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Esoteric Movie Tip – Transsiberian November 30, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in Esoteric Movie Tips, movie reviews.
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The E.M.T. is here to revive your slowly dying ability and motivation to find movies that don’t involve computer generated graphics, vampires, or Will Smith.

I don't get it...what rhymes with Dalores?

I don't get it...I look like something that rhymes with Delores? Is it Mulva?

Transsiberian (First Look Studios) – available on Netflix, Lackluster and iTunes.

Director Brad Anderson defies Indie cannon by using plot elements beloved by the mainstream like American tourism, drug running, murder and mixing them with well known Hollywood actors. Going mainstream is the new Indie. Anderson’s previous efforts, both of which are worth renting, were the uplifting romps “The Machinist” and “Session 9” both of which were terribly depressing yet…hypnotic. With “Transsiberian” Mr. Anderson continues his gentle touch for creepy but instead of steering away from typical Hollywood stories and plot structures he takes them into his arms, caresses them and then slyly unclasps her bra despite her declaration of “not” being ready.

Click on More for More…unless you’re not ready. And if you’re not…sorry baby, but I needs to gets mine. (more…)

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Happy Thanksgiving November 27, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in Uncategorized.
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thanksgiving2004

Downright Vindictive Detractor reviews Hancock November 26, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in D.V.D. reviews..., movie reviews.
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Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.

Hancock (Columbia Pictures) – Will Smith as a black superhero… that’s a bum and an alcoholic. Typical. Way to set back African-Americans by another decade, Will.

Available on Netflix, Lackluster.com and iTunes.

Hancock ponders how to rescue Whoopie Goldberg from beaching herself.

Hancock ponders how to rescue Whoopie Goldberg from beaching herself.

If you have internet or a television then you already know the basic set-up of the movie , so I won’t waste a second of the five minutes that you’ve decided not to do anything at work to read this. In fact I bet you’ve come to this page because you’re boss had the I.T. dweebs block GaySpace from your office.

More if you click ‘More’ (more…)

Esoteric Movie Tip – The Visitor November 24, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in Esoteric Movie Tips, movie reviews.
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The E.M.T. is here to revive your slowly dying ability and motivation to find movies that don’t involve Samuel L. Jackson, Tom Cruise, or Angelina Jolie.

Sooooooo...I don't use my penis?

Sooooooo...I don't use my penis?

The Visitor (Overture Films) – available on Netflix and Blockbuster.com

Thomas McCarthy is probably most known for his performance as Dr. Bob Banks in ‘Meet the Parents’ because 99% of the people in this world are dumber and less cultured than the other 1%. If you’d like to jump from dumb as the rest to smarter than most, rent the McCarthy penned and helmmed ‘The Visitor’ and see what happens when movies are filmed to make a film and not money. Confused? You’re probably in the 99 percentile. Keep reading to change that… (more…)

1 Minute Movie Review – Quantum of Solace November 20, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
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If you loved the Bond of ‘Casino Royale’ but thought the poker section was its only campy misstep then you

Craig was unamused as the stunt coordinator described what he had to do to the man in the helmet after trousers were dropped.

Craig was unamused as the stunt coordinator described what he had to do to the man in the helmet after trousers were dropped.

and I should hang out sometime and drink beer until George W Bush is de-inaugerated from office, then vomit and “beer shit” until Obama is out of office. Until then go see ‘Quantum of Solace’. Its got all the shit ‘splodes on a constant basis that you can handle and then it shoots you in the stomach just cause Bond doesn’t like the cut of your jib. You sketchy bastard.

Verdict – You owe yourself to see this after not watching MNF because your girlfriend threatened to leave you b/c all you do is ‘guy stuff’   For the lady readers…see this movie if you’d like to stare at Daniel Craig for 1.5 hours, which isn’t a bad idea after hanging out with your ugly boyfriend all Monday evening.

DVD Review – Hell Boy 2 and Journey to the Center of the Earth November 18, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in D.V.D. reviews..., movie reviews.
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gay-fraser

The Encino Man encased in Blue Steele

Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Dowright, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.


It’s getting cold out and with Thanksgiving just a week away there’s no reason necessary to stay in and make sweet love to your TV with your eyes. So before you completely leave quality off your qualifications for a movie to Netflix read up on two of Hollywood’s biggest plastic offerings: “Hell Boy 2” and “Journey to the Center of the Earth”

Journey to the Center of the Earth – Brendan Fraser (pronounced Fray-Sir) plays Indiana Jones without cajones.

This movie starts with the quality and the feel of a WB sitcom and finishes with an Ed Wood style special effects bonanza/disaster. This movie is the finest piece of adventure since ‘American Ninja‘ starring
Michael Dudikoff. The emotionally charged story tells the tale of a college professor who teaches at a non-specific Boston school of “higher” education with a dead brother and a fatherless nephew played by Josh Hutcherson. Fray-sir spends the entirety of the movie trying to be the replacement father for his loser nephew and produces negative amounts of chemistry with Hutcherson. Jeff Goldblum had a better back and forth with a Tyranasaurus Rex in “Jurassic Park.”

Seriously the original Looney Toones, even the unedited ones with the racist jokes against black people and the Asians, had more cinematic integrity than “Journey…”  The dialogue sucks, the story sucks, the acting is laughable especially everything Brendan Frascher says while playing a main character that’s an annoying, stupid, jackass version of Indiana Jones and lastly, I’ve seen car commercials with better special effects. Hell, my living room couch has better special effects.

Verdict – Unwatchable. I dare you two waste 90 minutes of your life on this movie. (more…)

Good Actors, Bad Movies – A Cool Breeze over a Shitty River November 5, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in Good Actors Bad Movies.
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Bruce Willis. Action star. Icon. Ambassador for the bald. Predecessor to Ashton Kutcher. Good actor.

Heeeey! I'm Jo-zeee's fuckin' finest you fuckin' fuck douche bag fuck!

Heeeey! I'm Jo-zeeee's fuckin' finest you fuckin' fuck douche bag fuck! You like my fuckin' set a earins?

Also

…bad writer. In 1988 Willis was god. A year after launching his movie career with ‘Blind Date’ he immortalized himself as John McClain in possibly the best classic action film ever. In 1991 Bruce was hot off the heals of ‘Bonfire of the Vanities’ and ‘Mortal Thoughts.’ Both terrible celluloid disasters and hated by everyone. So what does Bruce do to turn his career back to respectability…he writes a movie based around a song he wrote with some dude (Robert Kraft) that they conceptualized around a term Bruce made up when he was a teenager. A sure fire recipe for a respectable film! Much like Seth Rogan’s ‘Pineapple Express’, ‘Hudson Hawk’ got it’s title from a term for an airstream. A ‘hawk’ is a little known term for a a cold winter wind over a river. The ‘Hudson’ is fecal infested dredge that separates New Jersey from New York, or as some say, it’s the moat that protects New York City from Jerseyites. I suggest watching the short film posted after the jump to fully understand New Jersey, the state that class forgot. (more…)

An Announcement from Management November 4, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in Uncategorized.
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GO FUCKING VOTE!

In an ironic twist the left leg voted republican, the right democrat, thus cancelling each other's vote. Ah, democracy.

In an ironic twist the left leg voted republican, the right democrat, thus cancelling each other. Ah, Democracy.

The UCKIN is green to represent the Green Party, because that’s how we fucking roll at Stranger. The dude would want it that way.

Deceptively Vindictive Detractor of D.V.D.s – The Anti-Halloween Edition November 3, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in D.V.D. reviews..., movie reviews, Uncategorized.
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Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.
Contrary to production stills this film has nothing to do with menstral cycles.
Contrary to production stills this film has nothing to do with menstrual cycles.

Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?

the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.

The Fall (2006) – Tarsem Singh bases a film on Arabian paintings. A dubious idea at best.

Mr. Singh is probably most famous for making “The Cell” starring J-Lo. But calling him famous for doing that is practically doing  the guy a favor. The Fall is a story within a story that a movie stuntman, Roy, while hospitalized after a stunt gone wrong that destroyed some of his legs tells a young immigrant girl, Alexandria, who is also there for a broken limb. The structure of the story is like the “The Princess Bride” in that the story telling is interuppted for cute little exchanges between the story teller and the listener. Example of interlude: Roy stops story right before a critical, exciting, and violent chapter in order to bribe Alexandria to steal morphine pills from a nurses office. Classy!  So there isn’t really anything else similiar between Princess Bride and The Fall. The Fall isn’t about murderous revenge or chasing the love of some dude’s life. Except the Fall is about murderous revenge. But that’s it. No more similarities. Oh, and there is someone chasing love. But the two movies are totally different. Which is true. (more…)