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Downright Vindictive Detractor of DVDs – Wanted December 11, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in D.V.D. reviews..., movie reviews, Uncategorized.
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Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions? the Downright, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.

Wanted (Universal) – Angelina Jolie as Morpheus, only white, and with boobs, and with huge lips. Wait…nevermind.

Available on Netflix, Lackluster, DvDAvenue.com, Cafedvd.com and iTunes.

From the brilliant Russian auteur Timur Bekmambetov comes Wanted, another movie to remove everything that was cool and respectable from its source material for the sake of, well, ruining the movies. Bekmanbetov broke out as a director making Roger Corman’s ‘The Arena”. Who’s end scene can be viewed <here> and results in one of the world’s finest ‘uh-oh’ faces, not to be confused with the ‘O face’ I showed the new chick from Logistics. As for Timur’s coup de grace, ‘Wanted’…

Two of these peoples deserve to be in movies. The other is Common.

Two of these peoples deserve to be in movies. The other is Common.

this movie is terrible. Don’t rent it. To save yourself two hours and five bucks just close your eyes and imagine The Matrix crossed with Star Wars crossed with Kill Bill Vol 1. I have never read the comic book ‘Wanted’ nor do I want to read it. Why? Becaue it’s about A FRATERNITY OF WEAVERS! Imagine if the Jedi decided which Sith to kill by looking at fucking blankets. Would you still  love Yoda? Or would you think Yoda was a sissy that deserved wedgies and swirlies instead of light sabers and telekinesis? What if the Bride decided to kill the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad because Morgan Freeman told her that a quilt had a series of screwed up threads that when translated through binary code spelled out ‘Lucy Lui’? Would you even bother to watch these movies?

Read More to find out your answers to these questions…No, because your baby brother could have come up with this plot vehicle in between

Angelina hates to gun fight when she has to poop.

Angelina hates to gun fight when she has to poop.

bowls of cereal. In fact, your baby sister could come up with a more compelling and intelligent setting for a society of assassins while figuring out why she’s bleeding from her no-no zone. I mean seriously…blankets?! That’s the keystone for this movie? Looking at my fucking socks is more interesting than this…I admit that they are expertly weaved by Fruit of the Loom and are quite breathtaking. 

Aside from the atrocious script, its unoriginal ‘twist’, and terrible acting, it does have some cool special effects and action. Big deal. What movie from this summer didn’t. The Incredible Hulk had decent special effects and decent action. I have decent special effects, though my action is more than impressive and could not be lowered to the standards of popcorn flicks. 

I hate this movie so much I’m refusing to write any more about it. Except for this last one sentence…which has a spoiler in it, so don’t read it if you’re ridiculously bored enough to actually rent this abortion of an action movie… The assassin that is killing all the other assassins… turns out to be the Neo character’s father. Nice. Awesome. This movie couldn’t be less original if it’s characters could bend the laws of physics or slow down time… wait…

Downright Vindictive Detractor extras…

Legitimate Theater still photo

A rather intelligent and sophisticated video review of Wanted by the scholarly Sandee West.

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Comments»

1. The other Andrew from NHS - December 11, 2008

I still don’t get how the bullet bending thing worked. I mean, I can buy into the sci fi premise that you can slow down time because your adrenaline surges have been passed down from the lineage of master assassins (on second thought…) but you aim your gun like ice cube in boyz from the the hood, flick your wrist and suddenly you change the laws of physics?

Also, I can kind of see the weavers thing because it’s so ancient…but how is the code weaved into the blankets in the first place for all these nutbars to interpret? Is it just a divine power? Dumb.

The first scene of this movie had me psyched. The last scene of this movie had (spoiler) the distinguished morgan freeman appearing in the most embarrassing moment of his career. “oh fuck” SPLAT


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