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Movies to Avoid: A List of Movies to Avoid November 13, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Movies to Avoid.
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Because movies don’t come with a warning…

Movies to Avoid This Weekend:

Pirate Radio (Studio Canal via Focus Features)

The cast is impressive and enticing. Phillip Seymour Hoffman may be the best male actor in the business as of now,

radio

Studies show when asked if they would nail Phillip Seymour Hoffman 2 of 3 women laugh histerically. The third considers it for the same reason she cut herself in highschool.

Bill Nighy is and will forever be awesome for his role of Phillip in Shaun of the Dead and Kenneth Brannagh, whether you like him or not and percentages suggest that you probably don’t, has talent and is perfect for playing a deuchington that no one likes. Other than that Pirate Radio is a formulaic story that is 100% worth renting on DVD for semi-free on NetFlix while it’s only 50% worth seeing for $12.50 plus price of fifty ounce diabetes flavored soda.

Recommendation: For Seymour Hoffmanphiliacs only. Go see The Messenger instead and be inspired to do something good for this world, unless you aspire to swear on the radio.

2012 (Centropolis Ent. via Columbia Pictures)

Rolland Emmerich keeps getting his films made because movie studios might as well use the special effects they’ve

arts-2012-584

Rob made a top ten list of his favorite natural disasters. He and this child actor were dissapointed that Barry could not be there to disagree with them.

spent billions of dollars developing. This “film” looks so bad it might be good. This theory is supported by these three overtly sexual snipets from semi-legitimate reviewers:

“Master of Disaster Roland Emmerich lives down to his reputation with what amounts to the biggest snuff film of all time.” – John P. McCarthy of ReelTalk Movie Reviews

“The audience paid for money shots, and money shots are what they get.” – Rob Vaux of Mania.com

“This isn’t disaster porn, it’s a disaster gang-bang.” – Scott Von Doviak of culturevulture.net

I should do more drugs to keep up the level of depravity that my peers are churning out.

Recommendation: Avoid at all costs unless you’re interested in a comedy. With a 37% rottentomatoes rating before its release it’s obvious that even the critics being paid to give it a good review won’t give it a good review. The safe bet is on this movie being worse than Rolland’s Godzirra. Go see Fantastic Mr. Fox. It will probably be funnier and less soul shattering as Wes Anderson should be allowed to make movies unlike Rollan Smellerich. See what I did there? I commbined smelly and Emmerich. C’mon, what do you want from me? Not every director’s last name lends it self to mockery like M. Night Shamalamasuckssweatydonkeyballsandthenmakesmoviesaboutwindkillingpeople.

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