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Good Actors, Bad Movies – A Cool Breeze over a Shitty River November 5, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in Good Actors Bad Movies.

Bruce Willis. Action star. Icon. Ambassador for the bald. Predecessor to Ashton Kutcher. Good actor.

Heeeey! I'm Jo-zeee's fuckin' finest you fuckin' fuck douche bag fuck!

Heeeey! I'm Jo-zeeee's fuckin' finest you fuckin' fuck douche bag fuck! You like my fuckin' set a earins?


…bad writer. In 1988 Willis was god. A year after launching his movie career with ‘Blind Date’ he immortalized himself as John McClain in possibly the best classic action film ever. In 1991 Bruce was hot off the heals of ‘Bonfire of the Vanities’ and ‘Mortal Thoughts.’ Both terrible celluloid disasters and hated by everyone. So what does Bruce do to turn his career back to respectability…he writes a movie based around a song he wrote with some dude (Robert Kraft) that they conceptualized around a term Bruce made up when he was a teenager. A sure fire recipe for a respectable film! Much like Seth Rogan’s ‘Pineapple Express’, ‘Hudson Hawk’ got it’s title from a term for an airstream. A ‘hawk’ is a little known term for a a cold winter wind over a river. The ‘Hudson’ is fecal infested dredge that separates New Jersey from New York, or as some say, it’s the moat that protects New York City from Jerseyites. I suggest watching the short film posted after the jump to fully understand New Jersey, the state that class forgot.

Enjoy: Guido Beach.

Bruce Willis pretends to be a musician in his spare time. (Here’s proof that Bruce has awesome stage presence and is an expert at banter.) He also pretends to be a writer. Actually, he used to pretend to be a writer. After the abortion of comedy, action, mystery, conspiracy theory, slapstick, and clockpunk with a touch of Frank Stallone’s acting prowess Hollywood convened, agreed to intervene and never allow Bruce to write anything other than his signature on divorce papers and child support checks. That’s a burn.

Willis' singing is as beautiful as Bernhard's face.

Willis' singing is as beautiful as Bernhard's face.

Clockpunk. Obviously clockpunk is an off shoot of Steampunk, which is a type of science fiction loved by 0.1% of virgin basement nerds, where present or future societies still use steam power in complicated technological devices, which is dumb but whatever. If this world has room for Scientologists I guess we can tolerate fantastical steam power. Well, clockpunk is when lots of gears similar to gears in an old timey watches or clocks are used to do stuff that’s impossible. In Hudson Hawk giant gears and a shiny pointy version of a rubix cube are used to turn lead into gold.

The Hawk being the peak of his career illustrates just how not great both he and Hudson Hawk are not.

The Hawk being the peak of his career illustrates just how great both he and Hudson Hawk are not.

I know what you’re thinking and yes, this must have seemed like the perfect ingredient for a slapstick, thriller, comedy action, conspiracy flick. How could it fail? How could the purpose and basis of a movie be mudled and diluted when it centers around something as cool as clockpunk? It couldn’t. Not when the originating idea for the project comes from such a solid base as Bruce’s pretend name for the Hudson River. Here it from the jackass’ mouth…I mean horse’s mouth. [Actual explanation in the video is precluded by a crap song by Bruce and Kraft, and a whole bunch of rambling that closely resembles a ‘bro-date.’] No wonder Bruce stopped writing, everything that comes out of his mouth is the opposite of cool/interesting except when people are paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to write his lines. Also, he based a $65,000,000 project based on A FUCKING SONG HE THOUGHT WAS COOL TO WALK DOWN THE STREET TO.

All of this being said, the movie has developed a cult following as it is pretty funny. The movie’s failure is partly due to it’s advertising compaign portraying it as more of a thriller than a shitty tongue in cheek, no shame, just for funsies buddy comedy. I can’t imagine why the studio avoided that route.

It’s redeaming qualites include Tony Aiello, James Coburn, Sandra Bernherd as Sandra Bernhard whom normally I hate but she’s too perfect for this role, David Caruso in his most tolerable role…a mute, and most importantly…Frank Stallone as Cesar Mario.

Clutch Lines: “History, tradition, culture… are not concepts! These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights!”

“The vanity in this man Hudson Hawk! The Vatican has foiled the advances of pirates and terrorists. We will not lie down for some schmuck from New Jersey.”

“If Da Vinci was alive today, he’d be eating microwave sushi, naked, in the back of a Cadillac with the both of us.”

“Almond Joy. Get it? Candy bars. Well, it’s better than when we first started out. Our code names were diseases. Do you know what it’s like being called Chlamydia for a year?”

Also… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1daIIDQsXI



1. Mike Scioscia's tragic illness - November 9, 2008

I wish I had four earrings like that.

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