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the Disgraceful, Vindictive, Detractor of D.V.D.s October 5, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in D.V.D. reviews..., movie reviews.
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Class, this is called Career Suicide

Class, this is called Career Suicide

Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Disgraceful, Vindictive, Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.

The Happening – M. Knight’s allegory of the world’s reaction to “Lady in the Water.”

If you pay money to see this movie, kill yourself. If you like this movie, kill yourself for the good of mankind because you’re probably holding all of us back a little bit by making M. Night ten dollars deeper in pocket. The reason for such a strong reaction is the movie starts out with a decent premise of massive amounts of unexplained, unceremonious suicide across the U.S of A. but then it suffers from lots of boring, unevenly paced scenes, and being moronically pretentious, commonly known as “M. Night Syndrome.” In the end, the most glaring shortcoming is the film’s dialogue. The character’s speech comes across as dialogue. Instead of natural conversation captured as lines in a story, almost every sentence wears its purpose on its sleeve much like a P.S.A.

Things better than M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Happening”: rape, death, death by raping, ‘Lady in the Water’, M. Night Shamalamalakum’s stupid fucking fake middle name, syphilis induced dementia, genital warts exploding on your face, blogging, The Funky Bunch, ethnic genocide, Kim Jong Ill’s domestic policies, Hitler’s foreign policies, George W. Bush’s economic policies, and the Pittsburgh Pirates [Ed. congrats to the Bucs on tying the Philadelphia Phillies most consecutive losing seasons streak.]

Seriously though, killing yourself would be a better time than watching this piece of garbage. If you read this review and then go and watch this movie I hope you redeem yourself by strapping a bomb to your chest, going to M. Night McShamalama-lame-a-damalama’s house and Jihaad that son of a doctor.

M. Night is the worst thing to happen to movies. He’s the worst thing to happen to entertainment. I think I may kill myself to avoid ever seeing anything he does, says, or produces in the future. Of course, considering the fact that God allows his existence and the continuation of his career I’m sure that Satan will retain my soul for eternal forced viewings of this movie and “Lady in the Water” back to back. I’d rather be raped eternally. I’d rather be a genital wart. I’d rather be Whoopi Goldberg’s dildo.

Echh, actually…I change my mind, I wouldn’t like to be Whoopi’s pleasure device. I apologize for that statement.

Verdict: Unwatchable.

Disgraceful, Vindictive, Detractor extras:

This explains a lot. Note: if you watch anything on Youtube this month…make it this.

Reviews so horrendously vicious that they’re entertaining.

You may notice that he sounds like a broken record…or a scratched CD...literally.

Real life poisonous plants and M. Night’s fictional killer plants completely unrelated, officially proving that M. Night is some kind of retarded. Also, what are the odds M. Night was cool in high school? The answer…none.

I may hate M. Night more than Dane Cook.

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Comments»

1. Mike Scioscia's tragic illness - October 6, 2008

M. Night worse than Dane Cook? That’s a pretty damning statement.

2. Senor Funky Freshtastico - October 7, 2008

Lady in the Water was a pretty damning statement.
The Happening was a damning, damning statement.

3. MitchKayak - October 7, 2008

Another reason to hate this movie: might be shilling for intelligent design:

http://io9.com/5016361/the-happening-is-the-biggest-intelligent-design-movie-of-the-year


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