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Movies to Avoid: A List of Movies to Avoid November 13, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Movies to Avoid.
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Because movies don’t come with a warning…

Movies to Avoid This Weekend:

Pirate Radio (Studio Canal via Focus Features)

The cast is impressive and enticing. Phillip Seymour Hoffman may be the best male actor in the business as of now,

radio

Studies show when asked if they would nail Phillip Seymour Hoffman 2 of 3 women laugh histerically. The third considers it for the same reason she cut herself in highschool.

Bill Nighy is and will forever be awesome for his role of Phillip in Shaun of the Dead and Kenneth Brannagh, whether you like him or not and percentages suggest that you probably don’t, has talent and is perfect for playing a deuchington that no one likes. Other than that Pirate Radio is a formulaic story that is 100% worth renting on DVD for semi-free on NetFlix while it’s only 50% worth seeing for $12.50 plus price of fifty ounce diabetes flavored soda.

Recommendation: For Seymour Hoffmanphiliacs only. Go see The Messenger instead and be inspired to do something good for this world, unless you aspire to swear on the radio.

2012 (Centropolis Ent. via Columbia Pictures)

Rolland Emmerich keeps getting his films made because movie studios might as well use the special effects they’ve

arts-2012-584

Rob made a top ten list of his favorite natural disasters. He and this child actor were dissapointed that Barry could not be there to disagree with them.

spent billions of dollars developing. This “film” looks so bad it might be good. This theory is supported by these three overtly sexual snipets from semi-legitimate reviewers:

“Master of Disaster Roland Emmerich lives down to his reputation with what amounts to the biggest snuff film of all time.” – John P. McCarthy of ReelTalk Movie Reviews

“The audience paid for money shots, and money shots are what they get.” – Rob Vaux of Mania.com

“This isn’t disaster porn, it’s a disaster gang-bang.” – Scott Von Doviak of culturevulture.net

I should do more drugs to keep up the level of depravity that my peers are churning out.

Recommendation: Avoid at all costs unless you’re interested in a comedy. With a 37% rottentomatoes rating before its release it’s obvious that even the critics being paid to give it a good review won’t give it a good review. The safe bet is on this movie being worse than Rolland’s Godzirra. Go see Fantastic Mr. Fox. It will probably be funnier and less soul shattering as Wes Anderson should be allowed to make movies unlike Rollan Smellerich. See what I did there? I commbined smelly and Emmerich. C’mon, what do you want from me? Not every director’s last name lends it self to mockery like M. Night Shamalamasuckssweatydonkeyballsandthenmakesmoviesaboutwindkillingpeople.

The Mirage in a Vast Wasteland – The League Week 3 November 13, 2009

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The League (FX) – Thursdays at 10:30 and 11:30pm.

It appears that week 2 of the League was a trick play and the viewers just had the Statue of Liberty play run down the field all over them like that sophomore girl that was invited to Prom by that senior guy who was just short of being nominated for Prom King. She couldn’t say no. He was in the running to be in the running for Prom King. In the end, she should have said no. That guy ruined a perfectly good dress that she was never going to wear again which made her cry even though she was never going to wear the dress again anyway.

Sorry, too much ether last night.

The League failed to conjure multiple laughs after abandoning the successful strategy of using three dirty, naughty, awesome themes to make as many inappropriate jokes as possible.

Grade: D+  Intensely boring. At least they called Frank Gore getting hurt. The only reason to watch week for is that it’s still drafting behind It’s Always Sunny… twice in one night.

The Oasis in a Vast Wasteland – The League Week 2 November 10, 2009

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The League (FX) – Thursdays at 10:30 and 11:30pm.

Last week The League premiered and sucked. This week The League did not suck and was quite entertaining. Pilot

league

This may be the greatest combination for a man's solitary sex life since Jergens and Puffs Plus. Now you can be physically fit, avoid chaffing and be relaxed.

episodes are either the best episode of a show’s rookie season (Sopranos) or it’s a lackluster representation of a decent show that’s worth watching (Scrubs, The Simpsons). Two episodes is a tiny sample size and the future for this show remains uncertain. However, The League’s second showing took three themes and hammered out as many jokes as it could and it worked. Normally this strategy equals annoying repetition with a hand-off to boredom. But the themes The League picked were: jerking off to pornography, guys who nail the same women and vagina pride. All of which are funny and not discussed in such detail and with fervor on other shows. Fantasy football rides the pine for most of the game but subs in when needed and it works out. If The League continues to bring funny jokes about racy topics and ram them down your throat for 22 minutes then this show will have lofty expectations and will need to avoid the dreaded sophomore slump. If is a strong word when trying to hold onto some hope for a show that is based on a gimmick but The League may turn into a Cinderella story.

Grade: B  A second chance has turned into a third chance. On third and short will The League convert?* Would have been a B+ but there’s a trade that’s too preposterous even for blackmail. A show about fantasy football should know better.
*The stranger guarantees way less lame football references down the line.

The Oasis in a Vast Wasteland November 10, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in The Oasis in a Vast Wasteland.
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It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia – Solid as usual. Plus they added 6 times the normal amount of large boobs. Frank

sunny

Lindsay Lohan x Amy Winehouse = The loveliness of Dennis in a man thong. Gross.

continues to be the most absurd character in live action television. His hair is beyond bed head and it embraces the fashion of the homeless. Kudos to you sir.

Grade: B+  It’s nice to see the gang back to a full episode of arguing.

Community – An excellent showing from my new favorite show that isn’t Curb Your Enthusiasm. This week unfortunately featured another weak opening but fully recovered with such amazing things as: an AIDS joke, a suicide note joke, a Brian Williams joke, a racist Michael Richards (the janitor from Weird Al Yankovic’s UHF)  joke and finally, a delicious herpes joke.

Grade: A-  Abed continues to entertain no matter what he does or says. McHale doing an Abed impersonation is entertainment squared.

Click More… For wrap ups of The Office, 30 Rock and South Park. Or be forced to not know if other people agree with you. (more…)

Reader Request November 10, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Reader Request.
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A Preview of Sherlock Holmes (Warner Bros – Village Roadshow Pictures) has been requested by a reader – Directed by Guy Ritchie – Starring RDJ, Jude Law, Rachel McAdams – Written by Michael Robert Johnson (this is his first go-round), Anthony Peckham (2001’s Don’t Say a Word and the upcoming new Clint Eastwood flick) and Simon Kenberg (wrote Jumper, X-Men’s Last Stand, Mr. & Mrs. Smith and XxX: State of the Union)

holmes

Ritchie is clearly trying to hammer down the sought after female/gay dude/sadist demographic which is the third largest demographic right after males 18-35 and female tweens.

Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes looks to be following the template of 2004’s Van Helsing; take a classic literary character, cast good looking guy with hot girl, turn into action movie, print money. Holmes probably won’t be as bad as Helsing… well, it WON’T be as bad as Helsing. Nothing is bad as Van Helsing. Herpes is better than that movie. Herpes with HIV filling isn’t as bad as that monumental disastrous raping of a literary icon. However Ritchie’s reinvention (re-envisioning?) of England’s second most famous sleuth seems to be a little, just a tad, geared toward a larger audience than the original character created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

In the original stories Holmes and Watson rarely used weapons. Holmes only used his cane twice as a weapon over the course of four novels and a multitude of short stories, according to the Almighty. He and Watson did in fact pack heat and engaged into the occasional pastime of fisticuffs but for the most part Holmes stuck to his favorites: talking, thinking, and doing drugs. The talking and the thinking will definitely play in the new film but the drug use isn’t tween friendly and it’s rated PG-13 which is lame.

Overall this film looks to be a slight perversion of the Holmes character and story style but will most likely be a blockbuster popcorn flick that will satisfy many a fan. Especially the ladies. Face it… this movie is designed to have enough action and violence for the gents and enough hunky man nipples for the bitches, I mean ladies.

There are 5 reasons to see this movie: RDJ, explosions,  RDJ, your girlfriend will probably see it with you, and RDJ.

There are 8 reasons not to see this movie: Guy Ritchie*, Jude Law, Simon Kenberg, partial male nudity, English accents, a PG-13 rating, your girlfriend will probably see it with you and then pretend your penis is RDJ’s penis the next time she lets you touch her in the pants-pants. AND IT’S CO-WRITTEN BY THE GUY WHO WROTE XxX: STATE OF THE FUCKING UNION!

* I know some people like Guy Ritchie’s films but then again Dancing with the Stars is the most popular television show right now.

Nice Job ESPN November 5, 2009

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espn

Is there no one at ESPN to stop and take thirty seconds to say "Maybe we shouldn't be this racist. We might give Connecticut a bad name"? Clearly, they don't.