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2008’s Favorites December 28, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in Uncategorized, Year in Review.
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Its time to review the year in movies. For those outside the know Oscar season is about to explode like a 13 year old pubescent boy as he views his first real life side-boob. This incendeiry blast marks the end of the year in movies. That and the end of the calendar year.
Before I let loose with my opinions I’d like to say two things about ranking a year’s movie crop. Trying to rank the best movies doesn’t work. There is no ‘Best’, and there is no ‘Worst.’ There is only what you liked, and what you hated. So here’s what I hate the least ranked in order by which movie I’d most like to see again.

Why so serious Heath? Why don't you take a valium? And a vicodan and an ambien. You'll feel less serious.

Why so serious Heath? Why don't you take a valium? And a vicodan and an ambien. You'll feel less serious.

1. El Caballero Oscuro, o para mis amigos de Engles…The Dark Knight. Maybe you’ve heard of it. This isn’t the best film I saw this year but I will definitely see it several more times before I die or go blind. Hopefully I’ll die first. I don’t think I could handle not ever being able to see Fenway Park, side-boob, or puppies again. I don’t care how masculine you claim to be, puppies are knee meltingly adorable. Rewatchability – Imminent.

2. Tropic Thunder. Robert Downey Jr pretends to be an Australian pretending to be an African American and makes it look Oscar worthy. Meanwhile Jack Black is funny for once, while Ben Stiller is not funny again as Derek Zoolander in the jungle. I’m excited to watch this on my couch with a big bag of… jellybeans. Yes. Jellybeans. Marijuana flavored jellybeans. I’ve said too much. Rewatchability – Until I run out of jellybeans.

3. Iron Man. Robert Downey has an amazing rapport with his robots, much like a lonely lesbian, and it makes the movie great. A lack of action

Gayest robot ever.

Broke Back Robot

sequences keeps Iron Man for being just as entertaining as The Dark Knight but instead it will have to settle for being the second best comic book movie ever made. The third best? Howard the Duck. Rewatchability – Many many times. Would be more if there were more boobs, or robot boobs. Either would be good. [hint hint Favreau]

4. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. You’ve never heard of this film. Which is a shame. I’m sure you won’t go rent it when it hits Lacklusters shelves because it’s in French with English subtitles. But if you’re an intelligent person who enjoys things like ‘humanity’, ‘intelligence’, and the amazing, inspiring, power of human will you must see this movie. You may be put off by the intense European style at first but it will make you appreciate things you take for granted…like being able to brush your own teeth. Or maybe you’d rather drink a six pack of Natty Ice. Both are decent options. Rewatchability – Necessary but not immediately.

5. Burn After Reading. Not since ‘Fargo’ and ‘Raising Arizona’ have the Cohen Brothers mixed violence and comedy so well. This movie also has my favorite swearing of the year. Clooney and Malkovich drop F-Bombs with surgecal precision. Anyone can swear it takes a talented man and a good script to do it well. Rewatchability – Several times over several years.

6. There Will Be Blood. Best movie of 2008. That being said I don’t know if I’ll

Mr. Plainview likes to watch.

Mr. Plainview likes to watch

 watch it again anytime soon. Though it’s not as disturbing and gross like ‘Requiem for a Dream’ it doesn’t exactly hold and caress you through to the end. You might even say Daniel Plainview has abandoned his viewer. He abandoned his viewer. He also drank your milkshake. For Fun Times Watch This.

7. In Bruges. Bruges is a city in Denmark that no one outside of Europe has ever known. Colin Ferrel and some fat Irish dude have to hide out in Denmark after a hit goes wrong. It sounds like the most formulaic movie ever, but the meat of the film is something different. It’s not overly impressive, it doesn’t deal with original themes, it has lots of cockney accents (which has the best name of all accents…cahk-knee.) but it has Colin Farrel as a likable, heavily flawed but nice guy. Throw in some Ralph Fiennes swearing more than a room full of sailors stubbing their toes on the corners of coffee tables and bang-a-rang…a movie that doesn’t rely on CGI robots or Christian Bale to be entertaining. Rewatchability – Until midgets become unfunny, which will never happen.

8. Semi-Pro. Another Will Ferrell sports movie. Not a lot of people liked this movie. Then again not a lot of people are as smart as you and most people like Nascar and Crystal Meth. Put yourself ahead of the redneck curve and enjoy Jackie Moon’s Basketball Bonanza. Rewatchability – Somewhere behind Anchorman, Talladega Nights and Old School, which is serious company. 

I caught my first tube today... sir.

Back off Warchild, seriously.

9. Street Kings. I know…it’s not a good ‘movie’. I know, Keaunu Reeves is a terrible actor. But hear me out. It’s this years Point Break. It’s biggest flaw is that the villain does not compare to Mr. Swayze. Rewatchability – Subsequent viewings will require smokable treats.

 

10. The Visitor. A nice story about nice people. Then not nice things happen to the nice people but they handle it in a civil and polite manner. Sounds boring but it’s actually warm and comforting like American apple pie…so long as you have a visa or citizenship. Rewatchability – Eventually.

11. Hancock. Underrated or overrated. It’s definitely one of the two. But it was decent. Rewatchability – I’ll see it when it’s on cable.

12. Charlie Wilson’s War. Seymour Hoffman is the uncontested best actor of this decade. Ledger would have contested but was unavailable for comment. In ‘Charlie Wilson’s War’ Hoffman and Tom Hanks converse with such brilliant and witty charm you’ll feel like trailer trash with a college degree. Unless you don’t have a college degree in which case you probably live in a trailer. Rewatchability – Once or twice

13. No Country for Old Men. No Country was extremely boring. It was also just as amazing. Unlike most people I liked the ending. Also I’ve found that the real life application of murdering with compressed air is much harder than depicted in the film. Many puppies were brutally maimed during my experiments and I recovered no Mexican heroin proving that Independent movies are full of it just like Hollywood flicks. Rewatchability – Never again. It wasn’t even the most entertaining Cohen Brothers’ film of ’08.

BONUS END OF THE YEAR WRAP-UP!

Ranking the Comic Book Movies of 2008: The Best Comic Book Year Ever.

1. The Dark Knight. No explanation necessary.

2. Iron Man. Also, no explanation necessary. It does suffer from Batman Returns Syndrome (too much set-up not enough action.)

3. Hancock. Which was better than it is entertaining…if that makes any sense. Admittedly the twist pretty much ruins everything.

4. Hell Boy Deuce: Golden Army. Visually orgasmic.

5. The Hulk. meh. In fact, it was so meh I intentionally didn’t capitalize the first meh.

6. Alien Vs Predator 2: Requiem. I guess it’s an impossible dream for someone to make a respectable Alien and Predator movie combined into one. James Cameron could do it

7. Wanted (I wish I could leave this movie off the list. I fucking hate it…IT WAS CALLED STAR WARS! Why did you remake FUCKING STAR WARS and THE MATRIX at the SAME TIME?)

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