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Movies to Avoid: A Preview of Movies to Avoid May 22, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Movies to Avoid.
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Because movies don’t come with a warning…

Movies to Avoid This Weekend:

Who's this human in the background? I'll kick his fucking ass! I want you off the fucking set you prick! Don't just be sorry, think for one fucking second!!

Who's this human in the background? I'll kick his fucking ass! I want you off the fucking set you prick! Don't just be sorry, think for one fucking second!! The fuck are you doing!? Are you professional or not!?

Terminator Salvation. aka McTermination the Salvation of Johnny 5!

McG burst onto the director’s chair with a breathtaking music video for Sugar Ray’s ‘Fly’ back in the 90’s. He solidified the respect of Hollywood by directing Charlie’s Angels and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, the latter receiving 7 Razzie nominations the second most for 2003 behind only Gigli starring epic thespians Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. Now he’s directing the 4th installment of the greatest sci-fi film franchise. At first sight the commercials made it seem that McGina hadn’t ruined everything The Govinator and James Cameron had established. Then after seeing the trailer the films’ problems became evident. It’s basically ‘Short Circuit.’ The new terminator thinks its people. Johnny Five is alive! Sorry McG but no one cares if the terminator has feelings. If we acknowledge his feelings next thing you know he gets to vote, drink at the same fountains as me, then marry our children. I will not have Johnny Five as my son-in-law! 

McG's original design for the T-800. He thinks he's people.

McG's original design for the T-800. He thinks he's people.

With a pre-release Rotten Rating of 32% Terminator Salvation looks to be worse the X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Recommendation: rent Short Circuit, which has a better RT rating, and smell a gram of cocaine while wearing snap bracelets and pretend its 1986 again.

To avoid seeing other craptastic celluloid abortions click More…

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

This just in; Ben Stiller and Hank Azaria ruin history and comedy for everyone. 

Recommendation: unless you live with someone who is mentally undeveloped, depends on you for money, food, transportation, is under 4 feet tall and routinely eats ‘Gushers’ or ‘Shark Bites’ then seeing this movie means that you are mentally undeveloped and should  go eat some syrup filled fruit snacks and see this movie with your parents. 

Dance Flick.

From the lessor known nephew of more known Waynes Brothers, Damien Waynes, we are blessed with ‘Dance Flick.’ After acting in hugely successful movies like ‘Malibu’s Most Wanted’ and ‘Man About Town’ (a 2006 Ben Affleck vehicle co-starring Rebecca Romijn which was so awesome 8 people reviewed it and then shot themselves) Damien Waynes wrote, directed, and starred in this rip-off of other rip-offs. Only a Waynes Brother’s Nephew would steal a formula for lampooning formulaic genre movies after said formula proved unsuccessful. 

Recommendation: unless you are a Waynes Brother that owes Damien a favor, skip this flick. But I suppose any theater showing it would make for a nice quiet and private auditorium for a small group of hobos chasing the dragon, wetting themselves and then eating old Jujubes stuck to the underside of the seats. Oh, heroin addles homeless people… when will they learn?

 

Weekend Summation: Don’t go to the movies. If you really have to go see Terminator then go with low expectations. And I mean low like the probability that Lindsay Lohan gets a retroactive Rhodes Scholarship low. Save your money for soon to be released respectable summer blockbusters such as;

The Hangover. This movie looks to have achieved what Judd Apetow and his band of merry men have been trying to do but fail at miserably and consistently. 

Transformers 2. Sure Michael Bay is a douche. His movies are douchey. But damnit! Optimus Prime is in this movie and therefor a must see even if it were animated using crayons, which I’m sure Bay considered until he was told wax doesn’t explode.

Drag Me to Hell. From the man who revolutionized horror (The Evil Dead), created the horror-spoof genre (The Evil Dead 2), then perfected the horror-spoof genre (The Army of Darkness), then sold out (Spiderman 1 and 2), then ruined comic book movies (Spiderman 3) has returned to his roots. The commercials look very ‘meh’ but its got 14 positive reviews out of 14 possible reviews. Based on that alone it’s gotta be better than McTermination the Salvation of Johnny 5!

Public Enemies. Johnny Depp and Christian Bale shooting Tommy Guns. Awesome. Especially when the brainchild is Michael Mann.

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