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the Downright Vindictive Detractor of D.V.D.s Busts a Giant Review Nut All Over Your Movie Loving Face…eww. October 13, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in D.V.D. reviews..., movie reviews.
Did you haff to nail Albino Lepreccccchaun on Entourage

Did you haf to nail albino leprechaun in Entourage, or you bang turtle man?

Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.

Don’t Mess with Zohan – Adam Sandler destroys comedy. Babaganoosh! As a Jew!

Oh the hilarity! Jews love to eat hummus with everything, including coffee! And Middle Easterners run sketchy electronic stores! Adam can’t stop humping things! Arabs drive all the cabs in New York! Downright comedic brilliance! “Zohan” is Sandler’s funniest film since “Happy Gilmore”. Now there’s a joke. A joke in the same vain as the Sandler, Robert Smigel, and Judd Apatow penned “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan”, boring and unfunny. All sarcasm aside, it’s as funny as the Sandler/ Cheadle buddy flick “Reign Over Me”. If you haven’t seen that laugh-fest, Sandler plays a dentist who’s wife and three young daughters took a flight from Boston’s Logan Airport to L.A.X. that made a pit stop in New York’s skyline. My point being that “Zohan” isn’t funny at all.

Apparently this flick is slightly more entertaining if you know the Yiddish terms for schlong, butt, sexy-time, and “I hate Arabs.” But once you learn them from watching the first five minutes they’re still not funny the thousand times they’re used in the subsequent 85 minutes. Also not entertaining, the cartoon physical humor. There are five funny jokes in this movie, though all of them at Palestine’s expense which is the wiffleball of comedy, so I remain unimpressed.

What’s more disappointing than the ‘guy escapes life, lies to everyone including the girl he eventually falls in love with but can’t be with cause she’s not Jewish’ plot line is that not one of the three screenwriters could make neither Rob Schneider’s nor Nick Swardson’s (Grandma’s Boy, Reno 911!: Miami) role funny. Schneider as ‘insert ethnicity here’ is always funny. Whether he’s a redneck, Asian, Hawaiian (which apparently doesn’t qualify as American anymore), a lady, or half animal, or whatever the fuck he is in “Big Daddy” that idiot is always funny in a Happy Gilmore production. I blame Judd Apatow. Go back to making epically long comedies with homosexual overtones. Or not. Either would be fine with me.

Verdict: Unwatchable

Downright Vindictive Detractor extras:

This has a bigger payoff than “Zohan”

Need a boost of self-esteem? This woman makes Billy Madison seem like Stephan Hawking.

Paranoid Park – Gus Vant Sant makes an indie flick. Typical.

Slam! UpDudup! UpDudup! Let the boys be boys!

Slam! UpDudup! UpDudup! Let the boys be boys!

The Downright Vindictive Detractor finally gets to review a good film! Van Sant blends beautifully filmed skateboarding sequences, teenage angst and a Pulp Fiction timeline that makes for a soft and touching story… but not in a gay way. The film is about a skate kid who is involved, and by involved I mean he did it, in a police investigation about a train yard security guard (Rhyming is fun) who was de-bodied by a train.

People deterred by the overused chopped and screwed timeline should over come their fears and see a film that uses it properly. The story is told as the character remembers it. Finally, a real reason to mix up a timeline. Others may not like the disjointed sound track and music, but again, Van Sant does it for a reason as it correlates to the teenage boy’s fractured state of mind.

It’s not often that we are exposed to a film that doesn’t rely on flying robots, monsters smashing things, or Heath Ledger in face paint, or giant boobs but instead actually tells a story. It uses images, slow motion and sound to translate what the main character goes through, not special effects and tons of dialogue. How often do you get to see the language of cinema? Go out… rent this fucking movie. Expand your mind without drugs. Or do both at the same time. Mmmmmm, drugs.

Verdict: Watchable. Also, this movie helped me get laid… so you know it’s good.

Downright Vindictive Detractor extras:

Burnside Park playing the role of Paranoid Park

Some ass clown provides footage of the movie’s skateboarding tryouts.

Be Kind Rewind -Mos Def plays mumbling idiot. Jack Black plays Jack Black playing everybody else.

Things get weird when customers ask for Nacho Libre.

Things get weird when customers ask for Nacho Libre.

The completely bananas Michel Gondry (pronounced Meeshell), director of weirdo and Emo favorite “Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind”, takes a crack at comedy. How does this French “genius” do it? He stole scenes from every movie you liked from the past 40 years and makes a movie that you won’t like. This movie proves that Jack Black isn’t funny and that Mos Def can take a lame, and kinda racist, schtick from “16 Blocks” and make it lame again for Michel “Freedom Fries” Gondry.

If it were not for the entertaining scenes that are scenes from other movies, this ‘save the rec center’ rehash would be just an expensive coaster.

In an act of diplomacy I’ll say this; Gondry fans may enjoy this movie, but I can’t say for sure because I like things that are good. Wow…I suck at diplomacy.

Verdict: Watchable..I guess.

Downright Vindictive Detractor extras:

If you like the whole Sweded thing, check out this site of endless fan made Sweded Swedes.

Impressive…you shot things backwards.

See, it’s cool cause he can’t actually play the drums so he edited it together to make it seem like he can. So impressive Michel. Way to make a shitty youtube video.

The Son of Rambow – British kids without fathers need something to do.

The guys who directed and produced the underrated and off-beat “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” bring you the British version of “Be Kind Rewind”. Well, it’s not really like Gondry’s “The Attack of Jack Black” but it has similarities. The difference is that its original and actually heart warming. Two kids have lost their fathers, one boy lost his to a stroke and the other’s just doesn’t pay attention to him and basically lives in another country cause he a European dirt bag, make a homemade sequel to “First Blood” even though there are around eight of those already. Nonetheless the unlikely and completely different friends make a homemade movie together that is inspired by Sylvester Stallone’s “First Blood”.

Set in the eighties, filled with New Wave tunes and full of snotty French characters and suffering from some classic British cinema dry spells, though these are broken up by some pretty damn funny random acts of violence aimed at young children, this D.V.D. may not be for everyone.

Verdict: Watchable.

Downright Vindictive Detractor extras:

None. Fuck you.

The Strangers – Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman as Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman.

A decent genre flick (translation not good but good for it’s enclave). It manages to build suspense without the typical scream-fest tricks like ‘girl closes mirror and suddenly sees dude standing behind her’ nor does it use nuclear deformed sexual deviants. It doesn’t even use that much fake blood. If you like a scary movie here and there this one’s probably right up your sick and twisted alley. You disturbed freak.

Don’t be fooled by its proclamation of being based on a specific murder case. It’s loosely based on the Charles Manson murders and some creepy thing that happened to the director as a kid that didn’t involve murder at all. So it’s kinda like the new “Blair Witch Project” only its not shitty.

Verdict: Watchable.

Downright Vindictive Detractor extras:
For those offended by me labeling you as a “disturbed freak” I apologize. I should add that I like scary movies… because I’m a disturbed freak much like you.

Man… I’m spent.



1. Mike Scioscia's tragic illness - October 14, 2008

Wilson, you’re a MACHINE.

2. wilson - October 14, 2008

Thats what she said.

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