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the Downright Vindictive Detractor of DVDs – The Land of the Lost October 21, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in D.V.D. reviews..., movie reviews.
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In a land of man lizards and dinosaurs McBride, Ferrel and Friel were more surprised and disgusted by the Black Eyed Peas DirectTV commercial. Makes me want to vomit just thinking about it.

In a land of man lizards and dinosaurs McBride, Ferrel and Friel were more surprised and disgusted by the Black Eyed Peas DirectTV commercial. Makes me want to vomit just thinking about it.

Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions? the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.

The Land of the Lost (2009) – Will Ferrell and Danny McBride get lost in the past, present and future land of cro magnon men, humoid lizards and pineapple flavored heroin. That’s right, the H Train in fruit form. Overall The Land of the Lost is disappointing. Though since no one anticipated it to be entertaining then it has a surprising amount of laughs. Ferrell is a watered down version of Ricky Bobby, Chaz Michael Michaels, Ron Burgendy, and/or Jackie Moon. He manages to squeeze out a couple choice lines like exclaiming ‘Captain Kirks nipples!’ when caught off guard. Danny McBride mostly struggles through the 90 minutes and doesn’t bring anything special to the screen. The special effects are better than a direct to DVD sci-fi fair, not by much but they suffice. That dude from Lonely Island puts down the best performance of all the actors as the mongaloid ‘Chaka’ which gets most of his laughs from grabbing Anna Friel’s boob. That should sum up how watered down the comedy is in Will Ferrell’s latest flick. A monkey grabbing a semi-hot English lady’s boob.

Verdict – For Ferrellfiles only. Or if you have an eighth that you need to smoke before the sun comes up and you’ve already watched seasons 1 through 3 of Arrested Development and need to wind down by watching something dumb before eating your 20th bowl of cereal. Mmmmm… Reese’s Peanut Butter Puffs…

Downright Vindictive Detractor Extras:

This movie got people fired from high paying jobs while simultaneously pissing off anti-smoking advocates. Hmmm, Will Ferrell, while being not quite as funny as he should be, got doucheington Hollywood douches fired from jobs they don’t deserve but also got douchier anti-smoking advocates press… I guess that’s a wash. Seriously, AMAA stop telling smokers to not smoke. They know it’s horrible for them. They know it makes them smell like a frat house basement and taste like Amy Winehouse. But damn it, tobacco can be delicious and provides a quick, cheap buzz. Not to mention it’s been a part of human society since before complaining was invented by the British.

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Downright Vindictive Detractor of DVDs – Wanted December 11, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in D.V.D. reviews..., movie reviews, Uncategorized.
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Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions? the Downright, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.

Wanted (Universal) – Angelina Jolie as Morpheus, only white, and with boobs, and with huge lips. Wait…nevermind.

Available on Netflix, Lackluster, DvDAvenue.com, Cafedvd.com and iTunes.

From the brilliant Russian auteur Timur Bekmambetov comes Wanted, another movie to remove everything that was cool and respectable from its source material for the sake of, well, ruining the movies. Bekmanbetov broke out as a director making Roger Corman’s ‘The Arena”. Who’s end scene can be viewed <here> and results in one of the world’s finest ‘uh-oh’ faces, not to be confused with the ‘O face’ I showed the new chick from Logistics. As for Timur’s coup de grace, ‘Wanted’…

Two of these peoples deserve to be in movies. The other is Common.

Two of these peoples deserve to be in movies. The other is Common.

this movie is terrible. Don’t rent it. To save yourself two hours and five bucks just close your eyes and imagine The Matrix crossed with Star Wars crossed with Kill Bill Vol 1. I have never read the comic book ‘Wanted’ nor do I want to read it. Why? Becaue it’s about A FRATERNITY OF WEAVERS! Imagine if the Jedi decided which Sith to kill by looking at fucking blankets. Would you still  love Yoda? Or would you think Yoda was a sissy that deserved wedgies and swirlies instead of light sabers and telekinesis? What if the Bride decided to kill the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad because Morgan Freeman told her that a quilt had a series of screwed up threads that when translated through binary code spelled out ‘Lucy Lui’? Would you even bother to watch these movies?

Read More to find out your answers to these questions… (more…)

Downright Vindictive Detractor reviews Hancock November 26, 2008

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Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.

Hancock (Columbia Pictures) – Will Smith as a black superhero… that’s a bum and an alcoholic. Typical. Way to set back African-Americans by another decade, Will.

Available on Netflix, Lackluster.com and iTunes.

Hancock ponders how to rescue Whoopie Goldberg from beaching herself.

Hancock ponders how to rescue Whoopie Goldberg from beaching herself.

If you have internet or a television then you already know the basic set-up of the movie , so I won’t waste a second of the five minutes that you’ve decided not to do anything at work to read this. In fact I bet you’ve come to this page because you’re boss had the I.T. dweebs block GaySpace from your office.

More if you click ‘More’ (more…)

DVD Review – Hell Boy 2 and Journey to the Center of the Earth November 18, 2008

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gay-fraser

The Encino Man encased in Blue Steele

Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Dowright, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.


It’s getting cold out and with Thanksgiving just a week away there’s no reason necessary to stay in and make sweet love to your TV with your eyes. So before you completely leave quality off your qualifications for a movie to Netflix read up on two of Hollywood’s biggest plastic offerings: “Hell Boy 2” and “Journey to the Center of the Earth”

Journey to the Center of the Earth – Brendan Fraser (pronounced Fray-Sir) plays Indiana Jones without cajones.

This movie starts with the quality and the feel of a WB sitcom and finishes with an Ed Wood style special effects bonanza/disaster. This movie is the finest piece of adventure since ‘American Ninja‘ starring
Michael Dudikoff. The emotionally charged story tells the tale of a college professor who teaches at a non-specific Boston school of “higher” education with a dead brother and a fatherless nephew played by Josh Hutcherson. Fray-sir spends the entirety of the movie trying to be the replacement father for his loser nephew and produces negative amounts of chemistry with Hutcherson. Jeff Goldblum had a better back and forth with a Tyranasaurus Rex in “Jurassic Park.”

Seriously the original Looney Toones, even the unedited ones with the racist jokes against black people and the Asians, had more cinematic integrity than “Journey…”  The dialogue sucks, the story sucks, the acting is laughable especially everything Brendan Frascher says while playing a main character that’s an annoying, stupid, jackass version of Indiana Jones and lastly, I’ve seen car commercials with better special effects. Hell, my living room couch has better special effects.

Verdict – Unwatchable. I dare you two waste 90 minutes of your life on this movie. (more…)

Deceptively Vindictive Detractor of D.V.D.s – The Anti-Halloween Edition November 3, 2008

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Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.
Contrary to production stills this film has nothing to do with menstral cycles.
Contrary to production stills this film has nothing to do with menstrual cycles.

Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?

the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.

The Fall (2006) – Tarsem Singh bases a film on Arabian paintings. A dubious idea at best.

Mr. Singh is probably most famous for making “The Cell” starring J-Lo. But calling him famous for doing that is practically doing  the guy a favor. The Fall is a story within a story that a movie stuntman, Roy, while hospitalized after a stunt gone wrong that destroyed some of his legs tells a young immigrant girl, Alexandria, who is also there for a broken limb. The structure of the story is like the “The Princess Bride” in that the story telling is interuppted for cute little exchanges between the story teller and the listener. Example of interlude: Roy stops story right before a critical, exciting, and violent chapter in order to bribe Alexandria to steal morphine pills from a nurses office. Classy!  So there isn’t really anything else similiar between Princess Bride and The Fall. The Fall isn’t about murderous revenge or chasing the love of some dude’s life. Except the Fall is about murderous revenge. But that’s it. No more similarities. Oh, and there is someone chasing love. But the two movies are totally different. Which is true. (more…)

Devilishly Vindictive Detractor of D.V.D.s – Halloween Edition October 31, 2008

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Since the your theater options this weekend are limited to Saw V and the Haunting of Molly Hartley, which apparently is worse than a Milky Way/razor blade medley you may want to consider a plastic alternative…so the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worthy of being burned onto disc, and which are expensive coasters.

Sunshine (Fox Searchlight) – Cillian Murphy as physicist IN space.

Didn’t you wish Danny Boyle (Trainspotting and 28 Days Later) had also directed “Apollo 13”? Your wish is Danny Boyle’s command. So he made ‘Sunshine’ last year

Some say Cillian under-reacted to the news of Heath Ledger's pharmaceutical experiment.

Some say Cillian under-reacted to the news of Heath Ledger's pharmaceutical experiment.

and hit plastic in January ’08. ‘Sunshine’ is a cross between ‘Event
Horizon’ and ‘Apollo 13’ with a twist of fucked in the head. While not
being a traditional horror or thriller its generally creepy. The
plausibility of the story isn’t its strongest feature and some of the
scenes logistical snafus could be pointed out by my semi-retarded 5
year old nephew, who just learned to doody in the pot pot. We’re so
proud. But the experimental visuals froth an earie atmosphere out of
your screen and into your retinas. Throw in a solid Cillian Murphy
performance, stir in a 2001: A Space Odyssey and bring to a boil!
Thankfully someone has done something similiar to a horror flick that
didn’t involve Japanese VHS tapes, zombies or Naomie Watts.

Verdict: Watchable.

Give your money to: Blockbuster, West Coast Video, Netflix. Available on DVD and Blu Ray. iTunes has featurettes but not the feature. Steve Jobs is stupid in a genius way.

Devilishly Vindictive Detractor extras:

iTunes has all the featurettes your eyes can handle.

Quick recommendation…

The Cottage

available on iTunes.

Its from England. Its mostly a comedy, but its also a gore/horror. True to the horror style of cheesy, bad acting, not great direction…but the ending is the payoff and makes it worth while…which is rare these days.

Verdict: Watchable only if you watch the whole thing. I know…that doesn’t make sense, and it won’t until you watch the whole thing.

Downright Vindictive Detractor of D.V.D.s – The Incredible Hulk October 27, 2008

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Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.
I ATE TOO MANY BEEEEEEAAAAANS!
I ATE TOO MANY BEEEEEEAAAAANS!

The Incredible Hulk (Universal) – Ed Norton as the angry and unpredictable Jose Canceco. JOSE SMASH FRIENDS’ CAREERS!

As a kid I was a big fan of the television version of the Incredible Hulk. Of course I also was a big fan of Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire and Jose Canceco. The point is sometimes things are best left in the past. But Ed Norton wouldn’t leave a mediocre thing alone and teamed up with the incomparably mediocre Liv Tyler and churned out this anti-steriod, anti-military, anti-originality piece of celluloid. (more…)

the Downright Vindictive Detractor of D.V.D.s Busts a Giant Review Nut All Over Your Movie Loving Face…eww. October 13, 2008

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Did you haff to nail Albino Lepreccccchaun on Entourage

Did you haf to nail albino leprechaun in Entourage, or you bang turtle man?

Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.

Don’t Mess with Zohan – Adam Sandler destroys comedy. Babaganoosh! As a Jew!

Oh the hilarity! Jews love to eat hummus with everything, including coffee! And Middle Easterners run sketchy electronic stores! Adam can’t stop humping things! Arabs drive all the cabs in New York! Downright comedic brilliance! “Zohan” is Sandler’s funniest film since “Happy Gilmore”. Now there’s a joke. A joke in the same vain as the Sandler, Robert Smigel, and Judd Apatow penned “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan”, boring and unfunny. All sarcasm aside, it’s as funny as the Sandler/ Cheadle buddy flick “Reign Over Me”. If you haven’t seen that laugh-fest, Sandler plays a dentist who’s wife and three young daughters took a flight from Boston’s Logan Airport to L.A.X. that made a pit stop in New York’s skyline. My point being that “Zohan” isn’t funny at all.

(more…)

the Disgraceful, Vindictive, Detractor of D.V.D.s October 5, 2008

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Class, this is called Career Suicide

Class, this is called Career Suicide

Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Disgraceful, Vindictive, Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.

The Happening – M. Knight’s allegory of the world’s reaction to “Lady in the Water.”

If you pay money to see this movie, kill yourself. If you like this movie, kill yourself for the good of mankind because you’re probably holding all of us back a little bit by making M. Night ten dollars deeper in pocket. The reason for such a strong reaction is the movie starts out with a decent premise of massive amounts of unexplained, unceremonious suicide across the U.S of A. but then it suffers from lots of boring, unevenly paced scenes, and being moronically pretentious, commonly known as “M. Night Syndrome.” In the end, the most glaring shortcoming is the film’s dialogue. The character’s speech comes across as dialogue. Instead of natural conversation captured as lines in a story, almost every sentence wears its purpose on its sleeve much like a P.S.A. (more…)

the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor of D.V.D.s September 21, 2008

Posted by The Ringer in D.V.D. reviews..., movie reviews.
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Utah!!! TWO!!!

I caught my first tube today...sir.

Theatrophobic? Netflixiphiliac? Don’t trust your friends’ opinions?
the Deceptively, Vindictive Detractor is here to tell you which rentals are worth being burned onto plastic, and which are expensive coasters.

Street Kings – Keanu Reeves plays Keanu Reeves, only drunker.

A fuck ’em, bag ’em, and tag ’em…then ask questions cop drama, ‘Street Kings’ centres around a transparent conspiracy that envelopes the corrupt policemen that weave the conspiracy itself. Keanu plays the dumbest, yet most talented corrupt cop ever and he kills everyone in his path all while pounding nips of vodka….classy!  <Jump!> (more…)