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Filmdrunk Found the Stranger in the Alps. March 24, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Uncategorized.
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http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/03/let-the-right-one-in-subtitle-problem

Esoteric Movie Tips – Towelhead. March 17, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Esoteric Movie Tips, movie reviews.
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eckhart

Eckart was not thrilled at how much it actually did resemble his chin.

The E.M.T. is here to revive your slowly dying ability and motivation to find movies that don’t involve computer generated graphics, fat Mall Cops, or Tyler Perry.

Towelhead (Warner Independant) – Available on Netflix, Lackluster.com, cafedvd.com, DVDavenue.com and iTunes. 

‘Towelhead’ is your classic 13 year old hottie turns every dude who isn’t a crazy racist into a foaming at the mouth sleezebag. A story to which we can all relate. Well maybe not all of us. Probably just the 1% of people that are petterasses actually. In fact, it’s pretty disgusting and off-putting, yet alluring. Wait what? It’s terrible. It’s sexy. It’s wrong. It’s sexy. It’s illegal. It’s skin is so soft. Oh my god what has happened!?  Was she askin’ fer it? Probably not.

What this movie demonstrates is the duplicity (sorry if you have to look that up in a dictionary, I know learnin’ is dift-ticult) of Middle Easterners’ experience in the understanding, diverse and intellectual environment of early nineties Texas. A state that’s very progressive when compared to 1930’s Germany. 

Click More for the rest of this fine article about a girls cuming of age story.

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With Me You Only Need 2 Minutes… March 11, 2009

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Most awkward Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting ever.

Most awkward Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting ever.

 

Role Models could have been worse. Not by much though. The first 30 minutes of any movie ever hasn’t been as unfunny as ‘Role Models’ first act. It didn’t even have jokes other than Stiffler wearing a Mini-taur suit and Paul Rudd making fun of Starbucks calling their drink sizes by names that are stupid. The rest of the movie slowly spirals down into full frontal dorkdom. If you happen to enjoy watching other people take part in live action role playing then feel free to watch this movie and then kill yourself with a foam excaliber or shoot many of your classmates with semi-automatic rifles because you’re anti-social and listen to heavy metal music. Extra Intensity: I don’t know how this movie got 76% on rotten tomatoes. I guess that just proves that 75% of movie critics are big fat losers who play with Dungeons and Dragons instead of boobies, also known as fun bags.

Body of Lies is actually worth renting. Some woman may not want to bother because the dreamy Russel Crowe is fat, abrasive, hairy, and always eating. Other woman may want to watch this movie because Russel Crowe is fat, abrasive, hairy, and always eating. Big girls need to obsess over movie stars too.

JCVD is Jean-Claude Van Dammes seemed so comfortable in a roll since Universal Soldier: The Return. Of course in ‘JCVD’ he plays a version of himself that sucks at acting and who’s career goes nowhere.

With Me You Only Need 2 Minutes… March 6, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in movie reviews.
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I’ve been working and have abandoned my child… I have abandoned the stranger in the Alps. So here’s the new version of the Detractor… with me you only need 2 mintues… because I’m so intense… awww yeah.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is prety forgettable.  How many sappy love movies are the Judd Apatow crew going to make? Too many. ‘I Love You, Man’ looks like the next Superbad only older and gayer. Actually, nothing could be gayer than Superbad.

Quarentine is if ‘Cloverfield’ had dirty sex with ’28 Days Later’ and then locked its ugly love child in a small apartment building until everyone exposed to it dies from suffering through plot holes.

Futurama: Beast of a Billion Backs has a billion jokes 50 of which are funny. The movie has a flash of the old style of Futurama and some good chuckles but for the most part the humor has turned to cheesy puns and some ‘Family Guy’ like non-sequiturs.  Wait… no, ‘Family Guy’ stole that from Matt Groening. I hope Seth McFarlane chockes to death on a chunk of his grandmother’s corpse.

speaking of which…

Choke is Chuck Palaknyukka’s (Palahniuk) second novel to hit solenoid and it was as boring as it looked in it’s commercials. Why won’t someone make Invisible Monsters into a movie? You couldn’t make a story about drug addled  super models/transgender freaks boring. Especially if Jessica Biel played the man character, uh, I mean main character. Yeah…

Those dogs are more feminine that Biel. Shit, my penis is more feminine than her vagina. Too far?

Those dogs are more feminine that Biel. Shit, my penis is more feminine than her overies. Too far?