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Put On the Foil… and Punch Hollywood in the Dick February 15, 2009

Posted by Mike in Slapshot.
1 comment so far

Hey, who needs new ideas in Hollywood? We can just keep churning out remakes. I mean, wasn’t the Adam Sandler version of The Longest Yard great? How about Billy Bob Thornton’s Bad News Bears? But that’s okay; even though the originals were classics, neither ranked very highly on my list of all-time favorites.

Well, get ready to throw up, because (via FilmDrunk) that’s about to change:

Slapshot, released in 1977 and starring Paul Newman, is one of the best, if not the best, sports films ever made.  And now, it’s being re-made.

There’s plenty of things not to like about this news. There’s the fact that you can never improve on perfection; the fact that it’s being helmed by the douche who’s biggest success to this point was Fun With Dick & Jane; the fact that it’ll be impossible to find a leading man with the grace and skill of Paul Newman who can actually skate; and the fact that the racist and sexist humor which was acceptable in the 70s won’t really fly today. Seriously, do you think the famous line from Newman, trying to distract the opposing goalie, is going to make it into the final cut? “Hey Hanrahan! Hanrahan! Hanrahan – Suzanne sucks pussy! Hey Hanrahan she’s a dyke! I know, I know! She’s a lesbian, a lesbian, a lesbian!

But worst of all is the fact that the original Slapshot had three of the most iconic characters of all time – the violent, crude, and possibly retarded Hanson brothers. You can’t have Slapshot without the Hanson brothers – you just can’t.

hansonbrothers

But, this is Hollywood we’re talking about. They won’t just hire three dudes in glasses to play the brothers. What would the point of that be? This is the age of corporate synergy and cross-promotion, and these roles are the three most famous. So we’re going to need three guys who look similar… preferably famous… even better if they’re actually brothers…

Oh, dear God.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

jonas-brothers-ta01

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