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It’s 1991 All Over Again! May 19, 2008

Posted by Mike in remakes, the raping of our childhood.
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Bush is in the White House, we’re at war in Iraq, American Gladiators are on the air, the New York Giants just won the Super Bowl, and the Penguins are in the Stanley Cup finals! In honor, I’m breaking out my New Kids on the Block sleeping bag again, which gets you surprisingly different looks when you’re 26 as opposed to 10. On the CW, they’re doing their best to turn back the clock with a modern-day spinoff of Beverly Hills 90210. Looks like they’re covering all of their crappy early-90s bases in the adult casting here; they’ve already got Full House‘s hot Aunt Becky, Lori Loughlin (guess what: she’s 43 and still hot); Rob Estes, who was apparently on Melrose Place, and even former 90210-er Jennie Garth reprising her role as Kelly Taylor, who’s now a guidance counselor. All they need now is to nail down Alfonso Ribeiro, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and Mayim Bialik!  Anyway, Kelly really has all of the qualities you’d want in someone who’s helping to help raise our nation’s youth, including:

being date-raped, using diet pills, being tricked into joining a cult, being able to quit the cult, being caught in a fire, temporarily becoming addicted to cocaine,being shot, getting amnesia, being raped, shot the rapist, going to rehab, being stalked and almost killed by a patient from rehab, becoming unexpectantly pregnant and having a miscarriage, and learning that she might not be able to have children because of a condition in her body.

Actually, who am I kidding? That kind of backround qualifies as “tame” for high-school students today. Also, look at this cast shot:

90210

I know it’s not 1991 anymore, but you just can’t call a show 90210 and replace sideburns with prissy emo-fag haircuts. You just can’t. It’s just not right. Just you wait: less “Peach Pit”, more “Starbucks”.  On the other hand, Jessica Walter is involved, and as far as I’m concerned, anyone who’s been in PCU and Arrested Development can do whatever they goddamn like.

But here’s the thing: remaking shows from my childhood could be a great idea! Except we can do way better than Beverly Hills, 90210. Attention, Hollywood: get on these ideas immediately!

The Wonder Years: The original The Wonder Years aired in the late 80s/early 90s and focused on 20 years prior, in the late 60s/early 70s. Hell, if 90210 is going to be set in 2008 but remind us of the early 90s, let’s just bring back TWY and have it actually be set in 1991! Kevin Arnold can explore the scary world of Zubaz, Starter Jackets, Tecmo Super Bowl, and sexually-transmitted diseases.

Quantum Leap: Dr. Sam Beckett leaps through time setting wrong what once went right. Why? Because he’s a dick now. That’s right, the future sucks; deal with it. Just wait until he jumps into the body of JFK and decides to invade Cuba during the Missile Crisis! By the way, want to feel old? This futuristic series was set in 1999. Oh boy!

The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.: If you have to ask, you just don’t get it.