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1 Minute Movie Review – The Wrestler December 31, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
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Bald Bull's 'Bull Charge' was the end for Little Mac 

 

Bald Bull's 'Bull Charge' was the end for Little Mac

The Wrester is why we suffer through countless weepy, pretentious, and conceited Indie films. Darran Aronofsky, the director of The Wrestler, made math interesting with ‘Pi’ then he made drugs seem terrible and depressing with ‘Requiem for a Dream’, then he made Hugh Jackman actually act in ‘The Fountain’ and now he’s made professional wrestling seem gritty, real, and entertaining. To him the impossible is nothing.

Verdict – Mickey Rourke + violence x Marisa Tomei toppless a lot = damn fine Oscar worthy film making.

 

Extra Fun Fact – The X-Men Origins: Wolverine trailer showed before the movie, and it looked lame.

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Religion Ruins Things December 30, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in Uncategorized.
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Actual Craigslist Posting

All the tenants I interview aren’t good enough (Broadway and Commercial)


Reply to: pers-9XXXXXXXX1@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-19, 6:05PM PST 

I am a born again Christian. Why is this a problem for people????! I have a house that’s MINE and I PAID FOR IT. I also have a basement apartment for rent. It’s a great space for I’m charging very little for it, $480 monthly, for the right tenant. I know it’s ILLEGAL to require a Christian in the apartment, against the human rights. That’s why I NEVER put this in my ad. Why then does it keep getting taken down?

*To read the answer click (more…) and then read away. For the impatient just skip down to the About Us: (Landlords)  aka psychotic born again christian.
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2008’s Favorites December 28, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in Uncategorized, Year in Review.
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Its time to review the year in movies. For those outside the know Oscar season is about to explode like a 13 year old pubescent boy as he views his first real life side-boob. This incendeiry blast marks the end of the year in movies. That and the end of the calendar year.
Before I let loose with my opinions I’d like to say two things about ranking a year’s movie crop. Trying to rank the best movies doesn’t work. There is no ‘Best’, and there is no ‘Worst.’ There is only what you liked, and what you hated. So here’s what I hate the least ranked in order by which movie I’d most like to see again.

Why so serious Heath? Why don't you take a valium? And a vicodan and an ambien. You'll feel less serious.

Why so serious Heath? Why don't you take a valium? And a vicodan and an ambien. You'll feel less serious.

1. El Caballero Oscuro, o para mis amigos de Engles…The Dark Knight. Maybe you’ve heard of it. This isn’t the best film I saw this year but I will definitely see it several more times before I die or go blind. Hopefully I’ll die first. I don’t think I could handle not ever being able to see Fenway Park, side-boob, or puppies again. I don’t care how masculine you claim to be, puppies are knee meltingly adorable. Rewatchability – Imminent.

2. Tropic Thunder. Robert Downey Jr pretends to be an Australian pretending to be an African American and makes it look Oscar worthy. Meanwhile Jack Black is funny for once, while Ben Stiller is not funny again as Derek Zoolander in the jungle. I’m excited to watch this on my couch with a big bag of… jellybeans. Yes. Jellybeans. Marijuana flavored jellybeans. I’ve said too much. Rewatchability – Until I run out of jellybeans.

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Yippie Kay Yay, One Who Fornicates With One’s Mother December 23, 2008

Posted by Mike in Die Hard.
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Fuck the Gipper, This Is A Motivational Speech December 13, 2008

Posted by Mike in Uncategorized.
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I’ve blatantly stolen this from Lifehacker, but I don’t care. Regardless of whether you catch the movie references or not, this will make you feel like you could run through nine brick walls. Or, how Mickey Rourke felt for the entire decade of the 90s. Besides, where else are you going to find clips from Army of Darkness, Cool Runnings, Free Willy, Star Trek, The Mighty Ducks, Swingers, and Patton all in the same place?

Downright Vindictive Detractor of DVDs – Wanted December 11, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in D.V.D. reviews..., movie reviews, Uncategorized.
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Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions? the Downright, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.

Wanted (Universal) – Angelina Jolie as Morpheus, only white, and with boobs, and with huge lips. Wait…nevermind.

Available on Netflix, Lackluster, DvDAvenue.com, Cafedvd.com and iTunes.

From the brilliant Russian auteur Timur Bekmambetov comes Wanted, another movie to remove everything that was cool and respectable from its source material for the sake of, well, ruining the movies. Bekmanbetov broke out as a director making Roger Corman’s ‘The Arena”. Who’s end scene can be viewed <here> and results in one of the world’s finest ‘uh-oh’ faces, not to be confused with the ‘O face’ I showed the new chick from Logistics. As for Timur’s coup de grace, ‘Wanted’…

Two of these peoples deserve to be in movies. The other is Common.

Two of these peoples deserve to be in movies. The other is Common.

this movie is terrible. Don’t rent it. To save yourself two hours and five bucks just close your eyes and imagine The Matrix crossed with Star Wars crossed with Kill Bill Vol 1. I have never read the comic book ‘Wanted’ nor do I want to read it. Why? Becaue it’s about A FRATERNITY OF WEAVERS! Imagine if the Jedi decided which Sith to kill by looking at fucking blankets. Would you still  love Yoda? Or would you think Yoda was a sissy that deserved wedgies and swirlies instead of light sabers and telekinesis? What if the Bride decided to kill the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad because Morgan Freeman told her that a quilt had a series of screwed up threads that when translated through binary code spelled out ‘Lucy Lui’? Would you even bother to watch these movies?

Read More to find out your answers to these questions… (more…)

I Demand You Watch This. December 7, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in god damn it.
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shineThis has been posted on basically every useless website the internet can offer… so what’s one more? And instead of embedding it into this website I’m just going to link you direct to the source so that you can see this disaster as it is vomited from the horse’s mouth.

Here’s the video. Watch it to the end because just when you think it couldn’t get more ridiculous, stupid, gay or silly… it does.

Here is his Bio. It speaks for itself.

This video is downright unbelievable. Is this guy for real? Is this some elaborate hoax? Is this tongue-in-cheek comedy? Does his website really boast about his use of  “the gleem of techno-wizardry” ??? Did Ace Ventura even have special effects!

Verdict – I’m pretty sure whomever let this abomination come to fruition has suffered many a stroke. I also hope that having a stroke is similar to watching this video.

Step Aside, Bruce McGill December 4, 2008

Posted by Mike in Stephen Root, top fives.
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Your time has come and gone, and I’m declaring a new winner for Best That Guy Ever. Sure, much of this is due to the fact that in the space of an hour last night, I saw him guesting on Pushing Daisies as evil Dwight Dixon, then while flipping through channels saw him on HBO on TrueBlood as a gay vampire and get shot in the chest in “No Country for Old Men” and heard him voice Bill Dautrive on King of the Hill. Just by reading those roles, you know that today’s hero possesses one of the most overlooked qualities in today’s actor: the ability to act. Unlike the guys who basically play themselves in every movie (which we’ll get to in #3) below, our featured guest actually has the rare ability to create new characters for new roles. It’s almost… too simple, isn’t it?

Simply put, he’s unstoppable.

So we salute you, Stephen Root, the greatest That Guy of all time, with your five most memorable roles. Think I missed one? That’s adorable. Bite me.

5. Bonus fun fact: He was cut out of both “Anchorman” and “Kindergarten Cop”! What might have been. A true tragedy for American cinema.

hangmanjudge4. Judge Hank “the Hangman” BMW, “Idiocracy”
Say you haven’t seen this movie? Then your shit’s all retarded. Remember: it’s got electrolytes, and that’s what plants crave.

“You shut up! Now… I am fixin’ to commensurate this trial here. We gonna see if we can’t come up with a verdict up in here.”

gordondodgeball13. Gordon, “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story”
“Dodgeball” was a criminally underrated movie. You’ve got sports, a hot blonde girl, men beating up Girl Scouts, Vince Vaughn playing Double-Down Trent for the 40th time, and Ben Stiller playing one of the three characters he knows how to play – this being Evil Ben, in addition to “adorable dimwit” and “Derek Zoolander”. What more could you want? You take your “believable plot” and “realistic character development” – I’ll take Stephen Root portraying the mild-mannered obscure sports fan who has a murderous rage against his mail order bride. L for love!

“Since I’m here, I’m gonna go ahead and probably do some abs, gonna shock it up, gonna let it go.”

miltonofficespace2. Milton Waddams, “Office Space”
Thought this was a slam dunk number one, didn’t you? Didn’t you?! Don’t get me wrong, Milton’s a classic. The Red Stapler, the anger at not getting a piece of cake, the constant abuse of what appears to be a mentally disabled person by the general community. It’s really the American dream!

“Sir? I’ll take my traveler’s checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put… I could put… strychnine in the guacamole.”

At number one… the greatest character from the most sadly underrated comedy of all time.

1. Jimmy James, NewsRadio

jimmyjames

Jimmy James. Billionare. Eccentric. Ladies’ man. Macho Business Donkey Wrestler. Need an example of the greatness of Jimmy James? Listen to him explain to you the concept of advertising:

Not yet convinced? How about listening to him read from his autobiography… which was translated into Japanese… and back into English.

You know what? If you haven’t already seen NewsRadio, you’re hopeless. I can’t help you.

“Hell, I haven’t read a comic strip ever since I realized Beetle Bailey wasn’t actually going to shoot anybody.”

“Glorious sunset of my heart was fading. Soon the super karate monkey death car would park in my space. But Jimmy has fancy plans, and pants to match.”

Jimmy: I wanted a house just like Xanadu, but without a dorky name.
Lisa: So what did you call it?
Jimmy: Fort Awesome.