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Remember the Winamp Visualizer? June 20, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Uncategorized.
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This elevator movie is so much better than any Winamp visualizer you ever saw while eating mushrooms, pizza, pot, beer and ecstasy in between liberal arts classes at UMass Amherst. Click on anything to be linked to video.

Wonderworld? Oh thats past the church of electric light, past the giant baby head with the half man half birdhead guy. If you hit the candy cane forest... you've gone to far. Turn around.

Wonderworld? Oh thats past the church of electric light, past the giant baby head with the half man half birdhead guy. Cross a bridge and you're there. If you hit the candycane forest... you've gone to far. Turn around.

Warning: Soberness may affect the enjoyability (which is kinda like drinkability) of this video.

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Movies to Avoid: A Preview of Movies to Avoid June 12, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Movies to Avoid, Uncategorized.
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Because movies don’t come with a warning…

Movies to Avoid This Weekend:

Taking of Pelham 1,2,3  (Columbia)

I told you man! I'm selling these for me! Not no basketball team. I sell 'em so I can buy more candy, stay off the street and outta gangs. Now! All I have left is Peanut M&Ms and Starbursts. WHO WANTS STARBURSTS!??!

I told you man! I'm selling these for me! Not no basketball team. I sell 'em so I can buy more candy, make more money, stay off the street and outta gangs. Now! All I have left is Peanut M&Ms and Starbursts. WHO WANTS STARBURSTS!??!

Judging from the reviews I read glazed over Tony Scott’s ‘Pelham’ sticks to the original story line and does a decent job of updating the Walter Matthau version, which means its cheasy, predictable and nothing more than a cookie cutter hostage flick. The upside; the cast is heavy with respectable thespians Denzel, Tony Soprano, John Tuturro and Luis Guzman (who’s Luis Guzman? He’s that guy.) So if you think the commercials look intriguing you’ll most likely enjoy the classic 70’s plot and strong acting.

Recommendation: If you enjoy good movies you’ll go see The Hangover instead.

I dunno dad... Brazzer's Pass does have good production quality but the plots are lame... kinda like your movies.

I dunno dad... Brazzer's Pass does have good production quality but the plots are lame... kinda like your movies.

Imagine That (Paramount/Nickelodeon)

Eddie Murphy plays an actor who can’t stop his career downspiral is invited into his daughter’s imaginary world… oh wait, no… I’m sorry Murphy plays a finance executive who can’t stop his career downspiral until his daughter’s imagination blah blah blah Eddie Murphy hasn’t made a funny movie since 1988. No seriously… look at his last 23 movies (Shreks not included) Meet Dave, Norbit, Dreamgirls, The Haunted Mansion, Daddy Day Care, I Spy, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Showtime, Dr. Doolittle 2, The Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps, Bowfinger, Life, Holy Man, Doctor Doolittle, Mulan, Metro, The Nutty Professor, Vampire in Brooklyn, Beverly Hills Cop III, The Distinguished Gentleman, Boomerang, Another 48 Hrs, Harlem Nights. If history dictates anything it will dictate this; Imagine That will either earn Jennifer Hudson an Oscar or it will suck harder than having your mom, brother and nephew killed on the same day.

Recommendation: If your kid had a frontal lobotomy then by all means give your money to Paramount and Nickelodeon. Otherwise go see Pixar’s ‘Up’ a second time.

Two Minute Movie Review: Drag Me to Hell June 4, 2009

Posted by Mike in 1 minute movie review, Drag Me To Hell.
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(Hey, Wilson. Yeah, you. I just posted this and only then did I realize that you did the same thing yesterday. Well, I’m still putting it up. Done.)

You know how there’s some directors where you can turn on just about any of their movies, and you know immediately who it is just by the style? It’s wordy, violent, and pompous? Ahh, that’s a Tarantino. Full of explosions, bad CGI, explosions, ignorance of plot & character development, explosions, and cinematic cancer? That stench can only be coming from Michael Bay-splosions.

Cute. Soaking wet. Digging up corpses. Dream girl?

Cute. Soaking wet. Digging up corpses. Dream girl?

It’s much the same with Drag Me to Hell, which couldn’t have been more Sam Raimi if it had “BY SAM RAIMI” in sub-titles on every frame. Over-the-top cartoon-esque bodily fluids? Check. Doorway to another dimension? Oh, sure. Eyeballs getting squeezed out of a woman’s head? You better believe it. Invisible evil raising havoc with a person all alone in a house? That’s a paddlin’. I mean – yes, definitely.

You almost get the feeling from this that Raimi sat down and said, “you know what? I’m finally going to write Evil Dead 4. But, hey, Bruce? Yeah, I think I’m going to replace you with a cute blonde girl. Uh huh. Sorry about that. How do I sleep at night? On a giant pile of Spiderman-colored money. Take care.” 

I don’t know if I’d say this is worthy to be mentioned in the pantheon of an all-time classic like Evil Dead 2; probably not, because there were some flaws, firstly that the Apple Guy’s father didn’t say “Fuck you, Jobu” (think about it), and secondly that the Apple Guy didn’t die a horrible Ipod-related death.

But know this: I don’t care how much you hate cats. Short of watching an actual feline snuff film, you will never squirm at a kitten-related incident more than you will at this film. Seriously, I’ve never seen so much of a crowd with their hands over their eyes. At least there was Indian Jonah Hill for comic relief!

Now, where did I put that button?

1 Minute Movie Review – Drag Me to Hell June 1, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Uncategorized.
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The traffic on the way to hell is terrifying.

This moment of terror is when Christine realizes her GPS won't reroute her around the traffic jam to hell. Stupid Garmin.

Drag Me to Hell (Universal) – Sam Raimi makes horror fun once again. While Drag Me to Hell lacks the outright silliness of Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness it ups the mockery of horror movies that take themselves too seriously. Hilarious, shockingly disgusting, fun and satisfying, Drag Me to Hell is similar to the first time you had sex only it’s more professional, and it’s better looking.

Verdict – Very Watchable. Not an instant classic like the aforementioned Evil and Army but it does have twice the amount corpse mucas. So there’s that.