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DVD Review – Hell Boy 2 and Journey to the Center of the Earth November 18, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in D.V.D. reviews..., movie reviews.
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The Encino Man encased in Blue Steele

Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Dowright, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.


It’s getting cold out and with Thanksgiving just a week away there’s no reason necessary to stay in and make sweet love to your TV with your eyes. So before you completely leave quality off your qualifications for a movie to Netflix read up on two of Hollywood’s biggest plastic offerings: “Hell Boy 2” and “Journey to the Center of the Earth”

Journey to the Center of the Earth – Brendan Fraser (pronounced Fray-Sir) plays Indiana Jones without cajones.

This movie starts with the quality and the feel of a WB sitcom and finishes with an Ed Wood style special effects bonanza/disaster. This movie is the finest piece of adventure since ‘American Ninja‘ starring
Michael Dudikoff. The emotionally charged story tells the tale of a college professor who teaches at a non-specific Boston school of “higher” education with a dead brother and a fatherless nephew played by Josh Hutcherson. Fray-sir spends the entirety of the movie trying to be the replacement father for his loser nephew and produces negative amounts of chemistry with Hutcherson. Jeff Goldblum had a better back and forth with a Tyranasaurus Rex in “Jurassic Park.”

Seriously the original Looney Toones, even the unedited ones with the racist jokes against black people and the Asians, had more cinematic integrity than “Journey…”  The dialogue sucks, the story sucks, the acting is laughable especially everything Brendan Frascher says while playing a main character that’s an annoying, stupid, jackass version of Indiana Jones and lastly, I’ve seen car commercials with better special effects. Hell, my living room couch has better special effects.

Verdict – Unwatchable. I dare you two waste 90 minutes of your life on this movie.

Guess who can't catch a cab.

She likes 'em big, and she likes 'em red... M & Ms that is. What did you think I meant?

Hell Boy 2 – Ron Pearlman wears less make up than Barbra Streisand, but more than Madonna.
The second installment in the son of Satan comic movie series, directed by Guillermo del Toro, might have been decent if it weren’t for the opening scene, which ruined everything. It starts with the old guy who died in the first one telling Hell Boy the history of a Golden Army. But he does it “Princess Bride” style which doesn’t work when the Fred Savage roll is giant, red and has giant horns. And just to make things more cartooney Hell Boy has buck teeth and make-up worthy of a high school musical. It’s not often an action movie ruins itself with the first scene. Normally, its the best part, but that’s not how they do it in Europe.
As for the rest of this mediocre installment to the 2008 year of the comicbook, “Hell Boy 2: The Golden Army” follows its predessesor’s plan of taking an intesting set up and wasting it by basing everything around Hell Boy’s creepy interspecies relationship with Selma Blair .  Is the target audience teenage, virgin, nerd romantics? I guess that’s a large enough demographic, but it’s still a little to niche-esque to run with the big boys of the ’08 comic film scene.
Verdict – Lame, but watchable, but more lame than watchable.

So…

Who wins the Fray-sir Vs. Hell Boy battle?

Whomever takes your money for you to rent either one. Go outside for once before it gets too cold, or read a book, or fix that leg chair you’re mom asked you to fix but you never did because you’re a terrible person or at least play a really good video game while extremely baked. Movies aren’t always the answer.

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