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Good Actors, Bad Movies – A Cool Breeze over a Shitty River November 5, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in Good Actors Bad Movies.
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Bruce Willis. Action star. Icon. Ambassador for the bald. Predecessor to Ashton Kutcher. Good actor.

Heeeey! I'm Jo-zeee's fuckin' finest you fuckin' fuck douche bag fuck!

Heeeey! I'm Jo-zeeee's fuckin' finest you fuckin' fuck douche bag fuck! You like my fuckin' set a earins?


…bad writer. In 1988 Willis was god. A year after launching his movie career with ‘Blind Date’ he immortalized himself as John McClain in possibly the best classic action film ever. In 1991 Bruce was hot off the heals of ‘Bonfire of the Vanities’ and ‘Mortal Thoughts.’ Both terrible celluloid disasters and hated by everyone. So what does Bruce do to turn his career back to respectability…he writes a movie based around a song he wrote with some dude (Robert Kraft) that they conceptualized around a term Bruce made up when he was a teenager. A sure fire recipe for a respectable film! Much like Seth Rogan’s ‘Pineapple Express’, ‘Hudson Hawk’ got it’s title from a term for an airstream. A ‘hawk’ is a little known term for a a cold winter wind over a river. The ‘Hudson’ is fecal infested dredge that separates New Jersey from New York, or as some say, it’s the moat that protects New York City from Jerseyites. I suggest watching the short film posted after the jump to fully understand New Jersey, the state that class forgot. (more…)


Good Actors, Bad Movies – Anna Faris is Funnier than You September 2, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in Good Actors Bad Movies.
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‘Just Friends’ (2005) is a Christmas story of Chris Brander (Ryan Reynolds) and his unrequited love for his high school BFF, Jamie Palimino (Amy Smart). It’s another mediocre Romantic Comedy/Family Christmas flick that could be overlooked if it wasn’t for its funniest character; Samantha James, played by Anna Faris.  Ms. Samantha James is a vapid, psychotic, obsessive, and talentless pop singer, kinda like Britney Spears, only without the whole Down-Syndrome look. Samantha’s career booms after her deliciously tasteful poster (pictured below) becomes the best selling poster in all of capitalism. Faris’ performance is just an impression of the America’s worst mom, but it is one of the best female comedic performances since Madeline Kahn in ‘Blazing Saddles,’ a 34 year gap.

This sundae is missing just one topping...

This sundae is missing just one topping...

Fact; women don’t get prominent, funny parts in Hollywood anymore. Try and think of one. Think of all the funny movies that have come out in the past decade. All of them star dudes like Will Ferrel, Steve Carrel, Ben Stiller, the fat kid from ‘Superbad’ or Jack Black (wait…Jack Black isn’t funny.) Ellen Page in ‘Juno’ is a borderline exception to the rule. She performed well enough but it was all deadpanned lines that relied on smart ‘n sassy dialogue. Amy Poehler did, kinda, break the mold in ‘Mr. Woodcock’ as Stifler’s alcoholic, bitchfest-agent, but she only has 15 minutes of screen time. This leaves Faris as the only woman acting in Hollywood getting roles that lets her flex her funny muscles [Ed. note: Heh, heh…funny muscle] in a true leading role.