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1 Minute Movie Review – The Expendables August 30, 2010

Posted by Mitch Kayak in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
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In the real world, both his shoulders would be dislocated

Holy crap. Seriously, holy fucking crap. That is all I thought walking out of this movie. It has some of the worst dialogue, acting,  and special effects ever created. Yet, on some level I enjoyed it. I think it mostly has to do with Terry Crews showing up with some sort of automatic shotgun and killing everything on-screen.

I’m not even going to do a recap of what happens in this movie because it really doesn’t matter. All you have to know is that if you were a young boy in the late 80s and early 90s you will probably like this movie.  Do not under any circumstances bring your wife/girlfriend/hooker to this movie. They will hate you for wasting their time and look at you with disgust when you tell them you strangely enjoyed it.

To wrap up my quick review, let me just break down one thing for you. Most of the movie takes place on a made up island called Vilena. At some point someone mentions that the island has 6,000 people on it. I’ve thought about it and I assumed that there was probably 1 solider for every 10 people on the island. So the climatic scene is five heavily armed guys against 600 heavily armed soldiers.  I tried to count how many people the five heavily armed men killed but I lost count somewhere around the 20th knife that Jason Statham launched through someone’s neck (how many knives did he bring??). So I’m going to assume that they killed 400 people. They killed 67% of this small island’s army.  That sums up this movie pretty well.

Oh and also Stone Cold Steve Austin catches on fire and Randy Couture kicks him in the face WHILE HE IS ON FIRE.



1 Minute Movie Review – Inception July 27, 2010

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
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Apparently Inception feels like the morning after your first night at college. Putting things in your brain make for flippery sloors.

Inception (Warner Bros)

Inception is the only summer blockbuster that’s worth paying eighteen dollars to see in IMAX in 2010. Well, such an expensive trip to the theater is hardly defensible but in New York Shitty no price tag is based in reality. The story’s complexity, the cinematography’s lusciousness and the expert acting make Nolan’s 10 year brainstorm one of the few action movies with an IQ above Michael Bay’s leather jacket. Even though it suffers from typical action/sci-fi pitfalls, like the endless stream of henchman unable to properly aim a gun at someone’s face and it requires the suspension of your disbelief and knowledge that most dreams just involve nonsense fit for a Teletubbies episode, Christopher Nolan pieces together a movie that’s classically imaginative and fun. Lastly, like a great detective story the viewer is supposed to piece the puzzle together as they watch to figure out the big question at the end.

Verdict: Very Watchable. M. Night Shyama-Please Stop Making Awful Movies-lan needs to watch this flick and learn. Nolan managed to have 4 plot lines occur simultaneously without making it superfluous or needlessly confusing. Plus, Leo is just dreamy… ugh, I don’t feel good about that joke but hey… I’ve yet to wake up today.

Complaints I heard from friends: “Too confusing”, “not confusing enough”, “It didn’t make me emotionally invested in the main character.”

Praise I heard from friends: “It kicked ass and I loved it.”

SPOILER ALERT DISCUSSION OF THE ENDING AFTER JUMP (and by spoiler alert I mean this will ruin the movie entirely)


1 Minute Movie Review – Predators July 10, 2010

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
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Have you ever wondered if an alien race would take the term "skull fuck" too literally? Adrien Brody has.

Predators (20th Century Fox)

Nimrod Antal’s “Predators” gets back to the basics of the original and does a decent job as an action flick. There’s some laughs, some unintentional laughs, good amount of gore and a musical score that’s nearly identical to Alan Silvestri’s composition for Arnold v Predator. The CD of soundtrack of that score runs $200 plus on amazon.com. So stealing it was a good idea as it helps the audience forgive them for skimping on fake explosions and a few other things.

Verdict: Watchable. It doesn’t match the original but it doesn’t embarrass the franchise.  Lovers of the Govenator’s best action movie will dig it a bit more than others. The reason for that is a few direct homages to the original. So… c’mon. Do it. Do it now. /listens to Little Richard’s Long Tall Sally.

Director: Nimròd Antal (ArmoredVacancy which is a decent genre flick) Producers: Robert Rodriguez (All sorts of action movies) and John Davis (All Predator movies, Grumpy Old Men, Marmaduke)

Fun questions to consider while being forced to watch commercials at a movie theater before Predators: Will the black guy die first for the first time in the series? Will a female cast member in a major role ruin the movie like in Predator 2? Will Eric Foreman ever go to college?

1 Minute Movie Review – Shutter Island (Weekend Preview Edition) February 25, 2010

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review.
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You know Mark, with all due respect, your brother was kinda douchey anyway.

Shutter Island (Paramount) – Leonardo DiCaprio runs around an island off of Massachusetts while trying to improve his Boston accent, which he didn’t, trying to find a mental hospital escapee. Mark Ruffalo tags along because if a movie is set in the 1950s then Mark Ruffalo’s automatically cast. Shutter Island has lots of flashbacks, corny dialogue and stupid haircuts. Ben Kingsly however continues to make bald beautiful and corny dialogue sound majestic. But the meat and potatoes of the film is the twist. Martin Scorcese takes his own slant on the surprise ending but not in a clever or non-completely predictable way. Shame on you Mr. Scorcese for making M. Night Shamalyamayam look like he’s good at what he does.

Verdict: Predictable twist ending + longest reveal ever = a surprising disappointment.

Weekend Preview

Cop Out (Warner Brothers) Kevin Smith is back with another comedy that’s not as good, interesting or original as ‘Clearks’.

So me, Stifler and John McClain have to go rescue the nun from Nacho Libre? We better bring toast...

The commercials make this movie look as appealing as a hot waxing after a long day in a tanning bed. But by the look of the red band trailer it’s obvious that the TV commercials contain the only material that isn’t R rated. So maybe it won’t be the worst movie Kevin Smith ever made because to be worse than Jersey Girl usually requires Liv Tyler’s amazing thespian talent. And besides, the smoking hot nun from Nacho Libre is in it… so, maybe there will be a taste of the glory! See what it tastes like.

The Crazies (Overture) Tim Olyphant and family try to survive non-un-dead zombies while the military kills everything that moves. With a pre-release rottentomato rating of 88% it’s probably more intriguing than being just another horror movie but post release the rating will be deflated and it will rightfully be a 65%-72% type movie. But for a horror movie a 70% fresh rating is like an Oscar.

Recommendation: Check out The Crazies. It takes a cool genre and makes it less camp. Could be worse.

1 Minute Movie Review – Where the Wild Things Are October 24, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
What fully aroused it's this big. It could crush you and your self confidence. Now stop asking about it.

When fully aroused it's this big. It could crush you and your self confidence. Now stop asking me about it.

Where the Wild Things Are (Warner Bro’s)

Spike Jonze turns the kids book into an adult film (record scratch). Well, its more a film for adults. No wait. that’s doesn’t sound quite right either. Jonze has made a grown up film that deals with the emotions and tribulations of being a child and how even as adults we still struggle to dominate them but that at the end that’s okay because its a task we all have to handle. The best way to describe it is to compare it to a stage play. The movie is dependent on mature dialogue that crisply outlines plot, allegory, and character development rather than using lots of fantastical action, violence or cheap scares. Though it does have a dash of each. So if you go see it be prepared to learn something about anger, family and giant furry costumes at a calm pace.

Verdict – Watchable. Insightful with out beating you about your furry monster to get the point across. And it’s touching… aaaaawww yeah. Also the voice talent of Tony Soprano, Catherine O’Hare, Chris Cooper, Ghost Dog and the red head chick from Six Feet Under do a great job.

Director: Spike Jonze. Producers: Tom Hanks and others. Writers: Jonze and Dave Eggers (Who wrote A Heart Breaking of Staggering Genius and The Wild Things)

Two Minute Movie Review: Drag Me to Hell June 4, 2009

Posted by Mike in 1 minute movie review, Drag Me To Hell.
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(Hey, Wilson. Yeah, you. I just posted this and only then did I realize that you did the same thing yesterday. Well, I’m still putting it up. Done.)

You know how there’s some directors where you can turn on just about any of their movies, and you know immediately who it is just by the style? It’s wordy, violent, and pompous? Ahh, that’s a Tarantino. Full of explosions, bad CGI, explosions, ignorance of plot & character development, explosions, and cinematic cancer? That stench can only be coming from Michael Bay-splosions.

Cute. Soaking wet. Digging up corpses. Dream girl?

Cute. Soaking wet. Digging up corpses. Dream girl?

It’s much the same with Drag Me to Hell, which couldn’t have been more Sam Raimi if it had “BY SAM RAIMI” in sub-titles on every frame. Over-the-top cartoon-esque bodily fluids? Check. Doorway to another dimension? Oh, sure. Eyeballs getting squeezed out of a woman’s head? You better believe it. Invisible evil raising havoc with a person all alone in a house? That’s a paddlin’. I mean – yes, definitely.

You almost get the feeling from this that Raimi sat down and said, “you know what? I’m finally going to write Evil Dead 4. But, hey, Bruce? Yeah, I think I’m going to replace you with a cute blonde girl. Uh huh. Sorry about that. How do I sleep at night? On a giant pile of Spiderman-colored money. Take care.” 

I don’t know if I’d say this is worthy to be mentioned in the pantheon of an all-time classic like Evil Dead 2; probably not, because there were some flaws, firstly that the Apple Guy’s father didn’t say “Fuck you, Jobu” (think about it), and secondly that the Apple Guy didn’t die a horrible Ipod-related death.

But know this: I don’t care how much you hate cats. Short of watching an actual feline snuff film, you will never squirm at a kitten-related incident more than you will at this film. Seriously, I’ve never seen so much of a crowd with their hands over their eyes. At least there was Indian Jonah Hill for comic relief!

Now, where did I put that button?

1 Minute Movie Review – The Girlfriend Experience. May 27, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
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What part of this woman doesn't say Sundance Film Festival?

What part of this woman doesn't say Sundance Film Festival?

The Girlfriend Experience (Magnolia Pictures) – Steven Soderbergh’s films have recieved 13 Oscar nominations and 5 Oscar wins, one for Soderbergh as the director of Traffic. Afterwards he cashed in with the commmercially whorish Ocean’s Eleven trilogy but has returned to making things that don’t suck with a movie about someone who sucks for a living.  The main character is a high-end whore played by the whor-esque pornstar Sasha Grey. Actually, she’s a full-on whore who’s won an award for ‘Best Three Way’ which is now my favorite award for anything, ever. Wait… what was I writing about? Oh yeah… So the The Girlfriend Experience is rather experimental, but not that way. Soderbergh finds new ways to shoot things out of focus and overexposed blah blah blah… there’s no sex in this movie. I know, ridiculous. But it actually worked. This film isn’t for everyone. The plot is slow to pick up, its quiet and serene and it takes a contemplative and existential view of going to bone town for straight duckets, which was the title of my senior thesis at film school. My professor reduced my grade by a letter because I used urban vernacular in the title.

Verdict – Very watchable. Ms. Grey does a good job at playing a whore, huge stretch, but the only way she’ll play Ophelia in a production of Hamlet is if a ten inch penis plays the title character. But if you enjoy a thoughtful period piece/slice of life film, leave the Jergens at home and see this at a theater near you.

You know her birthday wish was for a Duck Butter cake.

You know her birthday wish was for a penis flavored cake... with Duck Butter icing.

One Minute Movie Review – Star Trek May 13, 2009

Posted by Mike in 1 minute movie review, Star Trek.
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Don't pretend you don't want to see these two boning in a zero gravity situation.

Don't pretend you don't want to see these two boning in a zero gravity situation.

AKA, “Beautiful People in Space”. You know, there’s a well-known “curse” on Star Trek movies – the odd-numbered ones suck, while the even-numbered ones are pretty decent, best said by Simon Pegg in his brilliant sit-com “Spaced”, which none of you have seen because you are simply unworthy. This is how you end up with odd-numbered movies about fighting a giant self-aware space cloud and going to the end of the galaxy to meet God. Meanwhile, the even-numbered ones include the classic villian Khan and going back through time in order to bring a humpback whale to 1986 San Francisco. Yes, that’s a thing.

By this logic, the new Star Trek reboot, the 11th in the series, would inevitably have to suck. Yet: it’s rad. Let’s be honest, a good deal of the credit is due to the fact that movie technology has reached a point where the future actually looks badass, as opposed to the original show where (despite it being set in the 2200s) you get to see what people from 1966 thought 1989 was going to look like. Even if the bridge of the Enterprise now looks vaguely reminiscent of an Apple Store.

Shatner upon being told he was not invited back for the new movie.

Shatner upon being told he was not invited back for the new movie.

Look, when I go to a movie, I want it to look good, I want it to sound good, and I want it to kick my ass all over the place. This movie did all that and then some, just further proving that J.J. Abrams is king of the world. Well, universe. Though, it’s possible that after seeing the god-awful trailer for Transformers II before this, I could have watched “I Love Toy Trains” for two hours and been just as entertained.

It also answers the age-old questions: will Iowa in the 2200s have its own Grand Canyon; and will the Beastie Boys still be the music of choice?  Yes and yes. This is a future I will be proud to have died 90 years in advance of.

1 Minute Movie Review: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Weekend Edition) May 8, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
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I cut down trees, I skip and jump. I like to press wild flowers...

I cut down trees, I skip and jump. I like to press wild flowers...

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (20th Century Fox)

Movies better than XMO:W : The Dark Knight, Iron Man, Batman Begins, X-Men, X2: X-Men United, and Point Break.

Movies worse than Wolverine: X-Men The Last Stand, Matrix Revolutions, The Spirit, Soul Plane.

Wolverine may have been just as good as X2 if they didn’t dress Jackman up like an lumberjack looking for a good time at a truck stop. It also would have benefited from limiting the number of ‘holding a dead/dying person and primitively yelling straight up to the sky’ shots to less than one per scene. Fox should just give up and make Marvel Zombies (make sure to watch through the credits for a special cameo!), it’d be less cheesy

Weekend Preview.

Star Trek (Paramount) –  Apparently all the other major studios decided to get out of the Enterprise’s way because there’s only one other movie making a nation wide release this weekend. And that’s exactly what trekkies need; a nice, soothing full release with a happy ending. Because they’re nerds. Who never get any action. Cause they’re nerds. And so far the movie critics are giving it to them by orally pleasuring the 11th installment of the series by slobbering a 96% fresh rating on rottentomatoes.com all over J.J. Abram’s cloverfield. What?

I'm jus sayin', the show was better when it was bout doctorin'. But afta seezin figh, it be like all about J.D. and his love child and got all gay an shit.

I'm jus sayin', the show was better when it was bout doctorin'. But afta seezin figh, it be like all about J.D. and his love child and got all gay an shit.

Next Day Air (Summit Ent.) – Mike Epps, Mos Def, and Donald Faison breakdown racial stereotypes by starring in a film about underachievers who are terrible at their jobs and are also terrible at selling drugs. With a 14% fresh rating MLK  Jr. would be proud. Or devasted. Definitely one of the two.

Recommendation: If its still in a theater near you, go see Adventureland. Or stay home and clean your pee with female hormones and then claim that you were just following doctors orders. See you July 1st Manny!

1 Minute Movie Review – Gran Torino. The 2 Minute Director’s Cut January 23, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in 1 minute movie review, movie reviews.
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Normally this is where I'd make fun of Eastwood for having a face that resembles a woman's anatomy but I'm scared that he'll stomp my face into a curb while reminding me that I'm a nancy girl.

Normally the caption would make fun of the star of the movie but I'm scared that Eastwood'll stomp my face into a curb while reminding me that I'm a pussy and a ginger, mick potato lover. Mmmm... potatoes.

Gran Torino (Warner Bros.) is racism squared multiplied by the square root of racial slurs MINUS bigotry plus unintentional hilarity, and twirling… always twirling towards freedom. Seriously though, Eastwood brings his geriatric cowboy/Dirty Harry persona to a Korean neighborhood and spends 2 hours calling everyone ‘zipperhead’. This would be uncalled for and offensive if it wasn’t coming out of an old man with his pants lifted above his bellybutton who then saves all the aforementioned zipperheads from gang violence. He’s like Archie Bunker with guns, chewing tobacco and shitty classic car.

Verdict – Very Watchable. Eastwood is a badass crotchedy old man who makes ya laugh, and he makes ya sad. The touching end of the film had the audience dead silent and there were multiple people weeping. Not me though, I was still laughing at the rampant racism.