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Movies to Avoid: A List of Movies to Avoid November 13, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Movies to Avoid.
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Because movies don’t come with a warning…

Movies to Avoid This Weekend:

Pirate Radio (Studio Canal via Focus Features)

The cast is impressive and enticing. Phillip Seymour Hoffman may be the best male actor in the business as of now,

radio

Studies show when asked if they would nail Phillip Seymour Hoffman 2 of 3 women laugh histerically. The third considers it for the same reason she cut herself in highschool.

Bill Nighy is and will forever be awesome for his role of Phillip in Shaun of the Dead and Kenneth Brannagh, whether you like him or not and percentages suggest that you probably don’t, has talent and is perfect for playing a deuchington that no one likes. Other than that Pirate Radio is a formulaic story that is 100% worth renting on DVD for semi-free on NetFlix while it’s only 50% worth seeing for $12.50 plus price of fifty ounce diabetes flavored soda.

Recommendation: For Seymour Hoffmanphiliacs only. Go see The Messenger instead and be inspired to do something good for this world, unless you aspire to swear on the radio.

2012 (Centropolis Ent. via Columbia Pictures)

Rolland Emmerich keeps getting his films made because movie studios might as well use the special effects they’ve

arts-2012-584

Rob made a top ten list of his favorite natural disasters. He and this child actor were dissapointed that Barry could not be there to disagree with them.

spent billions of dollars developing. This “film” looks so bad it might be good. This theory is supported by these three overtly sexual snipets from semi-legitimate reviewers:

“Master of Disaster Roland Emmerich lives down to his reputation with what amounts to the biggest snuff film of all time.” – John P. McCarthy of ReelTalk Movie Reviews

“The audience paid for money shots, and money shots are what they get.” – Rob Vaux of Mania.com

“This isn’t disaster porn, it’s a disaster gang-bang.” – Scott Von Doviak of culturevulture.net

I should do more drugs to keep up the level of depravity that my peers are churning out.

Recommendation: Avoid at all costs unless you’re interested in a comedy. With a 37% rottentomatoes rating before its release it’s obvious that even the critics being paid to give it a good review won’t give it a good review. The safe bet is on this movie being worse than Rolland’s Godzirra. Go see Fantastic Mr. Fox. It will probably be funnier and less soul shattering as Wes Anderson should be allowed to make movies unlike Rollan Smellerich. See what I did there? I commbined smelly and Emmerich. C’mon, what do you want from me? Not every director’s last name lends it self to mockery like M. Night Shamalamasuckssweatydonkeyballsandthenmakesmoviesaboutwindkillingpeople.

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Movies to Avoid: A Preview of Movies to Avoid June 12, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Movies to Avoid, Uncategorized.
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Because movies don’t come with a warning…

Movies to Avoid This Weekend:

Taking of Pelham 1,2,3  (Columbia)

I told you man! I'm selling these for me! Not no basketball team. I sell 'em so I can buy more candy, stay off the street and outta gangs. Now! All I have left is Peanut M&Ms and Starbursts. WHO WANTS STARBURSTS!??!

I told you man! I'm selling these for me! Not no basketball team. I sell 'em so I can buy more candy, make more money, stay off the street and outta gangs. Now! All I have left is Peanut M&Ms and Starbursts. WHO WANTS STARBURSTS!??!

Judging from the reviews I read glazed over Tony Scott’s ‘Pelham’ sticks to the original story line and does a decent job of updating the Walter Matthau version, which means its cheasy, predictable and nothing more than a cookie cutter hostage flick. The upside; the cast is heavy with respectable thespians Denzel, Tony Soprano, John Tuturro and Luis Guzman (who’s Luis Guzman? He’s that guy.) So if you think the commercials look intriguing you’ll most likely enjoy the classic 70’s plot and strong acting.

Recommendation: If you enjoy good movies you’ll go see The Hangover instead.

I dunno dad... Brazzer's Pass does have good production quality but the plots are lame... kinda like your movies.

I dunno dad... Brazzer's Pass does have good production quality but the plots are lame... kinda like your movies.

Imagine That (Paramount/Nickelodeon)

Eddie Murphy plays an actor who can’t stop his career downspiral is invited into his daughter’s imaginary world… oh wait, no… I’m sorry Murphy plays a finance executive who can’t stop his career downspiral until his daughter’s imagination blah blah blah Eddie Murphy hasn’t made a funny movie since 1988. No seriously… look at his last 23 movies (Shreks not included) Meet Dave, Norbit, Dreamgirls, The Haunted Mansion, Daddy Day Care, I Spy, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Showtime, Dr. Doolittle 2, The Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps, Bowfinger, Life, Holy Man, Doctor Doolittle, Mulan, Metro, The Nutty Professor, Vampire in Brooklyn, Beverly Hills Cop III, The Distinguished Gentleman, Boomerang, Another 48 Hrs, Harlem Nights. If history dictates anything it will dictate this; Imagine That will either earn Jennifer Hudson an Oscar or it will suck harder than having your mom, brother and nephew killed on the same day.

Recommendation: If your kid had a frontal lobotomy then by all means give your money to Paramount and Nickelodeon. Otherwise go see Pixar’s ‘Up’ a second time.

Movies to Avoid: A Preview of Movies to Avoid May 22, 2009

Posted by The Ringer in Movies to Avoid.
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Because movies don’t come with a warning…

Movies to Avoid This Weekend:

Who's this human in the background? I'll kick his fucking ass! I want you off the fucking set you prick! Don't just be sorry, think for one fucking second!!

Who's this human in the background? I'll kick his fucking ass! I want you off the fucking set you prick! Don't just be sorry, think for one fucking second!! The fuck are you doing!? Are you professional or not!?

Terminator Salvation. aka McTermination the Salvation of Johnny 5!

McG burst onto the director’s chair with a breathtaking music video for Sugar Ray’s ‘Fly’ back in the 90’s. He solidified the respect of Hollywood by directing Charlie’s Angels and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, the latter receiving 7 Razzie nominations the second most for 2003 behind only Gigli starring epic thespians Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. Now he’s directing the 4th installment of the greatest sci-fi film franchise. At first sight the commercials made it seem that McGina hadn’t ruined everything The Govinator and James Cameron had established. Then after seeing the trailer the films’ problems became evident. It’s basically ‘Short Circuit.’ The new terminator thinks its people. Johnny Five is alive! Sorry McG but no one cares if the terminator has feelings. If we acknowledge his feelings next thing you know he gets to vote, drink at the same fountains as me, then marry our children. I will not have Johnny Five as my son-in-law! 

McG's original design for the T-800. He thinks he's people.

McG's original design for the T-800. He thinks he's people.

With a pre-release Rotten Rating of 32% Terminator Salvation looks to be worse the X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Recommendation: rent Short Circuit, which has a better RT rating, and smell a gram of cocaine while wearing snap bracelets and pretend its 1986 again.

To avoid seeing other craptastic celluloid abortions click More… (more…)