit by making M. Night ten dollars deeper in pocket. The reason for such a strong reaction is the movie starts out with a decent premise of massive amounts of unexplained, unceremonious suicide across the U.S of A. but then it suffers from lots of boring, unevenly paced scenes, and being moronically pretentious, commonly known as “M. Night Syndrome.” In the end, the most glaring shortcoming is the film’s dialogue. The character’s speech comes across as dialogue. Instead of natural conversation captured as lines in a story, almost every sentence wears its purpose on its sleeve much like a P.S.A. (more…)

1 Minute Movie Review – The Duchess October 3, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
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Eechhh...this bitch smells like Plague.

Eechhh...this bitch smells like Plague.

Keira Knightley plays a charming, cute, not-loved enough Brit wearing a corset, a huge change of pace for her. The Duchess is well shot, well acted, especially by Ray Fiennes who gives men a new standard in husbandry, but it’s mind numbingly boring…and it could not be saved by all the heaving bosom’s in the King’s court.

Vedict – Most exciting Keira Knightely movie since Atonement! Exxxxxxxxreme Royalty!!!!!