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Esoteric Movie Tip – Paprika January 26, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Esoteric Movie Tips, movie reviews.
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The E.M.T. is here to revive your slowly dying ability and motivation to find movies that don’t involve computer generated graphics, vampires, or Robert Downey Jr.

Boobs... the stuff dreams are made of.

Boobs... the stuff dreams are made of. Or in this case, Booby-Boob... made with 100% Real Dream Fruit Juice.

Paprika (Sony Pictures Classics)  – Available on Netflix (and Netflix Instant*), Lackluster.com, CafeDVD.com, and iTunes.

‘Paprika’ is your everyday story of a machine that psycho-analyzes your dreams by displaying them on a monitor with full color and sound and can even let someone else jump inside your dream, not only to observe your dream but also to interact with you and your dreamscape. How could anything go wrong? Well the machine that makes all this possible, the DC mini, if worn long enough will entrench itself into your skull and put you into a collective dreamscape that follows a giant parade of inanimate objects, flouting frogs and dolls, millions of dolls… permanently. Which is actually less tormenting than sitting next to your least favorite cousin at Thanksgiving dinner.

Paprika is beautifully animated. It’s probably the most visually intriguing animated movie I’ve ever seen. It’s strange blend of fantasy sequences and reality (or is it? oooooooooo… the intrigue!) make for a stoner’s wet dream and anime lover’s treasure chest, which is normally filled with Star Wars novels, Star Wars porn and regular porn… cause they’re lonely people.

For more click (More… ) If not then proceed to hit up your favorite pornography site, because you know you’re only surfing the rest of the web to make yourself feel better about eventually looking at other people do it.

(more…)

Revenge of the Rapists January 25, 2009

Posted by Mike in rape, Revenge of the Nerds.
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rapenerdsJust a quick thought….

In Revenge of the Nerds, we’re supposed to sympathize with the Tri-Lams in their fight against the cruel Alpha Betas.

Obviously, sometimes you have to fight fire with fire, but did no one notice how awful the nerds were? I mean, not only did they break all kinds of sexual harrassment, tresspassing, and wiretapping laws with their installation of the cameras into the sorority house, Lewis literally raped Betty in the moon room. Somehow, the Alpha Betas unleashing pigs into the Tri-Lam party doesn’t seem so bad anymore.

Just look at that guy. If that doesn’t shout “future pedophile” to you, I don’t know what does.

1 Minute Movie Review – Gran Torino. The 2 Minute Director’s Cut January 23, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
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Normally this is where I'd make fun of Eastwood for having a face that resembles a woman's anatomy but I'm scared that he'll stomp my face into a curb while reminding me that I'm a nancy girl.

Normally the caption would make fun of the star of the movie but I'm scared that Eastwood'll stomp my face into a curb while reminding me that I'm a pussy and a ginger, mick potato lover. Mmmm... potatoes.

Gran Torino (Warner Bros.) is racism squared multiplied by the square root of racial slurs MINUS bigotry plus unintentional hilarity, and twirling… always twirling towards freedom. Seriously though, Eastwood brings his geriatric cowboy/Dirty Harry persona to a Korean neighborhood and spends 2 hours calling everyone ‘zipperhead’. This would be uncalled for and offensive if it wasn’t coming out of an old man with his pants lifted above his bellybutton who then saves all the aforementioned zipperheads from gang violence. He’s like Archie Bunker with guns, chewing tobacco and shitty classic car.

Verdict – Very Watchable. Eastwood is a badass crotchedy old man who makes ya laugh, and he makes ya sad. The touching end of the film had the audience dead silent and there were multiple people weeping. Not me though, I was still laughing at the rampant racism.

Five Things I Demand Lost Explain To Me January 21, 2009

Posted by Mitch Kayak in Uncategorized.
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lost-logo1Well, there is a new season of Lost starting, so prepare to be confused as fuck for the next four or five months. I always enjoy the season premier because I get one or two answers and about 4 Billion more questions.  Not that  I mind, but I have no idea how they are going to wrap this up with a satisfying conclusion next year. Unless they pull the Wizard of Oz ending and watch as the Interwebs explodes.

Below are the five things that Lost needs to explain, and I have no clue how they can do it:

1.) The Four Toed Statue: What the fuck? There seems to have been a race of giant four toed douchebags on the island at some point. With the way the show is going, which seems to be focused more on time travel, I really hope they don’t try to explain that using aliens.

2.) The Smoke Monster: This is the real big one for most people. At first it seemed to be a giant mechanical snake that chilled underground. That would be cool and all, but now it seems to be a writer’s device to use when they don’t know how to write themselves out of a corner (See: Ecko). Every explanation I have seen on the web makes me want to stab small children in the face, especially the smoke being the hand of fate.  Writers of Lost please do not do this and make me go on a child stabbing spree.

3.) Walt’s superpowers: They have kinda left this one alone for awhile, but it seems like Walt can make things randomly happen.  Originally it seemed like The Others wanted him for that reason, but then they let him go and it hasn’t really been brought up again.  It seems like his only superpower now is that he grows really fucking fast.

4.) Aaron: Also, originally it seemed like he was really important to the island, thus Claire running around screaming about her BAY-BE all the freaking time. Not it seems like island doesn’t want him back and also that he is growing into a really ugly child.

5.) Nicky and Palo: Just kidding, the writers already explained them, apparently they were drunk and high when they wrote that episode. I hope they both died painfully. It seems like they did,  so huzzah!

So get to it Lost, explain those things to me, or at least show me Kate in a bikini more often.

On the First Day of Obama… January 21, 2009

Posted by Mike in Uncategorized.
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…CNN gave to me:

hjgy4nzwaiyy9ktvl6uu8vuqo1_500

That’s… probably not how that was supposed to read.

Go see Gran Turino, eggrolls.

12 Days of Bush – On the Twelfth Day of Bush… January 20, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in 12 Days of Bush.
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On the Twelfth Day of Bush that Fuck Head gave to me…

 

Twelve Billion spent in Iraq every month

At no point did you do anything productive. Everyone here is worse of because of you. I award you no points and my god have mercy on your soul. You son of a bitch.

At no point did you do anything productive. Everyone here is worse off because of you. I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul. You son of a bitch.

Eleven children is learning

Ten Trillion Dollar Debt

Nine Pretzels choking

Eight Years of warring

Seven Cheney’s shooting

Six Executed Husseins 

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive Years in Iraq!

Four Hijacked Planes

Three trampled Constitutional Rights!

Two drunken daughters

… And lower taxes for the wealthy.

 

Good luck to Barack Obama. He’s going to need a lot of it.

Also, I’m pretty excited for Joe Biden’s Vice Presidency. He’s going to be the next Dan Quayle.

12 Days of Bush – On the Eleventh Day… January 19, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Uncategorized.
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Bush knows promising fish-people peace is a bold statement. He immediately he had turned that office into a house of lies!

Bush knew that if requested an admission of guilt the press would simply condemn him; for he who smelt it had thusly dealt it.

On the Eleventh Day of Bush that misfit gave to me…

“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”

 

Cats and dogs living together! Mass hysteria!!!!

 

… and lower taxes for the wealthy.

12 Days of Bush – On the Tenth Day of Bush… January 18, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in 12 Days of Bush.
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On the Tenth Day of Bush that bafoon gave to me…

Bush wasn't subtle about asking the players who wanted to do cocaine during half-time.

Bush wasn't subtle about asking the players who wanted to do cocaine during half-time.

“When I was young, I did not see a single soccer match. Where I came from, football wasn’t played. The sport simply did not exist…”

also… 

“The thing that’s wrong with the French is that they don’t have a word for entrepreneur.”

 

What’s wrong with W. is that he doesn’t know the word for common sense. 

Enjoy the Conference Championships.

 

 

And lower taxes for the wealthy.

1 Minute TV Review – The United States of Tara January 17, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Uncategorized.
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The United States of Tara (Showtime), produced by Steven Speilberg and written by annoying ex-stripper and idiotically

I had no idea popsicle sticks could give so much head.

I had no idea popsicle sticks could give so much head.

 self-named Diablo Cody, was not the Summer Heights High rip-off I thought it to be. Instead of a one man show of three different aggravating, selfish, loser characters (can you tell I don’t like Summer Heights High?) United States of Tara is about a family that deals with the mother’s multiple personalities. I enjoyed the scene where the whole family beats up the emo.

 

I hate emos. Maybe I just don’t understand them because I respect my father.

 

Verdict – Awkward but charming.

12 Days of Bush – On the Ninth Day… January 17, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Uncategorized.
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On the Ninth Day of Bush that mental midget gave to me…

Bush had to scratch his ass but he forgot where it was.

Just because you happen not to get enough votes to win Florida doesn't necessarily mean you'd be willing to cheat. Wait... unless you're not named Jeb or George.

“First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren’t necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn’t mean you’re willing to kill.”
Washington DC, 19 May, 2003

They should teach this profound lesson in grammar school to help our children learning proper ethics of morals.

 

… And lower taxes for the wealthy.