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1 Minute Movie Review – The Girlfriend Experience. May 27, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
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What part of this woman doesn't say Sundance Film Festival?

What part of this woman doesn't say Sundance Film Festival?

The Girlfriend Experience (Magnolia Pictures) – Steven Soderbergh’s films have recieved 13 Oscar nominations and 5 Oscar wins, one for Soderbergh as the director of Traffic. Afterwards he cashed in with the commmercially whorish Ocean’s Eleven trilogy but has returned to making things that don’t suck with a movie about someone who sucks for a living.  The main character is a high-end whore played by the whor-esque pornstar Sasha Grey. Actually, she’s a full-on whore who’s won an award for ‘Best Three Way’ which is now my favorite award for anything, ever. Wait… what was I writing about? Oh yeah… So the The Girlfriend Experience is rather experimental, but not that way. Soderbergh finds new ways to shoot things out of focus and overexposed blah blah blah… there’s no sex in this movie. I know, ridiculous. But it actually worked. This film isn’t for everyone. The plot is slow to pick up, its quiet and serene and it takes a contemplative and existential view of going to bone town for straight duckets, which was the title of my senior thesis at film school. My professor reduced my grade by a letter because I used urban vernacular in the title.

Verdict – Very watchable. Ms. Grey does a good job at playing a whore, huge stretch, but the only way she’ll play Ophelia in a production of Hamlet is if a ten inch penis plays the title character. But if you enjoy a thoughtful period piece/slice of life film, leave the Jergens at home and see this at a theater near you.

You know her birthday wish was for a Duck Butter cake.

You know her birthday wish was for a penis flavored cake... with Duck Butter icing.

Movies to Avoid: A Preview of Movies to Avoid May 22, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Movies to Avoid.
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Because movies don’t come with a warning…

Movies to Avoid This Weekend:

Who's this human in the background? I'll kick his fucking ass! I want you off the fucking set you prick! Don't just be sorry, think for one fucking second!!

Who's this human in the background? I'll kick his fucking ass! I want you off the fucking set you prick! Don't just be sorry, think for one fucking second!! The fuck are you doing!? Are you professional or not!?

Terminator Salvation. aka McTermination the Salvation of Johnny 5!

McG burst onto the director’s chair with a breathtaking music video for Sugar Ray’s ‘Fly’ back in the 90’s. He solidified the respect of Hollywood by directing Charlie’s Angels and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, the latter receiving 7 Razzie nominations the second most for 2003 behind only Gigli starring epic thespians Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. Now he’s directing the 4th installment of the greatest sci-fi film franchise. At first sight the commercials made it seem that McGina hadn’t ruined everything The Govinator and James Cameron had established. Then after seeing the trailer the films’ problems became evident. It’s basically ‘Short Circuit.’ The new terminator thinks its people. Johnny Five is alive! Sorry McG but no one cares if the terminator has feelings. If we acknowledge his feelings next thing you know he gets to vote, drink at the same fountains as me, then marry our children. I will not have Johnny Five as my son-in-law! 

McG's original design for the T-800. He thinks he's people.

McG's original design for the T-800. He thinks he's people.

With a pre-release Rotten Rating of 32% Terminator Salvation looks to be worse the X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Recommendation: rent Short Circuit, which has a better RT rating, and smell a gram of cocaine while wearing snap bracelets and pretend its 1986 again.

To avoid seeing other craptastic celluloid abortions click More… (more…)

One Minute Movie Review – Star Trek May 13, 2009

Posted by Mike in 1 minute movie review, Star Trek.
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Don't pretend you don't want to see these two boning in a zero gravity situation.

Don't pretend you don't want to see these two boning in a zero gravity situation.

AKA, “Beautiful People in Space”. You know, there’s a well-known “curse” on Star Trek movies – the odd-numbered ones suck, while the even-numbered ones are pretty decent, best said by Simon Pegg in his brilliant sit-com “Spaced”, which none of you have seen because you are simply unworthy. This is how you end up with odd-numbered movies about fighting a giant self-aware space cloud and going to the end of the galaxy to meet God. Meanwhile, the even-numbered ones include the classic villian Khan and going back through time in order to bring a humpback whale to 1986 San Francisco. Yes, that’s a thing.

By this logic, the new Star Trek reboot, the 11th in the series, would inevitably have to suck. Yet: it’s rad. Let’s be honest, a good deal of the credit is due to the fact that movie technology has reached a point where the future actually looks badass, as opposed to the original show where (despite it being set in the 2200s) you get to see what people from 1966 thought 1989 was going to look like. Even if the bridge of the Enterprise now looks vaguely reminiscent of an Apple Store.

Shatner upon being told he was not invited back for the new movie.

Shatner upon being told he was not invited back for the new movie.

Look, when I go to a movie, I want it to look good, I want it to sound good, and I want it to kick my ass all over the place. This movie did all that and then some, just further proving that J.J. Abrams is king of the world. Well, universe. Though, it’s possible that after seeing the god-awful trailer for Transformers II before this, I could have watched “I Love Toy Trains” for two hours and been just as entertained.

It also answers the age-old questions: will Iowa in the 2200s have its own Grand Canyon; and will the Beastie Boys still be the music of choice?  Yes and yes. This is a future I will be proud to have died 90 years in advance of.

1 Minute Movie Review: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Weekend Edition) May 8, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
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I cut down trees, I skip and jump. I like to press wild flowers...

I cut down trees, I skip and jump. I like to press wild flowers...

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (20th Century Fox)

Movies better than XMO:W : The Dark Knight, Iron Man, Batman Begins, X-Men, X2: X-Men United, and Point Break.

Movies worse than Wolverine: X-Men The Last Stand, Matrix Revolutions, The Spirit, Soul Plane.

Wolverine may have been just as good as X2 if they didn’t dress Jackman up like an lumberjack looking for a good time at a truck stop. It also would have benefited from limiting the number of ‘holding a dead/dying person and primitively yelling straight up to the sky’ shots to less than one per scene. Fox should just give up and make Marvel Zombies (make sure to watch through the credits for a special cameo!), it’d be less cheesy

Weekend Preview.

Star Trek (Paramount) –  Apparently all the other major studios decided to get out of the Enterprise’s way because there’s only one other movie making a nation wide release this weekend. And that’s exactly what trekkies need; a nice, soothing full release with a happy ending. Because they’re nerds. Who never get any action. Cause they’re nerds. And so far the movie critics are giving it to them by orally pleasuring the 11th installment of the series by slobbering a 96% fresh rating on rottentomatoes.com all over J.J. Abram’s cloverfield. What?

I'm jus sayin', the show was better when it was bout doctorin'. But afta seezin figh, it be like all about J.D. and his love child and got all gay an shit.

I'm jus sayin', the show was better when it was bout doctorin'. But afta seezin figh, it be like all about J.D. and his love child and got all gay an shit.

Next Day Air (Summit Ent.) – Mike Epps, Mos Def, and Donald Faison breakdown racial stereotypes by starring in a film about underachievers who are terrible at their jobs and are also terrible at selling drugs. With a 14% fresh rating MLK  Jr. would be proud. Or devasted. Definitely one of the two.

Recommendation: If its still in a theater near you, go see Adventureland. Or stay home and clean your pee with female hormones and then claim that you were just following doctors orders. See you July 1st Manny!